Step children doing things my children can't do

(12 Posts)
wordfactory Wed 17-Apr-13 17:42:48

I was once in court (as a lawyer) representing one parent and step parent in a horrible family dispute...after about two days of arguing the very wise judge called a halt and told the parties that blended families are never going to be easy.

'With regards to the various children, you won't be able to ensure their lives are the same. Sometimes you won't be able to make their lives equal,' he said. 'And there will be times when you can't even make them fair.'

The sooner parents understood this, the better. And the sooner they explained this to the various DC, the better.

'Forget same and equal and fair,' he said. 'Instead be honest and positive.'

In the OP's case better to discuss how the differing opportunities for holidays etc arise. Be honest. Then be positive and point out that life isn't all about holidays.

likesnowflakesinanocean Wed 17-Apr-13 13:53:08

i cant afford to take the dc to wales at the minute never mind florida!

likesnowflakesinanocean Wed 17-Apr-13 13:52:21

I just react to it as one of those things, but i will pull them up on it if they are being mean to each other like we have before the haha i get to do this and you dont thing i wont accept from my own ds or sc.
I take ds places when they arent with us, we all do things together and they do things with their mum. thats how it works and the sooner they all got used to it the better. i still now and again get oh when did he go to such and such why didnt we get such and such but will just gently remind that we have a life the days they arent here just like they do.

it is hard and i totally sympathise, we arent going on holiday this year we just cant afford it, they are. its one of those things. i will try to take ds on the train somewhere nice or to a show. swings and roundabouts i think!

Kaluki Wed 17-Apr-13 12:04:14

Who is complaining? The OP is just asking how to make it special for the other dc when some of them are doing fun things with the other parent.
The number of children she has since had with her DP is totally irrelevant.
As for budgetting - I can't afford to take my dc to Florida, so maybe I shouldn't have had them!!!

Bonsoir Wed 17-Apr-13 11:58:06

Since forever! The OP chose to have extra DC and it was her responsibility to budget for them - it is not therefore reasonable to complain if financially it wasn't a good decision!

Kaluki Wed 17-Apr-13 10:41:32

Bonsoir - How mean!
The step children are going away with their Mum (I presume) which is totally separate to the OPs family.
Since when does the decision to have more dc depend on what holidays the stepchildren's Mum will be able to afford in the future???

Bonsoir Wed 17-Apr-13 07:52:01

Why have so many DC if you cannot afford to treat the latter ones the way you would have wished in order to give them similar opportunities to the older ones?

purpleroses Tue 16-Apr-13 22:53:43

I think you just need to play it down really. And try not to talk too much about the things that some are doing without others. Or even ask the DSC not to make a big deal of it (as long as you can trust them for this not to backfire and them to rub your DC's faces in it for the sake of it). It goes with the territory of being a blended family really that they won't all have the same experiences.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Tue 16-Apr-13 20:21:48

*to a child

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Tue 16-Apr-13 20:21:08

OP I think ChasingSquirrels has made some very good points.

The fact that 2 of your children still have their parents together trumps the big holidays to Florida or the fun days at the theme park. At the end of the day these holidays and days out are just temporary, but the children you have together get to see both of your faces every day. That is precious to child.

ChasingSquirrels Tue 16-Apr-13 16:51:55

Another way of looking at it is that your joint children get to live with both their parents all of the time - which the other children don't.

Life isn't equal, and you and your children will have to accept that.

There are various free things that you can do, depending on your children's ages, that can be fun, ranging from a trip to the park, to baking, to an hour making paper aeroplanes, etc - things usually either cost money or time, you might not have the money - but the things involving your time are the ones they will remember!

mummyhoney123 Tue 16-Apr-13 16:32:52

I've got 3 step-children, and 6 bio-children. 2 of my bio children are DP's.

DP shares 50/50 custody with their mum. It's all very amicable.

Step-children are going on holiday in the summer holidays to Disneyworld, Florida. This is something that my children would love to do but we can't due to finances.

Also, my 4 children with a different dad sometimes go places like theme parks with their dad, that the two with DP can't go to.

How do you make it special for the ones who aren't doing the fun activity?

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