Holidays

[kalpamum]

I am stuck what to do here. I am a step mum and have an 11yr old DSD who has just announced she hates me after 6 yrs and does not want to be part of our family and is not visiting any more. OH being a DisneyDad taking her out. (she has been EOW and every Wed night for 6 yrs) So STRESSED at the moment with this.
On top of this I now have my DD not wanting to go on holiday with her dad, SM and a 4 & 2 yr old. I feel a hypocrite at the moment as I am trying to talk her in to going but can understand why she does not want to go. Over the last 7 years DD has never been on holiday with them, been away a few times but always with Grandma & Grandad as well and only for long weekends. She only visits for tea once a week and very rarely sleeps over due to Ex's shift pattern. Ex asked a few months ago if he could take her away in the summer hols camping and she agreed.
Last weekend DD went camping with them and came back in a mood. I do not like to pry and ask questions about what happens when she is there so she was very quite for a few days. She has now told me that she does not want to go away with them for a whole week. She found the weekend very hard and had lots of complaints to tell me:
Dad did not really interact with her.
4 & 2 yr old all over her miss behaving but she did not feel comfortable telling them off herself so had to put up with it and grown ups did not sort out. She said it was very tiring.
She felt she was just like a baby sitter to the little ones being asked all the time to do things and help.
She complained about a few things SM did but I have explained that this must be hard for her not knowing how to deal with a 12 yr old as she has never had to.
Says a whole week away with them is a long time in a tent and will be miles away from home.

She does not want to upset her dad by saying she does not want to go but she really doesn't want to go!
If I approach Ex saying she does not want to go I don't want to sound like a controlling Ex myself. Any suggestions or view greatly appreciated.

[ChasingSquirrels]

I think at 12 she needs to have a chat with her dad herself about her perception of things, and you need to facilitate her doing so (easier said than done).

I can understand a 12yo not wanting to go away with a 2 & 4yo, but in a non-separated family they wouldn't have a choice (equally in a non-blended family they would be all living together and know each other better and it probably wouldn't be so much of an issue).

How do you and her dad get on? Can you approach him with the details in your post and ask that he talks to her about it - maybe they can reach some kind of compromise about things, but he needs to know what specifically has upset her so that he can try to address any valid issues.

Equally, you need to talk to her so enable her to discuss these things with her dad without it being a confrontation.

Hope you manage to sort it.

[kalpamum]

Thanks ChasingSquirrels. I have chatted to her regarding her discussing this with her dad but she won't. She has specials needs and language difficulties and is not able to express her views clearly in a situation like this and just gets too upset to talk.

Kind of want to discuss this with dad but think I just need reassurance that I am not being a controlling ex. I do feel deep down that I don't want her to go. There are too many issues for her to deal with.

[Mueslimorning]

Just a thought, OP, but are you on good terms with sm? I've found that when I don't want to appear interfering I call the sm and tell her the problem, I.e. ds not wanting to do certain things with dh and her, rather staying home on weekends, meeting friends etc. ds is in his midteens and can be stubborn at times ( not unlike his dad!). She is very understanding and prepared to talk to ds dad, probably more understanding than me in fact as she obviously loves my ex more than I did and can laugh about the likeness. We tend to work together to sort out complications and also to keep each other in the picture, I.e. not letting ds play parents off against each other and taking advantage of two,homes. I think she appreciates me trusting her opinion and I appreciate her input.
Lesser problems ds deals directly with dad. Good luck!