Yes I may of been wrong but really...........

(135 Posts)
sanityseeker75 Mon 08-Apr-13 11:13:42

I know that I may well get flamed on here today but just feel fed up and hurt and figured I would share.

We have DSC EW and EW on a Sunday I cook a full roast dinner, do all the ironing, make sure homework and showers are done before the DSC go home so they are ready for school and Mom doesn't have a stress on a Sunday night.

DH can not cook - and I mean really not even beans on toast(he is very good at housework though so I generally live with it).

This weekend I have felt really poorly. DS was still asleep at 11.00 so when DSS came downstairs to ask for something to eat I told him to just grab himself something from cupboard. He did - crisps.

DH was having to go out in afternoon so I decided there was no point cooking roast and kids are off school for easter holidays so I did them Ham Sandwichs on crusty bread and yes - they had another packet of crisps late in the afternoon. Had showers etc and them I dropped them home.

When DH got back he had had several text messages of ex slating me for not providing them with a roast dinner and saying as I have a son I should know that crisps are not acceptable and what was I doing letting them have nothing but crisps for breakfast and dinner.

Now I fully accept that crisps are not really the best option, I suppose because I cook during the week and generally do well balanced meals on the whole I thought it wouldn't kill them this once - I also know that mom does them smiley faces and waffles etc so that is not exactly full of nutrition food either so I feel harshly judged on 1 incident of poor judgement in the last 5 years or so.

Now I have put my foot down - admittedly because I felt so crap, so I spat my dummy and said that going forward so that everyone knows where they stand, I am no longer making sure they are showered before they go home and will not cook a roast dinner - they will have a lunch at 2-3 (cold sandwhich/snack) and she can cook them a roast for when they get home every week instead!

See how she copes with doing a roast and getting them ready for school every flipping weekend.

Petal02 Mon 22-Apr-13 15:52:59

Do update us !!!

dutchyoriginal Mon 22-Apr-13 15:38:39

So what happened this Sunday? Was it as relaxed?

ChippingInLovesSpring Mon 15-Apr-13 20:31:16

Great news smile Go you!! & thank you for the update, it's always nice to hear what happens afterwards smile

ivykaty44 Mon 15-Apr-13 11:59:56

sanityseeker - can you be my dc step mum? They would all love you for the roast dinner each week.

The probelm was the step dc went home and said they had had crisps but didn't say why and then the mum didn't ask why was that then was their a reason was op sick or the cooker broken etc? if she had then it would have been clear.

but I agree with Op best their mum makes their sunday roast from now on and everyone will know where they stand

Petal02 Mon 15-Apr-13 11:53:36

Great news!!!!

olgaga Mon 15-Apr-13 11:49:47

Fantastic news OP!

piprabbit Mon 15-Apr-13 11:37:27

Sounds like you had a successful weekend.
Dropping a roast dinner on a Sunday lunchtime/afternoon can be very liberating for everyone. Suddenly the family has an extra day to go off and do stuff, visiting people or places, going swimming etc. instead of hanging round the house, preparing/eating/washing up.
It sounds like this minor row might have an unintended silver lining.

sanityseeker75 Mon 15-Apr-13 11:15:29

Thanks everyone - some very useful feedback so I thought I would give a bit of an update.

This Sunday was bliss! I never realised just how tied to routine we were. DH and I sat the kids down on Sat and said we didn't think things were working for everyone as they were so lets come up with a plan to make things better for everyone. DSD let us know that mom had been in "a right mood" (her words all week) so we explained that sometimes adults get just as fed up as children.

I still did ironing yesterday and then went out and met up with a friend for an hour or so for a coffee (this has never happened on a Sunday and I felt like a bit of a rebel). Whilst out I popped to supermarket and got some sub rolls and bits and pieces for kids light lunch. When I got back the kids prepared the stuff for their lunch and made it a bit of a buffet, they seemed to enjoy this (the elder two very much light heartedly lording it over the younger one).

As we were all much more chilled - I had shown DH this thread and said there were some good points about his cooking so once DH took the kids home he actually came in kitchen and helped me get our roast ready (mainly prepping veg etc but little steps and all that).

The only strange part was that DH's ex text at 1.00pm asking if she was having to do the kids dinner still, even though they had been with us all weekend. DH just replied that they would have had a light lunch but if she wanted them to have a roast then yes she would need to do it as agreed!

I am so glad for the advice - especially about the tied routine, I think we had just got so set in routine that we just didn't see how much it was restricting our weekend - anyway this is one very happy bunny todaygrin

allnewtaketwo Wed 10-Apr-13 11:48:40

Agree - sort it out now because they get much older. The rigid routine and requirements that come with it becomes so set in stone that nobody questions it any more (except the lone ignored voice of the SP!) and it almost becomes against the law to do otherwise. Break free and don't end up with young adults so welded to these rules they can no longer be broken sad

Petal02 Wed 10-Apr-13 08:54:26

I keep thinking I am reading a thread about very young children, but they are not. Do you think you’ve all got a bit stuck in routines that worked a while ago and now need to be rethought?

Excellent point nkf. I think Allnew would also agree with you.

OP, just because an arrangement works at one point in time, it doesn’t mean you have to stick with it forever more. Maybe a more age-appropriate arrangement would be better? Even if the ex kicks up a fuss, there’s not much she can do about your choice of menu and whether (or not) the children shower before they go home. Otherwise I could see you ending up in a situation like Allnew and I, whereby you have step children of age 17/18, who still need to be home by 6pm sharp on a Sunday, fed, showered and ready for bed.

And these children were given the choice of soup and toast, which they turned down!

nkf Wed 10-Apr-13 08:49:45

OP, if it's made you rethink your weekends, then brilliant. But please do drop the language of "I got in trouble." You are a not a child.

fllowtheyellowbrickroad Wed 10-Apr-13 08:47:39

And furthermore, if I discovered that my ex had gone to work and left my DD's poor stepmum in charge of her I would have asked why she hadn't called me to fetch them and wished her a speedy recovery- not chastised her cooking. Although, my dd is much smaller. Given the ages of the children in the op, if I were their mother I would have asked why they hadnt had the wherewithall to make their own dinner and not make their poor ill stepmother do it.

Poor kids that they can't get back home on a Sunday evening and have a shower/snack when they want one!

The mother is micro managing everyone, including the op. am surprised she's allowed to get away with it.

fllowtheyellowbrickroad Wed 10-Apr-13 08:44:08

I also agree about leaving their domestic arrangements out of it. If it works for them that she cooks, and he cleans then so be it. I don't think that's the issue at all and if he was there I'm sure he would have made the sandwichs etc.

fllowtheyellowbrickroad Wed 10-Apr-13 08:42:42

Well, this is just mental isn't it? Why are the kids being "showered" before going back to their mum's? Who has a shower before the conclusion of the days activities??? Surely people shower before bed/ when they wake up. Ridiculous. And as for the dinner I dont really know where to start.

Theyre not babies. It's not like they were handed back in to mummies arms and left to starve because no one communicated that they hadn't been fed ffs. No one has a god given right to a roast dinner and given that the 13 year old is the age they are I wonde how much longer they'll even be around for that. My DSD is 13 and I don;t think she's made a meal time in the last year. She lives off of sandwichs and plated up this and that. She is usually directed to the pasta and a jar of sauce if she has missed the dinner I have prepared and I sure as hell wont be found slaving over a hot stove when ill to provide her with the meal that her mother deems suitable.

What happens if you have a day out, OP? Do you need to make sure you are at home every Sunday in order to prepare this roast?

If you want to get really finikity (sp??) then is her maintenenace pro-rated? If so, why does she expect you to cater for all these needs on a day that she has them in the evening? I would obviously never ever condone such pettiness but seriously - she can't demand this kind of rubbish.

nkf Wed 10-Apr-13 07:40:21

I don't get the showering thing either. People shower and then go about their day right? What is this drama of having to shower children? It's like cleaning your teeth. Just something you do. I keep thinking I am reading a thread about very young children but they are not. Do you think you've all got a bit stuck in routines that worked a while ago and now need to be rethought.

CalamityKate Wed 10-Apr-13 01:20:29

Sorry but I don't believe your DH can't make beans on toast. My 9 year old can make beans on toast. I'm pretty sure you could teach a chimp to make beans on toast.

A grown adult who can't make such a simple meal is either:
A) unsafe to be allowed out alone or
B) lying out of laziness and the knowledge that if he just acts pathetic enough someone will do it for him.

olgaga Wed 10-Apr-13 00:30:15

What strikes me most about this entire thread is that it's a one-off situation.

The DH told the ex he doesn`t question her so she shouldnt question what they are fed here as one off. He was annoyed and hurt on my behalf.

The more I think about it, the more I'm struggling to understand really why it has become such a huge issue, simply for the sake of a one-off incident. There must surely be more to this.

She has every right to question why the kids hadn't eaten a proper meal - I don't accept that a sandwich and crisps equates to a roast dinner, and my DD (12) certainly wouldn't.

OP you have every right to feel unappreciated and hassled and these feelings were magnified by the fact that you weren't well. However, I think your underlying feelings about the way you seem to be taken for granted are a problem you need to resolve with your DH, not the ex.

You say I am no longer making sure they are showered before they go home and will not cook a roast dinner. Well that's fair enough - you need to tell your DH to step up and pull his weight on a Sunday. As you said, he hardly ever needs to work on a Sunday, this was an unusual situation.

There's no need to go on roastie "strike", or refuse to have the kids showered - but you and your DH are entitled to organise your weekends in a way which suits you. I don't think it's reasonable to insist children of that age are delivered back showered - they can easily shower at home, there's plenty of time before bed given their respective ages.

Perhaps you could give more thought to the suggestion that you and DH start to explore with the kids how they would like their weekends to be organised?

At their age, it's probably about time things evolved and became a bit more flexible.

By the sound of it, she's hardly going to start denying contact!

NotaDisneyMum Tue 09-Apr-13 22:13:51

mumandboys No-one here would dispute that open communication between separated parents is best for the DCs involved, and its abundantly clear that that you have the ideal with your ex - are you oblivious to the fact that most who post here find themselves in less than ideal situations?

If my DP were to tell his ex that DSS had slept badly, not eaten a full meal or been upset after school it would provide her with an excuse to withhold contact. Several SM have posted here about Social Services investigations which have been initiated by the ex using "evidence" of exactly the type of texts/emails you suggest.

Some high conflict couples are actually prohibited, by the terms of court orders, to communicate in the way you describe.

Of course, the majority of SM in those situations know it is not ideal, and many, like myself, recognise that their DP has/is contributing to the ongoing hostilities.

The overwhelming advice given to SM by professionals and experienced SM veterans is 'disengage'. When parents are at war, the Stepparents to often become collateral damage and are advised to stay out if it.

In the case of the OP, the ex wanted to score points against the DCs dad and used the OP to do it. It doesn't matter how the OP chooses to behave, until the parents choose to engage positively, she will continue to get caught in the crossfire.

sanityseeker75 Tue 09-Apr-13 18:57:18

Actually momandboys they had eaten more than sandwich in 24 hours. They have in the past come here at 9 on a Sat morning knackered from staying up late and not had any breakfast (so therefore def not eaten in 24 hrs). Ex doesnt inform us of this, they do. DH does not text to question it and neither do I, I just feed them hmm

sanityseeker75 Tue 09-Apr-13 18:45:08

Petal We have EW because court ordered and mom wanted it. Yes EOW would be great as my DS goes to his Dads on that basis so me and DH would get some time alone for me to teach him to cook grin

racmun Tue 09-Apr-13 18:44:42

The ex has a bloody cheek.
Different situation but I got blamed for everything with sc and I have taken a step back and refuse to get involved anymore. I have better things to do than be the scapegoat for a jealous exw.

The ex doesn't appreciate what you did for her children. She must know what her exh is capable of making food wise and I'd leave it up to him to make meals for his kids.

With regard to access when he's not around the access is for him to see them not you - if he can't and it doesn't suit you then tell her so.

I am really annoyed on your behalf.

allnewtaketwo Tue 09-Apr-13 18:30:40

No, I wouldn't curse anyone who looked after my child whilst ill, I would thank them and say I hope they feel better soon hmm

purpleroses Tue 09-Apr-13 18:28:46

Flurp - Ham and roast pork are both made from pigs
Crisps and roast potatoes are both made from potatoes with a little oil and salt.
Yorkshire pudding is made mainly from flour, as is bread.

You might prefer a roast dinner, but you'd live just as healthily from sandwiches. As to which is most filling, well that depends how much you eat surely?

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