Yes I may of been wrong but really...........

(135 Posts)
sanityseeker75 Mon 08-Apr-13 11:13:42

I know that I may well get flamed on here today but just feel fed up and hurt and figured I would share.

We have DSC EW and EW on a Sunday I cook a full roast dinner, do all the ironing, make sure homework and showers are done before the DSC go home so they are ready for school and Mom doesn't have a stress on a Sunday night.

DH can not cook - and I mean really not even beans on toast(he is very good at housework though so I generally live with it).

This weekend I have felt really poorly. DS was still asleep at 11.00 so when DSS came downstairs to ask for something to eat I told him to just grab himself something from cupboard. He did - crisps.

DH was having to go out in afternoon so I decided there was no point cooking roast and kids are off school for easter holidays so I did them Ham Sandwichs on crusty bread and yes - they had another packet of crisps late in the afternoon. Had showers etc and them I dropped them home.

When DH got back he had had several text messages of ex slating me for not providing them with a roast dinner and saying as I have a son I should know that crisps are not acceptable and what was I doing letting them have nothing but crisps for breakfast and dinner.

Now I fully accept that crisps are not really the best option, I suppose because I cook during the week and generally do well balanced meals on the whole I thought it wouldn't kill them this once - I also know that mom does them smiley faces and waffles etc so that is not exactly full of nutrition food either so I feel harshly judged on 1 incident of poor judgement in the last 5 years or so.

Now I have put my foot down - admittedly because I felt so crap, so I spat my dummy and said that going forward so that everyone knows where they stand, I am no longer making sure they are showered before they go home and will not cook a roast dinner - they will have a lunch at 2-3 (cold sandwhich/snack) and she can cook them a roast for when they get home every week instead!

See how she copes with doing a roast and getting them ready for school every flipping weekend.

givemeaclue Mon 08-Apr-13 11:14:56

Teach your husband to cook, its ridiculous he can't make beans on toast

sanityseeker75 Mon 08-Apr-13 11:21:11

I agree but as I said, he is very hands on with housework etc - and as I also said he was out all afternoon so would not have been around anyway sad

flurp Mon 08-Apr-13 11:26:59

Why couldn't you/DH have let their Mum know that they wouldn't be having a dinner? That way she could have prepared something.
And being unable to cook is a cop out. Your DH could have rustled something up for them surely or even got them a takeaway.
Also, why did he go out and leave them with you knowing you were ill? I think you have been taken advantage of and I don't blame you for being annoyed.
To be honest I would angry if my dc came back from their dads having eaten crisps when I thought they would have had a proper meal but I don't think you should be shouldering the blame here either. They are your DH's kids too and he should have fed them.
Hope you feel better today.

MrscremeEgg Mon 08-Apr-13 11:28:11

you sound like you're doing an awful lot of the parenting of HIS children.

Let him bloody do it himself.

Won't you be missing out on a Sunday roast too though? I do understand that you had one day off in all those years, and you shouldn't have got flak for that, also agree your DH should be doing more of the 'looking after' of his kids.

Rainbowinthesky Mon 08-Apr-13 11:32:55

Yanbu because this is your dh's fault. I hate cooking and can barely do it but I have to so I do. It's a fab cop out your dh has that he "can't". My 9 year old can make basic meals and my 17 year old does his own food. Does he have a job? Is he able to perform simple tasks at work?

Rainbowinthesky Mon 08-Apr-13 11:33:41

Did he drive to go out? I really hope that someone incapable of making beans on toast isn't driving a car.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 08-Apr-13 11:35:31

they had a sandwich because you were ill

hardly neglect

although your DH should have stepped up to the mark

Rainbowinthesky Mon 08-Apr-13 11:44:42

Are you sure the ex wasn't trying to make a point about dh not providing care for his dc? It seems odd that she also assumes you are the care giver for their kids.

Heinz55 Mon 08-Apr-13 11:44:54

I don't think you were wrong. You chose to parent his kids to the (very generous) extent that you do - so you had an off day. That should NOT be such a big deal - for them or for their mother. If there were no skids involved would anybody be saying your dp should learn to cook, etc? I think by the sound of it you are doing a great job and not a word should have been said about the one off day (ham sandwiches sound just fine). Do what suits you - YOUR son has to get on with whatever suits you - so should your skids. Being on edge about having to be extra careful with them will only create a gulf and they should be able to slot in as part of your family - the good with the not-so-good.

BubblePopper Mon 08-Apr-13 11:53:41

Their DM is being ridiculous...they were fed. Ok so you spat out your dummy-no biggy. If you fancy making a roast one Sunday make one, if not and she wants DC to have one then she'll have to.
I don't think it's a big deal that your DH doesn't cook either.

Also. What is wrong with sandwiches??

sanityseeker75 Mon 08-Apr-13 12:02:41

For all those who are flaming DH - your right he should know how to cook basics but he was out - if he was in he could have done them sandwich or would have got them takeaway - but actually his ex wanted to know why they did not have roast dinner.

Ex knew he would be out all afternoon and because we have EW contact he is sometimes out at the weekends and Ex knows that I have them - she would prefer that than keep them at hers.

Even when DH was in hospital with kidney stones I still had to have them as I was told it is her job to make them available for contact and therefore if DH can't get them - I should. I would point out at this stage that actually the kids are no hassle - I have had them for so long it would probaly be weird without them.

LibertineLover not really bothered about a Sunday roast as I always do one mid week anyway and do have balanced meals anyway - I only started doing roast every week because DH ex asked me to years ago as it is only roast they get.

Rainbowinthesky you may be right and I wouldn't have cared if she hadn't text me saying with a child of my own I should know better.

Heinz55 thank you - thats sort of how I felt

It may seem that I do a lot of care giving to his kids and I do - I don't really see that as a bad thing though - its unavoidable with EW contact and we do all the holiday etc.

DH is hands on in other areas and has to look after my DS during week if I work late etc - it is just how it works in our house. If all the kids were ours then it would still have panned out the same just without the grief.

givemeaclue Mon 08-Apr-13 12:05:12

Ok so:

- don't do a roast on Sundays in future unless you want to.

-ignore crazy messages from ex. Who cases what she thinks?!

- teach dh to make basics such as beans on toast

allnewtaketwo Mon 08-Apr-13 12:11:52

"I only started doing roast every week because DH ex asked me to years ago as it is only roast they get"

shock shock - you started to cook a particular meal because your husband's ex asked you to. Well that was were you went wrong. You did what she asked and now she is chastising you like a child for disobeying her.

Why on earth would you base your family meals around what someone else wants you to cook confused

hairtearing Mon 08-Apr-13 12:13:55

They are not you're kids, and you weren't very well.

What are you expected to do?

Your DP needed to step up in that situation.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 08-Apr-13 13:01:19

I think that you have been very restrained!

If your DSC mum doesn't like the way you care for her children, then don't do it.
It's very convenient for her that you are prepared to care for them when neither of their parents are willing to - but if she starts dictating how you deliver that care, and demand you follow her rules, then it's time to stop. I've seen exactly the same advice given elsewhere on MN to grandparents and friends who look after DCs as a favour - this isn't a step issue, it's straightforward bad manners!

N0tinmylife Mon 08-Apr-13 13:10:15

What a bizarre over reaction from DSS's Mum! If you were giving them crisps all the time instead of meals I could understand her being annoyed, but once, because you are ill, is really not a big deal! I have never heard of anyone suffering health problems due to a lack of roast dinners!!

fuzzywuzzy Mon 08-Apr-13 13:10:54

how old are the SC?

A sandwich is hardly starving them tho is it?

On weekends we eitherhave a massive fry up and lots of food all day or sandwiches and eating the last bits in the house beforehten ext major shop.

Sandwiches are fine for a meal, I have them a lot at work. Since when did it become nutritional neglect?

Do exactly as yuo want OP, cook what the heck you like and teach your DH to cook basics and get him to teach his kids too while he's learning, they can then fend for themsleves without the risk of starvation if you fall ill or go on holiday!

Pinkshaman Mon 08-Apr-13 13:13:01

I think he could have made sure they were fed as you were I'll, and I'm pretty shocked that he won't cook. There's no way though that you should feel obliged to cook a roast because their mum has asked you to! Do whatever you want to do.

Rainbowinthesky Mon 08-Apr-13 13:21:46

It seems like you have been too nice in the past and dh and ex are too used to this. I would start to be more assertive about what you will and won't do.

sanityseeker75 Mon 08-Apr-13 13:28:17

Kids are 9 and 13, I did give them sandwiches with the crisps. DH wasn't there and ex knew he wouldn't be because he told her and I was doing drop off. If he had then he would have done something but it would still have been sandwiches and crisps.

I have learnt my lesson well and truthfully - and actually can't believe that I feel hurt that the ONCE I let things slip it gets such a reaction

TomDudgeon Mon 08-Apr-13 13:36:15

I'm not very well at the moment
Currently sat on the sofa wallowing

Yesterday dh was out with the two eldest so the two youngest had
Dairy lea Dunkers, a packet of crisps, an ice cream and some had cakes.

So bloody what? It won't kill them for once and anyone who wants to judge me can do one.
She has no right to comment like that. If it were all the time then fair enough but its not and if she doesn't like it she can change it.

flurp Mon 08-Apr-13 14:46:13

My youngest two are 9 and 13 and they know how to make a light meal - beans on toast or omelette or something. I obviously am around to supervise but they can pretty much do it themselves and have done when I've been ill in the past.
Maybe this is a good time to give them (and their dad) some cookery lessons
grin

NotaDisneyMum Mon 08-Apr-13 14:56:14

flurp Is it really up to the OP to teach her DSC to cook so that their mum doesn't get upset with what the OP feeds them?

If Mum is so damn precious worried about their diet, why doesn't she teach them, rather than expecting the OP to deliver meals to order?

This thread is laughable - blaming the OP for being too nice, suggesting that she teach her DSC to cook so that their Mum doesn't get upset - some people really can't accept that a mother can ever behave badly, can they?!?

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