Having a moan about DSSs's mum

(37 Posts)
balia Fri 29-Mar-13 14:26:22

I really try not to, (moan I mean) but it gets so wearing being messed about and never being treated with even basic courtesy.

We are supposed to be picking up DSS at 10am this morning for the start of a week's stay for Easter. We were meant to be heading to DH's Mums. It is court ordered, and DH wrote to ex to confirm all the dates at the end of January. So of course last night she rang and left a message saying we couldn't have DSS until 5pm. DH rang her this morning - apparently she's decided that as the court order says 'after school' on fridays, that means 5pm (even though DSS is not at school today, and every other Friday pick up in holiday time for the past 5 years has been at 10am). And she didn't mention it before because she didn't realise when the pick up would be because she hasn't read the court order or DH's letter (too upsetting, apparently).

Alright, it isn't the end of the world, it means we will be travelling at night which I hate, and arriving too late for the meal we've booked etc, but if she pulls this kind of stunt in the summer we'll have to go and catch our flight and DSS will miss out. As DH pointed out, if she interprets the court order differently from him he is happy to discuss it, be flexible etc, but not the night before!

Thanks if you read this far. Will now breathe.

balia Fri 29-Mar-13 17:18:47

DH there now. Still no sign of DSS coming out of the house. Apparently he is 'getting changed'.

Stepmooster Fri 29-Mar-13 17:44:22

I can't offer any words of wisdom, but if it helps I feel your pain!

NotaDisneyMum Fri 29-Mar-13 17:57:35

You have my sympathy - I know just how infuriating this is.

Given the wayy this board has been recently, I'm sure someone will be along soon to encourage you to be sympathetic and tolerant, as your DSS mum is obviously still struggling to come to terms with the split and to ask you if you were the OW, and tell you how hard it must be for DSS mum to deal with her son and exDP holidaying with another woman.

My own feeling is that she's being a petty, vindictive cow using DSS as a weapon in a power game with your DP; perhaps one day, he'll be strong enough to put his foot down. My DPs got to the stage where if his ex pulls a stunt like this, he'll tell her that its not convenient to change times, he'll be there as planned and if DSC doesn't come along then he'll miss out on the trip and have to stay with mum for the week. Calling her bluff ALWAYS works wink

balia Fri 29-Mar-13 20:08:10

Thanks StepM, and NADM - I have noticed the wave of antipathy to Stepmums (not just recently, either) and did wonder whether to say upfront that i was not the OW and the split was nearly 10 years ago!

Yes, she is being a petty vindictive cow and it will doubtless backfire on her in one way or another. One of the things she said to DH this morning was that she had arranged all sorts of fun Easter-related activities that DSS was really looking forward to - now he is here, it transpires that he has spent the day watching TV and playing at Granma's with his brother. And next Easter the court order says DSS is with us for the second week of the holidays - which means we should have him for the Easter weekend again, I wonder if she will be as keen to stick to the Court Order then?

Unfortunately, calling her bluff isn't going to work - her whole plan is to sabotage contact. But even delayed, he is here now, and is so excited about spending the week here it is all worth it!

billingtonssugar Sat 30-Mar-13 14:32:33

One can only imagine how these kids are going to turn out! Isn't he saying "but I usually go to dad at 10am in the holidays" confused

One can also only wonder about the sanity of the mum who is not only to happy to have a Saturday to herself!! grin

On the reverse, my dds dad usually gets her from school on his Friday, at 3pm. I assumed it would have been the same yesterday even though she was with me for the day - but he didn't come until 5pm hmm

LineRunner Sat 30-Mar-13 15:02:57

Doesn't sound like a well-worded contact order. Would it be worth the fee to ask for it to be amended to say 'Friday after school but where this falls on a school holiday it will be 10am'?

Also, assuming that your step-son is at least (?)10 years old, it might be worth thinking about the point when visits are done with his consent and by arrangement with him.

But could I just also say, and I mean this genuinely, I don't think it's helpful to think of his mother a 'petty, vindictive cow'. Flawed, yes. Hurt, yes. Behaving poorly, yes. The reason so many threads advise showing a bit of concern, understanding and empathy is because it actually works.

Stepmooster Sun 31-Mar-13 05:25:44

I don't think it's helpful to think of his mother a 'petty, vindictive cow'. Flawed, yes. Hurt, yes. Behaving poorly, yes.

That's how I tried v hard to view her. I couldn't believe a mother would do the things she has because her ex husband had the audacity to remarry and have more children. Completely forgetting that A) she is the one who had the affair and split her children from their father and stepfather of 11 yrs B) that she herself is on marriage number 3 and has children from 2 previous marriages, therefore making her a hypocrite.

DH told me when they were married she used to look forward to packing her eldest 2 off to their dads EOW so they could have best of both worlds. they were 3 and 11 months at the time. DH wanted his own child, she gave him one and then confessed on being found to be having an affair that she hated not having her weekends to herself anymore. I formed my new opinion of the ex being vindictive etc after I had my own child, where it would completely destroy me inside to live apart from my baby EOW. So I have no idea of this woman's logic, she was in her 30's when she had them so I can't reconcile it by her being a young mum. DSS asked for more contact, and she fought tooth and nail. Now she is moving and DSS doesn't know it but she is trying to obstruct contact. Poor lad in the middle again. She knows DH will have to go to sols and 'waste his money trying to see his son'. I'm with NADM call her bluff, although DH is too scared to, she will soon pine for her freedom from her children. h

flurp Sun 31-Mar-13 10:31:36

Some women actually are petty vindictive cows!
I have given DPs ex the benefit of the doubt and made excuses for her time and time again. Even stood up for her at times.
But she actually is a nasty person who uses her dc as weapons to hurt their father every chance she gets.
Sounds like the ex wife in the OP is as bad!
No advice really - maybe just don't plan to take him away straight from his mums anymore, give it a day so you know he will definitely be with you when you leave. This is playing along with her games I know but causes the minimum damage for your DSS.
I feel your pain sad

Stepmooster Sun 31-Mar-13 11:41:47

I think that our society finds it very hard to deal with the idea of a bad mother. I know from experience, my mother physically and emotionally abused my sister and I. Towards the end of their marriage she abused my father too. No one belived me when I tried to explain, relatives, family friends, the school etc. Not helped I'm sure by the fact that she could be a very good actress and play the victim very well, and that she worked at the school I went to and everyone thought she was wonderful. We were bad children, one teacher told my sister if she didn't stop telling lies she would give my mother a breakdown.

Everyone thought it was my dad who was the bully, she used to tell so many lies about him to other people in front of my sister and I. It wasn't until she tried to stab my sister that they finally realised what she was like.

But we were adults by then and our childhood ruined.

We find it easy to believe fathers can be abusive but shakes some people to the core if a mother acts that way.

My mother used to delight in telling us having children ruined her life. But when she wanted to divorce my father we weren't allowed to live with him even though that's what we wanted.

Let's all just assume please that all fathers and mothers have the ability to be good and bad, and that when people come onto this forum, mothers/stepmothers that they do so because they care about the children in their lives and let's assume what they tell us is true and not try to paint them as over-reacting.

On one level I feel sorry for the ex she is damaging her own relationship with her children. A child's love is not unconditional.

billingtonssugar Sun 31-Mar-13 17:20:31

It might be controversial but I don't think enjoying having every other weekend "off" particularly when building a new relationship makes you a bad mother. My dp and I have done so many wonderful things during the time dd is with her dad. It's 2 days out of 14...

taxiforme Sun 31-Mar-13 17:24:20

Stepmooster, that must have been hard to write. But, your point is absolutely spot on.

I absolutely agree with Steps last two sentences and its what i hold onto.

I see daily examples of "I love my mum cos she's my mum, but I don't like her".

Stepmooster Sun 31-Mar-13 22:41:19

It might be controversial but I don't think enjoying having every other weekend "off" particularly when building a new relationship makes you a bad mother.

No I don't think that is controversial and is probably quite healthy. But is expecting EOW off beyond the infancy of your relationship normal?

Some mothers treat their children as possessions, they will use them as tools to get back at their ex partners. some mothers, mine for example would have died of shame if my sister and I had gone to live with dad. She used to say, "what would people think if you lived with your dad."

It must really get on some mothers nerves that the children haven't taken their side in the split because afterall they were the ones who gave birth to the children?!

Thanks Taxiforme I have come to terms with what happened. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

mumandboys123 Mon 01-Apr-13 09:32:10

am I reading that right, stepmooster? you seem to think it unreasonable that a parent who is caring for children the majority of the time shouldn't be allowed to EXPECT to have every other weekend off? so out of 14 days, the PWC shouldn't expect to have 2 off?

flurp Mon 01-Apr-13 09:44:13

I think the point is that you can't be possessive with your dc and not let them see their dad one minute then demand they spend EOW with their dad when you have a new boyfriend and want them out of the way.

billingtonssugar Mon 01-Apr-13 09:50:17

I don't really understand all of that either stepmooster. Surely being horrified by what people would think if their children went to live with Dad is treating them like possessions? My dd will see how ever much of her dad and I as is right for her needs - not what makes me look good in the eyes if society. Fortunately that means I "get every other weekend off" which has enabled me to do lots of things with my partner that we otherwise would have had to miss out in doing as a couple. We're 5 years in now so not in infancy but given that for 12 days out if 14 he cares for a child who isn't actually his, I think he deserves a break too. "Entitled" is a funny word as no, none of us parents are entitled to time off as we chose to have kids and it is a full time job.

mumandboys123 Mon 01-Apr-13 14:38:56

yes, it is a full time job, but few of us signed up to having to do it full-time, alone, without the support of the other parent. In which case, it's not unreasonable that the parent with the minority of care steps up and gives the other parent some time off. I personally think it reasonable that both 'sides' have an expectation that the other will bear some of the load at least some of the time.

However, I take the point that things can change when there is a boyfriend in tow and I would agree that's not acceptable. Either the NRP is a good enough parent all the time or none of the time and the PWC needs to live with those decisions if making them themselves.

allnewtaketwo Mon 01-Apr-13 15:27:51

It would kill me to have EOW without my child, certainly wouldn't be looking forward to it hmm. I didn't hav a child to spend EOW childless enjoying my adult only free time

flurp Mon 01-Apr-13 16:55:18

I hate it too. Always have, especially now they are older but I do appreciate that he is their dad and they need to see him regularly too. I try to make the best of it and get lots done when they aren't around under my feet grin

allnewtaketwo Mon 01-Apr-13 17:17:57

Agree Flurp, in a position where you are separated from the dad then you're right, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with making the most if that time.

What I don't get is this agressive defence on mn of a PWC's god given right to child free time. No parent has a right as such to child free time, we all gave that right up when we decided to have them!

colditz Mon 01-Apr-13 17:28:33

Allnewtaketwo, not everyone is you, children deserve to spend time with their father and I refuse to mope around weeping about it. I DO deserve child free time. I do everything, all on my own, every day, and I pay for it all too. Why is it not realistic to expect the other parent to take up some of the slack and be a parent? Why is it a sad thing for a child to spend time with both parents?

colditz Mon 01-Apr-13 17:30:52

I did not single handed lay decide to have my children. It was a joint decision, made on the agreement tht the children would be raised jointly by both their parents.

It is not my fault my ex renaged on that agreement, and left me to do it on my own, and as the expectation of being a parent was to be a JOINT parent, then if I'm nearly always doing ut on my own, I need some TIME on my own too, to recover and rest.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 01-Apr-13 17:43:10

colditz Would you feel that you were entitled to child-free time if, for instance, you were a widow?

If the DCs father had died when they were young, you would be in exactly the same position as you are now.

Is it the fact that the DCs Dad has made a choice that gives you the right to child-free time - or is child-free time the right of every parent who is left raising DCs alone when they expected to co-parent?

allnewtaketwo Mon 01-Apr-13 17:44:23

Colditz did you deliberately set out to misread my post and take it as a personal attack, or was it a mistake? I gave an opinion on how I would find it, not a judgement on how anyone else finds it. I am entitled to my opinion. If you choose to misread my opinion as anything else then go ahead, but don't put words into my mouth that weren't there

billingtonssugar Mon 01-Apr-13 17:52:05

Well I'm pleased it doesn't "kill me" to spend two days out of two weeks without my daughter as she is incredibly perceptive of my feelings and I would hate to project that level of emotion on to her over something as basic as her spending time with the chap who is jointly responsible for creating her.

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