honest and possibly sensitive question, but, if you knew then what you know now, would you have got involved with someone who had kids?

(62 Posts)
wannaBe Fri 05-Apr-13 17:57:42

was going to namechange for this but ...

Before I was married and had my ds I was adament that I would never get involved with someone who had kids. It just seemed like a complete nightmare to me, although obviously at that point I had no dc of my own so didn't have that maternal thing iyswim.

Now I have a ds who is ten, and me and h separated in July last year. I am by no means even in the market for dating let alone getting into any kind of relationship, but sometimes I see posts on here from step parents and the issues they have being a blended/step/(whatever the correct term is) family and I think that maybe my resolve to never get involved with someone with kids hasn't actually changed.

But then the alternative is to only get involved with someone who doesn't have kids, who in turn wouldn't have a clue, and wouldn't that make me a hipocrit?

I'm not even sure this is the right place for this, but perhaps I am less likely to get a pasting here than on say ibu or chat...

So - did you ever think about it? and if you knew then what you know now, would you have thought differently?

And just to clarify, I'm not suggesting for a minute that anyone regrets the situation they're in at the moment, just whether or not with hindsight they may have made different decisions...

YvyB Sun 09-Jun-13 21:27:23

Newbie here but what a relief to read this post! No way. Never again. Ever.

Petal02 Sun 09-Jun-13 21:29:53

One of my friends, with 2 children, is about to set up home with her new man, who also has 2 children. She can't foresee any problems ......

SussexBelle Mon 10-Jun-13 08:56:24

No.

Actually, let me think..... no.

Molson10 Mon 10-Jun-13 12:18:14

oh this is so comforting to read. sorry am crying again

I've just had a hell of a night with SC and MIL, I am absolutely at rock bottom and just don't know if I can do it any longer. I have aged 20 years in 6, the SD started on our wedding day. She is 20 now and it still continues, not helped by her brother.

In desperation last night I posted on the am I being unreasonable forum, so if anyone would like to give me any advice or tip, would be very much appreciated.

Stupidly I thought if I was nice to them and didn't try too hard, we'd get there eventually.

I have to add, the our problem is indirectly the ex, she doesn't get involved day to day, but stirs it from afar and will call to lecture me and DH on how we should do things, even though she throw out her daughter on chrismas Eve when she was 17 !! The ex show my husband no respect and so the kids don't either so I'm on a hiding to nowhere.

CoffeePleaseSir Mon 10-Jun-13 12:24:51

No, no way.
I have found it complicated, heart wrenching (at times) and bloody hard work, I couldn't go through it again.

Stepmooster Mon 10-Jun-13 13:05:14

I think it entirely depends on how the person you are getting involved with parents their children and how they perceive the roles of second wives/husbands.

I thank my lucky stars DH does not treat me like a skivvy nor expect me to parent DSS, he doesn't let DSS back chat me and he is getting much better at saying 'no' to his ex. I care about DSS but I am not put in ridiculous sitautions that a lot of poor folk are, of having the full responsibility of looking after DSC's on their own, with no respect, no opportunity to discipline, nor have any rights at all. I would never settle for that.

Fenton Mon 10-Jun-13 13:38:01

I am baffled by the purpose of this thread considering the OP's opinion of 'people who get together with people who already have children'

And she hasn't returned to the thread to comment on the answers - confused

Seems a bit goady to me, like a retrospective 'you've made your bed now lie in it'

hmm

StillSlightlyCrumpled Mon 10-Jun-13 15:34:34

I would do it all again & am one of those for whom it's mostly been plain sailing. BUT I absolutely wouldn't get involved if things were acrimonious between the potential partner & his ex. I wouldn't if a court had had to decide when access had to take place either. The more I have read on here over the years the more I strongly believe that the only reason it has been easy / natural for me is because all of the adults involved have behaved appropriately.

MoodyDidIt Mon 10-Jun-13 18:06:18

no i wouldn't TBH

i love dh, and wouldn't change what we have but my god have we both been through some heartache

but I had no idea; I was young. I was naive. i had visions of me, dh, my ds and his dd being one big happy family..... ha ha ha <hollow laugh>

allnewtaketwo Mon 10-Jun-13 18:12:59

Fenton I was thinking exactly the same thing. Sounds like the OP has a chip on her shoulder a bit of an unhealthy obsession

SussexBelle Mon 10-Jun-13 18:51:57

Joins in with MoodyDidIt and the hollow laugh...

Df has 4 kids with his 'childhood sweetheart' and one with his ex wife. Df doesn't see the 4 for the CS's sake - she has asked him to keep out, they are 'her' kids and he was a 'willing doner' (true) but he talks to the older 2 on facebook/by phone so in that respect i am very very lucky that whilst i have SC i am not a SP.

His dd to ex wife i dote on but she lives miles away so again only really facebook/phone/skype but she is just the cheekiest little madam and gorgeous too, the utter double of df with his attitude so it's no wonder i love her! Once she's older and visits more moves in please i hope we'll get on just as well as we do now. So long as ex wife minds her spiteful mouth i think we will grin

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