would anyone else find this a bit odd/frustarting?

(160 Posts)
Stepmooster Sun 19-May-13 00:19:12

DH has been told today by DSS that his mum and her DH are going abroad on hols for 2 weeks in summer. Forgetting for one moment that DH has been helping with her court ordered mortgage payments until FMH sale has gone through because she's supposed to be skint, isn't it a bit odd not to tell the only other person with PR that you are planning to be out of the country?

What makes this especially annoying is DSS doesn't know the dates. DH will have to ask his ex and no doubt she will send him some usual bitchy reply.

We got told what 2 weeks we're having DSS by his ex a few weeks ago, not open for discussion. No probs that I will be 8 months pregnant and both of us working FT. First baby born 2 weeks early too. DH has managed to sort time off but I need to help us through maternity leave financially so I will have to work. I am guessing this is when they are going abroad. Although DSS has been known to stay for a week or 2 with his maternal gran when ex has gone on holiday (and Dh not asked if he would like to have his son then instead).

I'm just dreading August, a long commute on the tube, a 13 month old, a bored 11 yo for 2 weeks. What are we going to do if babba arrives early we only have a 2 bed?!

I dont understand.

What was your plan for when he comes to stay anyway? How does not knowing the dates change anything?

Stepmooster Sun 19-May-13 01:10:11

We wanted to have him earlier in the 6 weeks if possible, it was agreed last year that we'd have DSS for 2 weeks early on. Mainly because DH has to get time off at work and its not easy to do at last minute. The plan was to struggle on anyway but not be 8 months. Consultant may want to induce me early, late/aug sept depending on 36 week scan. Dh had asked his ex back in Jan if she could be flexible around late aug/sep as with DD1 I had fast labour and then PPH, DSS was with us, we got to hospital at 3am, and DSS heard me deliver (not pretty by all acounts) and was shook up by it. His mum was too far away to come get him. DH got no reply from his ex about being flexible around due date. This baby could be here in half the time and on the bathroom floor. Midwife has told me to get some rest if I can before baby comes. If I'm induced early then I won't even have a week to myself.

Also is it not odd then to go abroad and not tell the other person with PR? I'm not saying don't go, but what if something happens to DSS? Or something happens to his nan? Or something happens to me/baby, DH or...? Shouldn't we know where his mum is in an emergency? I mean so we can put relatives on standby.

Or are we not worthy of any respectful communication? Just told you pay for this. You have him then. We're changing this weekend. We're going on holiday next week, you want him?

Maybe its just me then? Busting agut to work until due date cos our savings for the baby pay someone elses mortgage.

Perhaps being informed would have been apropriate, yes.

However, your DH does not get to pick and choose when he is DSSs father. You cannot have a life and children with this man if you are not prepared to factor in his first son. The son didnt choose this life. Your DH and his ex did. And you chose to become a part of that.

You live in a two bed house with two children and a baby on the way. Thats not DSSs fault is it? So you didnt get told. And? Children are not convenient. They dont work around you.

DSS has just as much right to be in you and your DHs house near the end of your pregnancy as your 13 month old does.

Oh and its not "someone elses mortgage" either.

Your DH bought the marital home with his ex. Thats a contract that he entered into.

brdgrl Sun 19-May-13 01:51:15

Sorry, stepmooster. It is certainly unreasonable of her, and not in the best interest of the child.

wannabe, your hostility is unwarranted.

needaholidaynow Sun 19-May-13 02:32:10

DSS has just as much right to be in you and your DHs house near the end of your pregnancy as your 13 month old does.

For goodness sake what is with the hostility towards "second children" from some people?!! What's with people having sly digs towards them all the frigging time on MN?!

Stepmooster Sun 19-May-13 02:49:42

Jesus christ, I am not mad at DSS. I'm mad that 1) we won't know where she is in an emergency and that 2) if I give birth and its fast, at home, with DSS and I am blue lighted to hospital due to PPH and all that blood that comes with it. DSS could witness all that and where is his mum? Abroad and DH didn't know. I don't know abt your kids but when they are upset they want there mum. And I think I wouldn't want my son seeing that?
3) That we have tried since last summer when we got told a week before we got DSS to have some earlier communication. To avoid disputes/tension and to try and get along. She even agreed, but its all out the window.

The ex is court ordered to pay the mortgage, she can't afford it so she syas. We want to move, if DH doesn't pay the mortgage his credit rating will be ruined and we are stuck in this 2 bed forever.

We are not her bloody overdraft facility so she can go on holiday. I wouldve gone on maternity leave in July if we didn't have to pay her mortgage.

The ex remarried and put FMH on market over a year ago, then in Jan wouldn't agree to sell it unless DH reduced his charge by 50pct. We've had to pay legal fees to get her to stick to the court order.

My fertility won't wait for her to stop blackmailing DH. Anyway I am resigned to the fact DSS will be here. Is it not odd then to go abroad and not tell the only other person with PR?

It would be nice to be able to get some 2 way flexibility with the ex. She tells my DH when to have DSS at short notice. He works FFS to provide for his kids, all his kids, what would she do if DH or I couldn't get time off? That is not DH problem, he could quit his job I suppose and look after DSS. We could survive on my wage, he could see his son 50/50 but he won't be providing for his son financially.

This is nothing to do with marrying a man with kids, just wishing for some respectful communication. And just trying determine if she has DSS best interests at heart here. How must he feel? Having to tell his dad all the time when DH has asked his ex to talk to him directly for sake of his son?

Stepmooster Sun 19-May-13 03:00:56

For the record wannabe, DSS is a child of his mothers second marriage. My children are a child of their father's second marriage. So they are all the same to me, conceived by one parent who had a first family already.

My DH did not choose to end the marriage and start all over again with DP number 3. He had no choice, should he just have lived in a bedist seeing DSS EOW and babysitting for his ex when she needed a babysitter or was he in your opinion allowed to fall in love and remarry and start again as his ex has (for the third time)?

IsThatTrue Sun 19-May-13 03:05:10

But she hasn't gone abroad without telling your DH. She's booked it without telling him, and tbh she has a right to do that. I book stuff without telling my XH. But I would inform him before I left the country if he was having the dcs during that time. Don't see why he'd need to know months in advance tbh.

I think you are stressed about your pregnancy which is understandable due to your previous problems. But it is possible that dss' mum would have/will inform you closer to the time. As for only having 2 bedrooms that a red herring really as you're not going to put a newborn into its own room straight away so you just stick to the bedroom arrangement you have now, with the baby with you. Have some family/friends on standby for the 11yo (as you would your dd I assume) in case of emergency.

Stepmooster Sun 19-May-13 03:26:55

Isthattrue, my DH needs to know in advance in order to book time off with work. All the parents with children understandably book school hols off early in the year, I.e Jan/Feb. DH has what is left, DH ex should know she was married to him for 10 years. So no I don't agree that should just tell your ex at short notice. I think its rude and puts NRP in a difficult position with work and their children.

Its not unreasonable is it to ask ex to try to have DSS in early 6 weeks hols because you're having a baby in early sept? Or to ask her to be flexible and rearrange contact around due date so DSS doesn't has to witness the birth, again? When my waters break I'm not going to be worrying about DSS I'm afraid, I'm going to want to worry about delivering safely!

I guess I am wrong.

The 2 bed thing is not a red herring, when DSS is here he has it to himself, DD sleeps in our room, we may put DD downstairs in travel cot with DH on sofa after babba is born when DSS visits. We don't let DSS share with babba cos he has night terrors and sleep walks. He also has to share a room at mums with his Dsis and we like to give him some space to himself EOW.

Stepmooster Sun 19-May-13 03:41:53

Its my family on standby for DD, my dad was coming to stay for a few weeks. I don't know how that will happen now in this red herring of a 2 bed. My dad has met DSS 4 times. They don't know each other really. I can't figure out how this is going to pan out.

Part of me wishes I could just take DD and stay with my dad up north until after babba is born. But then DH is down here in london and will miss everything and I really want him not my dad to be my birth partner!!

IsThatTrue Sun 19-May-13 03:59:15

But in she has informed you of dates hmm you were complaining she wasn't telling you she was going abroad. It is ride of her to unilaterally decide on dates without your DHs input, but that wasn't what you were complaining about. Surely if you have the dates for having dss, it shouldn't matter where she is when you do this (in normal circumstances). Also she may very well not be expecting you to look after dss while she is away, you said he sometimes goes to the maternal gm. If you don't know the dates you don't know if she is going while he is with you or another time. If I go abroad and my dcs stay with my parents I don't inform XH of my holiday. Oh and btw I'm not rude to XH, I was talking about informing him I was going abroad not *informing him of dates^ .

As for your dad coming to stay in your 2 bed (which was also missing from your OP) what would be happening on your weekends with DS'S there? Surely you don't expect his visits to cease completely during your last few months of pregnancy.

Stepmooster Sun 19-May-13 04:49:26

My dad can't be here when DSS is here, so that's not happening now. DSS is coming here for 2 weeks in august and I will have to just get on with it. And I can't go to my dads anyway as hospital, conusltant etc are all here. Plus in final days you have to be at home with fast labour. It was just a wish. I didn't put it in my post cos its not an option now

I'm just stressed that we can agree something months ago, late July/aug for her to change it.

I'm stressed that I have to work up to 35 weeks until I can go on leave because we are helping the ex out financially so she can go on this holiday. And DH asked her in Jan if she could be flexible, when I was only 6 weeks pregs. No reply. DH has told ex that consultant may want to induce in august and could she be flexible, no reply.

Last summer we had DSS for one week, then ex told DH that she was going away with her DH and we could have him or he goes to his nans. DSS is bored at his nans would rather be here. A little communication would mean everyone is happy.

If I go into labour and its just DH and DD here. My sister lives an hour away and they will come to the hospital and collect DD. DH had to sit outside with DSS last time and it was just me nad midwife until DH brother came to help - not an option this time. If its in the day and DH is at work, DD will be in nursery and DH will be taking and fetching her. He will just miss the birth. I will have to get a home birth/ambulance.

I can give birth alone with midwife I won't be the first.

We were hoping to reschedule weekend contact as ex has done in past so that DSS is not here to see birth. He doesn't want to be here when I give birth. I don't blame him. Ok so it means one maybe 2 weekends we don't have him. But then we aren't going away this year and it would be no different if we were having a holiday without DSS. Except that's never happened or been tested with the ex.

I know the chances of giving birth when DSS is here is not that high. But it flipping well happened last time and I'm not chancing it again.

I am dreading august, and I can't help being frustrated by this. You agree dates for them to change with no thought.

Ok I accept the ex may have told DH some point in future abt being abroad. But I doubt it!

NotaDisneyMum Sun 19-May-13 08:43:20

However, your DH does not get to pick and choose when he is DSSs father.

At the moment, the OPs DH is being told by his ex when he can be a father - she is the one dictating when the contact will happen based on her own plans, with no consideration for the welfare of her DC.

I can't imagine being comfortable going on an overseas holiday without first assuring myself that my DC was going to be well cared for - undoubtedly the OP and her DH will do their best, but what parent would choose to expose their DC to that situation unless it was unavoidable? It's not like the DCs mum didn't know about the baby - but she's made plans that places her DC in Dads care even though she's fully aware that it will be less than ideal for her child - what kind of mother does that?

I am not being hostile. Not agreeing with the OP does not equal hostility.

Also, "hostility towards second children"? Really? I am merely reminding the OP that DSS is DHs son no matter how many babies she has.

Fact is, his ex doesnt have to rearrange her life around your pregnancy.

She can have a holiday. Your DH paying the mortgage doesnt give him, or you, the right to have a say over that. You dont know who is paying or what the circumstances are, and how many bedrooms you have is not her concern.

Your post is full of I, I, I. But actually, it isnt all about you. There is an 11yo being passed from pillar to post here. Yes he doesnt want to be there if you go into labour, and the fact that his mum isnt thinking about that is really shit, but you need to make arrangements for where he needs to be, shes not your free childcare. If hes supposed to be with you at that time and he cant be, then you make arrangements, just as you would with your 13 month old.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 19-May-13 08:51:41

you need to make arrangements for where he needs to be, shes not your free childcare

But the OP and her DH are being treated like free childcare aren't they?

The contact happens when mum needs it not when it's best for the DC!

The OP tried to dictate it too so it didnt coincide with her due date.

I dont think anyone is thinking about the DC tbh. He still needs to see his father. Some would say it is more important for contact to happen around the time that a new sibling is entering the family.

carabossse Sun 19-May-13 09:04:51

OP- I think it's quite sad that the boy's mum chooses to go on holiday without him. It sound like he's not invited anyway. On reading your OP my initial thought was that this is a silly thing to do as:
The boy would surely rather be on holiday
His mum is not available for him should your baby arrive early, she is not the backup you'd expect her to be on any other visit near your due date. She is unconcerned about your arrangements for him- she's going abroad without checking that in the event of labour, who will he be with, will he be comfortable with the arrangements etc?

Coupled with her dictating terms it sounds like a deliberate move. I'm surprised that you have to accommodate her whims in this way. Presumably since this is not unusual you've had legal advice.

I don't think you have to explain your reasons, I think it's obvious why this situation is unusual and frustrating.

Is there any chance of contacting other family members e.g. grandparents to have them as backup?

I hope all goes well for the rest of your pregnancy and that you can enjoy the newborn days.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 19-May-13 09:15:50

The OP tried to dictate it too so it didnt coincide with her due date.

Really? You think that the NRP asking at the very beginning of pregnancy for contact flexibility around a babys due date is the same as a RP booking an overseas holiday and stating that is when contact will take place?

I know that there are people do think like that - its just unusual for them to be as open about it as you are!

I don't understand. Is the contact court ordered? Is there a "standard" two weeks that your DH always has DSS?

She "informed" you when you were having DSS, well that's not right if there was no discussion, but I wasn't aware that I had to tell my ex where I was going if I didn't have the kids and they were in his care?

At the end of the day, your husband agreed to have DSS those two weeks. If he's a patsy and a push over then that's a separate issue. But the exW can go to the moon and back in her fortnight and it's nothing to do with your DH, once DSS is with him then the logistics are his problem.

Why should the exW have to take holidays only when it suits you and your DH with baby coming, father visiting, two bed house and so on?

I will repeat.

The OPs pregnancy has nothing to do with the ex.

She is entitled to book a holiday whenever she likes.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 19-May-13 09:32:48

The OPs pregnancy has nothing to do with the ex.

How ridiculous , her DC is going to have a half-sibling; of course it has something to do with her! How can she possibly support her DCs emotionally if she refuses to acknowledge that her DC has a life beyond her own?!?

Your attitude is exactly why so many DCs struggle with conflicted loyalties when their parents separate sad

You are being ridiculous actually. The ex has to be there emotionally, yes, but she doesnt need to rearrange her life around the OP.

I am bowing out now, because the raft of "second childrens" parents clearly want to stroke the OPs hair and tell her shes right. Oh well.

There's a difference between supporting your child emotionally and having your life dictated to by the new wife and exH childbirth logistics.

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