Yes I may of been wrong but really...........

(135 Posts)
sanityseeker75 Mon 08-Apr-13 11:13:42

I know that I may well get flamed on here today but just feel fed up and hurt and figured I would share.

We have DSC EW and EW on a Sunday I cook a full roast dinner, do all the ironing, make sure homework and showers are done before the DSC go home so they are ready for school and Mom doesn't have a stress on a Sunday night.

DH can not cook - and I mean really not even beans on toast(he is very good at housework though so I generally live with it).

This weekend I have felt really poorly. DS was still asleep at 11.00 so when DSS came downstairs to ask for something to eat I told him to just grab himself something from cupboard. He did - crisps.

DH was having to go out in afternoon so I decided there was no point cooking roast and kids are off school for easter holidays so I did them Ham Sandwichs on crusty bread and yes - they had another packet of crisps late in the afternoon. Had showers etc and them I dropped them home.

When DH got back he had had several text messages of ex slating me for not providing them with a roast dinner and saying as I have a son I should know that crisps are not acceptable and what was I doing letting them have nothing but crisps for breakfast and dinner.

Now I fully accept that crisps are not really the best option, I suppose because I cook during the week and generally do well balanced meals on the whole I thought it wouldn't kill them this once - I also know that mom does them smiley faces and waffles etc so that is not exactly full of nutrition food either so I feel harshly judged on 1 incident of poor judgement in the last 5 years or so.

Now I have put my foot down - admittedly because I felt so crap, so I spat my dummy and said that going forward so that everyone knows where they stand, I am no longer making sure they are showered before they go home and will not cook a roast dinner - they will have a lunch at 2-3 (cold sandwhich/snack) and she can cook them a roast for when they get home every week instead!

See how she copes with doing a roast and getting them ready for school every flipping weekend.

flurp Mon 08-Apr-13 23:18:01

I have said that the OP isn't at fault but surely it's courtesy to let someone know that their kids might come home hungry when you are expecting them to have had a roast.
The ex was a cow to text the OP but it wouldn't have hurt them to prewarn her so she could have got some food for them!

olgaga Mon 08-Apr-13 23:29:58

I agree, OP this is unfair on you but it must have been very annoying for the DM for them to arrive home having not eaten.

I think it would have been better if you had texted her to say you weren't well, and the children will just have their usual breakfast and a sandwich that Sunday.

However, the underlying problem here is that your DH doesn't seem to be very bothered about you being poorly, or the care of his children during their contact times.

Why do you have to have them every weekend anyway? (I'm assuming that's what EW means). Is there a court order to that effect, and is she perhaps a bit unhappy about that?

olgaga Mon 08-Apr-13 23:33:44

you never know when serious illness or disaster can strike and I really think that your DP should know how to make at least a couple of meals to cover that eventuality

Too right - it's absurd that a grown man can't cook anything - unless he's illiterate and unable to read packet instructions. Get some easy meals/ready meals in the freezer for these kind of eventualities in future.

You know, I was incredulous that anyone would get so arsey over the lack of a roast dinner on a Sunday. But now I've seen two people defending the behaviour, my mind is well and truly boggled.

Sandwiches are food. I really don't see any need to text someone to say that the kids hadn't had a roast dinner. No one needs a roast dinner every week. Roast dinners are not required to sustain life. It appears that the kids are eat tea at their mother's on a Sunday. So what if she had to dig out some chicken nuggets, potato waffles and peas from the freezer rather than making sandwiches?

Sure they OP might have over-reacted a bit, but it's very clear that the children's mother is absolutely taking the piss so that's understandable. Indeed, the OP was quite restrained. I would have been far ruder (I guess because I'm not a stepmother and don't have to deal with the politics of dealing with someone else's unreasonable ex; H is a stepfather and does though, although my ex would never dream of complaining about what I feed DS1).

allnewtaketwo Tue 09-Apr-13 06:08:54

"The underlying problem here is that your DH doesn't seem to be very bothered about you being poorly"

WTF, the OP has said he went to work. I cannot afford to take a day off work when my DH is sick, nor for DH to when I am ill. not many working families can. You think he should have taken a day off work and lost money so that the children could have a cooked meal in accordance with his ex's demand request?

The OP did well to keep the children at her house when feeling poorly and on her own, most people might have asked a relative to have the children (a relative like their actual mother for example?). But no doubt she would have been wrong to do that as well.

millie30 Tue 09-Apr-13 07:29:36

Olgaga the OP clearly says that the mother choses for the DCs to go every weekend even if they will be in the sole care of the OP. This thread is crazy.

Xalla Tue 09-Apr-13 07:35:42

I take it Mum has them every week day? Does she cook a full-on meal for them EVERY night? I doubt it.

This is ludicrous. As others have said, she could quite easily have rustled up a quick meal for them on the Sunday evening if they were hungry, she's their mother FFS and it's her duty far more than it is yours. Where does it say that a roast dinner each Sunday is pre-requisite for good parenting?!

It isn't up to you to make sure they're fed. It's your DH's and their mothers. OK you could have texted her but if you were feeling awful then it probably (and understandably) wouldn't have crossed your mind. You're not her childminder - you don't have to answer to her. Allnew is right - you did well to have them at all when you were ill and on your own.

The ex wants you and your H to have the children every weekend, and you have agreed to this. I don't think the ex has a right to micro manage how you feed and look after them. Either she trusts you with her children or she doesn't. Also they were not sent home having not eaten! They had a sandwich. Which is fine.

It is great that you feel appreciated and backed up by your dh.

mumandboys123 Tue 09-Apr-13 07:55:23

snazzy - no, it's not hard to knock up a meal quickly when the children come home, I agree. However, it is reasonable to expect that the other parent lets the PWC know that the children haven't eaten a full meal that day. It's called 'communication' and seems something of a novel idea between ex partners! Communication in this case would probably have prevented mum's outburst (or it may not, I accept that). It is also reasonable to let the PWC know that things haven't been 'normal' that weekend (the reason for it doesn't need to be imparted, although it helps put things in context) it's not the end of the world that they've only had a sandwich and there is an expectation that the PWC 'picks up the slack' if the children are hungry but the PWC needs to know about it.

I would also add that much depends on what time the children were returned on the Sunday - mine are returned around 6pm and frankly, with young children who are then bathed and sent to bed, it's too late to be eating a full meal. Indeed, this is something my ex and I argued over for sometime - he wanted to return them at 7pm unwashed and unfed but refused the compromise of returning them at 5pm if washing and feeding was an issue for him. We finally agreed on the 6pm because washing is an issue but feeding isn't, apparently...

nkf Tue 09-Apr-13 07:59:24

Ignore the texts. Cook the roasts if you feel like cooking them. I'd bail out of the ironing though. And DH should learn to cook.

HelenDaniels Tue 09-Apr-13 08:00:03

What chippingin said, every word.

The silly bugger. What a ridiculous thing to get het up about, everyone has moments where they feel to knackered, Unwell or lazy to cook. You fed the kids. I would absolutely not bother cooking a roast dinner every weekend from now on. As you say o have one in the week anyway so why bother with the faff of making one every Sunday as well.

Since when have roast dinners every Sunday been the law anyway? If they are that precious to her she can make her own every week ready for when the kids get back.

Ad of course she could have rustled up something for the kids for dinner, if she didn't have anything in the house she could quickly cook she has a problem.

HelenDaniels Tue 09-Apr-13 08:00:14

TOO

Ariel21 Tue 09-Apr-13 08:06:06

We now drop ours off at her mother's at seven on a Sunday (every other). That means eating and packing up by six, which is stupidly early to have a full meal. We often have something light or even (shock horror) if it has been an especially busy one, have a packed tea in the car.

She often turns up at ours unfed on a Friday night, depending on what time her father has arrived (he goes straight from work.) It's not that hard to feed one more mouth unexpectedly. She should get a grip.

allnewtaketwo Tue 09-Apr-13 08:09:30

"However, it is reasonable to expect that the other parent lets the PWC know that the children haven't eaten a full meal that day. It's called 'communication' and seems something of a novel idea between ex partners!"

So should a pwc be contacting the nrp on each day they are not fed a hot meal while in the pwc's care?

Or does your rule only apply to duty on behalf of the nrp/nrp partner?

allnewtaketwo Tue 09-Apr-13 08:14:32

DH has to leave DSSs back at 6.30 on a Sunday (as per the court order issued 11 years ago - they are 17 and 14 now). It's absolutely ridiculous trying to get dinner cooked and eaten in time for that drop off. Actually now I've read that myself in black and white I can see how ridiculous it is. There's all kinds of stress and rushing around going on when they're rushing dinner in a tizz and forgetting stuff in their hurry to get home in time.

nkf Tue 09-Apr-13 08:14:47

This business about communication makes more sense with a very young or non verbal child. "Have you eaten?" you say and the answer determines what you do next.

Xalla Tue 09-Apr-13 08:16:22

Exactly!

Ariel21 Tue 09-Apr-13 08:17:05

Also I don't understand the 'they are not your children' opinions on this thread. I know my stepdaughter isn't my child but we parent together, and we did do even before we were married. If he needs to work - I look after her. I accept that there are lines I wouldn't cross (I.e. would consult him if decisions needed to be made). But would never say 'she isn't my daughter' as we are a team. She has a stepfather who i am sure feels the same.

outtolunchagain Tue 09-Apr-13 08:17:06

But these are not little children they are 9 and 13 , can't understand why the 13 year old didn't make the sandwiches .

Frankly if the worst thing that happens to a 13 year old is that they have 2 bags of crisps in a day ( not saying that is good)then the mum should be pretty happy

Xalla Tue 09-Apr-13 08:17:07

To All new's comment about the rule only applying the nrp that is!

FrauMoose Tue 09-Apr-13 08:17:11

I'm surprised that it all still revolves around an ancient court order. With teenagers it should be much more about what they want - and what fits in with their now very different lives. (Study, socialising, their choices generally.)

NotaDisneyMum Tue 09-Apr-13 08:19:53

mumandboys Would it really hurt the DCs to have TWO sandwich meals in one day?
If mum usually feeds them sandwiches when they get home because they've had a cooked meal earlier in the day, is it really going to hurt if they have the same 'sandwich meal' with their mum even if they have had sandwiches earlier in the day?

I wish I could say I'm surprised that there are critical comments aimed at the OP in this thread, but I'm not - she's a SM and even if her behaviour was on a par with Mother Theresa, the mere fact that she has regular contact with another woman's DCs is enough to generate hatred in some.

This thread should provide reassurance to all those SM who doubt themselves and ask themselves 'is it me?'. No, it's not you - there really are people who consider that mothers can behave in any way whatsoever when it comes to their DCs stepmum wink

allnewtaketwo Tue 09-Apr-13 08:21:52

Fraumoose assume that's to me?
Yes you would think! They are absolutely terrified of their mother and do exactly as she says. She insists on the rota to the absolute letter and apparently she goes ape if they're as much as 5 minutes late (yes despite DSS1 being 17!). They recently said that she's told them they're "not to ask her ever again" if they can see their dad outside of access time.

They don't have social lives so there is no other driver for them not to abide by access time.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Tue 09-Apr-13 08:25:39

The children's mother had no place texting you regarding this OP.

She should have texted their FATHER. And asked HIM why HE didn't make sure their children hadn't eaten.

I don't blame you for banning roasts on a Sunday from now on. Let her do it!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Tue 09-Apr-13 08:26:59

*had eaten.

Not "hadn't eaten"

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