Providing DSD's mother with basics - wwyd?(35 Posts)
I'm in a bit of a quandry here.
I have posted before so will keep the context brief - DSD lives here, she is currently seeing her mum every friday night but this goes through phases.
Mum does not pay any maintenance or contribute AT ALL.
DSD has recently come to me to ask me to buy mummy some pants because she doesn't have any ... and has told me that she wears the same pants home as she goes in 'even if they have poo in them'...
She also recently came home in her cousins socks (who is TWO! DSD is 8!) because mummy didn't have any and her socks got dirty.
DSD has recently also let slip that she doesn't brush teeth at mums because she doens't have a toothbrush there and they use 'grown ups' toothpaste.
My dilemma is this.
Do I a) buy her a set of pants, socks, toothbrush etc for mums? (this option makes me cross, because really, who can't afford such basic things ffs)
b) send an overnight bag
c) accept that one night per week in dirty pants probably isn't going to kill her?
We have had similar things like this before and when DH tackles mum about it she just lies and says it's not true, but I know what pants I am sending her in...
DH thinks that for the sake of the peace we should let it go...
but DSD has now asked me on more than one occasion and I don't want her to start feeling upset about having to be in dirty pants!
In the past we've bought and sent home toothbrushes, toothpaste and mouthwash with the kids when they told us that they didn't have that at mums house (and we're the non-resident parents)!
It got her back up but we couldn't have cared less. It's more important to us that the kids are provided for than offending their mother and it seemed to do the trick as we've never had that problem again...
I wouldn't care too much about her opinion. Sorry - not in this case. Pack an overnight bag and instruct your child to use it if she wants to/needs to. Then you know your child is taken care of. And if the bag comes back unused then that's ok too. If your child doesn't use the bag but you can see she definitely needed to - take it up with your child.
If your DSD lives full time with you and her father, the two of you are responsible for her clothing and should send her to her mother's with an overnight bag containing her own clothes, toothbrush etc. How odd not to do so.
Isn't it funny, I was once flamed on here for moaning that DSD was always sent to us with nothing, whether she was coming for a weekend or for a longer holiday. We didn't see DSD much at the time (one weekend a month) and didn't have room for a lot of stuff for her. I was wrong for being pissed off that we always had to spend the first day of any visit buying stuff (because she always took it home with her and it never came back).
Different in this case of course if the mum doesn't want the OP to do it. But I'd persevere and always send an overnight bag.
Bonsoir Is there a point at which fulfilling obligation/duty is secondary to protecting the DC from abuse and harm?
Does there come a point where the negative consequences on the child outweigh the benefits of 'doing the right thing' - or in this case, should the NRP anticipated reaction be disregarded when the OP's household decide on their own actions?
I don't think that children should be taught to second-guess others' unhealthy functioning to avoid conflict.
I agree - more difficult in practice though, isn't it?
If the OP knows that her action will result in a reaction (from Mum) that causes the DSC upset/pain/anxiety, then the decision to go ahead anyway is anything but straightforward.
I think I would encourage DSD to pack a bag for herself on the basis that she's growing up and is old enough to choose what she wants to take with her to her Mum's. I would also take her shopping for a cheap overnight bag and buy her the toothbrush, paste etc which she can transport each week, effectively negating the possibility of them being forgotten being an issue.
DH would have to re-iterate this 'she's growing up' decision with her Mum. It's all in the sales pitch with children and it stops it being Mum v Dad iyswim.
See DSS mum used to be like this - kicking off in a huge way over the barest hint of critisism. DSS always coming back in dirty stinky clothes, too small socks etc. I decided to just be a bitch too - "is there any reason you haven't bothered to wash DSS clothes?" "School have written a letter to say they've picked up on his poor attendance on your days, any particular reason your lie-ins are more important than his education?" "Just been shopping for new uniform, you may as well keep it, looks like you need it" "you DO know its not OK for him to be left with nits, right?"
At first she shrieked like a banshee but eventually started doing what she needed to avoid being had a go at. Especially the mentions of the school getting involved etc seemed to scare her. All talk no balls.
But it is a very risky strategy, to call out biomom. DSS didn't suffer, she dressed it up as "ohh mummy's decided all by herself to take you shopping! Isn't she lovely!" And he'd come back all smiley face happy thinking she gave a shit for once
Maybe I'm a giant cow and a bit of a bully, but I really don't give a shit as he's much happier now, although a lot of stuff does fall through the cracks still.
Get DP on side and get him to stick up for his little girl.
Only read the OP but goodness yes, of course you send her with a bag of these things! Annoying yes but the kid doesn't care who buys them and what can possibly be achieved by refusing to get them for her. She needs them so as unfair as it is, this is not the time or place for making a point
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