boyfriends ex wont let his children visit

(44 Posts)
Sammieh86 Wed 27-Mar-13 13:30:01

Hi all

just need a little advice really, ex pays child maintenance, and sees his kids as much as he possibly can, supports both his ex and there children in whatever way possible - amazing daddy!!

the ex is aware that we are together and also that we are in talks of moving in together - been in a relationship since august - but she will not even let the children come for tea with us, has said it will never happen

i have made it clear to my partner that they are more than welcome at any time she may need the support or when he wants them to visit but she is making this pretty impossible as she hates the idea of us being in a relationship

i dont push it with him, as i have been throught this myself and feel that it is something that him and his partner are to sit and talk through -- but i do feel that if he is serious about us and our relationship that this has to be sorted soon so that there is no confusion

any advice greatly appreciated

thankyou xxx

None of your business. Leave it to him and his ex to sort out. That's the short answer

glasscompletelybroken Wed 27-Mar-13 13:48:39

It is for your DP & his ex to sort out but it is your business because you can't realistically have a live-in relationship with someone with children under those circumstances. His ex is trying to control things and she has no right.

It is in the best interests of the kids to see their parents in happy relationships so that they have good role models for this later in life - you should ask him what kind of message it sends to the kids that their mummy won't let them come over.

If he has parental responsibility then she cannot dictate what happens during times that the children are with him. In an ideal world he would get tough with her and say that if she won't agree to the kids coming over then he will go to court for proper arrangements to be set in place.

In reality he will probably do anything to avoid rocking the boat but if your relationship is to have a future and you are to live together then you are right - this needs to be sorted now. If he always gives in to her demands you are in for a very rough ride.

Where does he see the kids now?

bluebell8782 Wed 27-Mar-13 13:50:30

Well..after that very unhelpful answer...Freddie...
It is your business if your relatonship is long term - how long have you been going out togther?

Sammieh86 Wed 27-Mar-13 13:56:54

we have been together since august last year...and she has tried all that she can to split us up in this time, when he sees the children now he has to have them at his moms sad

he plucked up the courage to ask if they could come just for tea to get used to the idea of 'daddys new home' and there was all hell break loose, she told him he couldnt have/see the children until he apologised to her - he only asked?

i told him to leave it another month or so and to ask again, and he said that if this is still the case then the only answer is through court sad we really want to resolve this if we can without having to go down that line but as its looking at the minute it is looking that that may be the only way

just really not sure which route to take, i want to support him but not stick my nose in? such a toughie sad

thanks for all replies xx

pinkbear82 Wed 27-Mar-13 14:04:11

I have been in your shoes... as hard as it is all you can do is support dp and hope his ex gets over herself quickly.

it's totally a control issue. once she she's it actually makes no.difference to your relationship she'll stop.

don't expect it to ever be an easy time. in my experience if it's not one thing it'll be something else!

SoupDreggon Wed 27-Mar-13 14:06:01

Why is he asking his ex?

Sammieh86 Wed 27-Mar-13 14:08:15

Thats how it seems to be he just cant do anything right...he asks i think just out of respect for her, and because i think he knows the trouble it would cause if he didnt

just horrible because i cant see any end to it at the minute sad

really hope that this will be sorted and soon, have any of you had to go through court?

Booyhoo Wed 27-Mar-13 14:09:28

is there a back story? what does she want him to apologise for?

i agree that it is or at least will become your business as you will be living with him and his children should be able to see their father in his home so it does need sorting. however, only he can sort it with her and if he is a bit too relaxed about not sorting it i'd wonder if he was someone i'd really want to be with.

Sammieh86 Wed 27-Mar-13 14:16:46

No back story - she wanted him to apologise for asking if they could come for tea - he didnt apologise as done nothing wrong

he has told her that i will meet them and this is going to happen....although this hasnt happened yet?

really confused sad

Booyhoo Wed 27-Mar-13 14:23:37

i think he needs to focus on him having the children on his own for the time being. august isn't that long ago and while it might be thr right time for you and he to live together, it might not be the right time for his dcs to go from meeting you to very quickly being/staying in your house. he needs to focus on the dcs coming to stay with him regularly and gradually building up the time they spend with you. telling his ex that the dcs will be meeting you is just going to get her back up and make it less likely for her to agree to anything. do the dcs stay over with him at his mums? how often?

Booyhoo Wed 27-Mar-13 14:28:44

in your partner's shoes i would be establishing a regular arrangement for teh dcs to visit him/stay over with him at his mums. e.g every saturday/sunday and once that has been established he can then take the dcs to your house for tea instead of his mums. tbh he doesn't really need to ask permission to take teh dcs somewhere else for tea during his contact time and if she pulls teh plug when he does then down to teh solicitor i would go.

allnewtaketwo Wed 27-Mar-13 14:28:56

"is there a back story?"
Why - because a woman could never be nasty for no reason hmm

Sammieh86 Wed 27-Mar-13 14:30:55

No there is no room at his moms for them to stay, she has 3 children of her own, one with a disability, he sees his children near enough every weekday after work, and on a weekend if they are not elsewhere/otherwise busy...i understand that these things take time, and realise that they wouldnt want to stay necessarily over night straight away....but for them to come for tea for a couple of hours, im not sure im being totally unreasonable? :S am i wrong for being that way? i know he needs time with them alone too as i dont want to be seem as taking daddy away from them, but i would also like just to meet them and say hello? am i being unreasonable? im not trying to play mommy either, i have childrenof my own, and understand that at first it does hurt, but we are now like best of friends my ex-partner and hiis new gfriend...just hope that one day this will be the case for us?xx

Booyhoo Wed 27-Mar-13 14:32:10

oh FGS!

no! i wondered why she was asking him to apologise. maybe there was something he had done before whilst having the dcs that was dangerous or something. entirely possible! i didn't connect the asking for an apology with him just asking to have his dcs for tea because it generally isn't something someone needs to apologise for. is that ok?

Booyhoo Wed 27-Mar-13 14:36:26

it can get that way sammie but it will take time as i'm sure you know. some people take longer than otehrs to accept new partners and it sounds liek she's struggling with it. understandable but not acceptable to keep the DC from their dad because of her feelings about him moving on.

you are not being unreasonable to want to be able to meet them, have tea etc. but to get to that stage he needs to get his ex to agree to let him have the dcs there in the first place. if he is seeing them every evening couldn't he just bring them to your house one evening and then the first meeting is over and done with and there is nothing she can do to change it? it will have already happened.

allnewtaketwo Wed 27-Mar-13 14:39:52

No of course it isn't something someone needs to apologise for - but of course it's more likely it's because he did something dangerous with them than a case of her being bitter and nasty.............

OP it's quite a journey when the ex is hell-bent on being nasty at the expense of the children, and the nrp is scared of rocking the boat. I agree with whoever said he shouldn't be "asking" her whether the children can go anywhere when in his care. He is an equal parent, she doesn't "own" them and therefore it shouldn't be a matter of "asking". In the short time one view to take may be that it's better to keep her on-side, etc etc., but in my experience these occasions set the scene for what it's going to be like in the future. If she's pandered to it's no way for you both to go forward in a serious relationship.

Sammieh86 Wed 27-Mar-13 14:42:32

i really wish it was that simple but then she would most definately stop him from seeing them, she stopped his mother from seeing them as she once picked my partner up from my house and the child was in the car, it came out in conversation 'mommy i picked daddy up today with nanny from his friends house'...but then as soon as she needs them its a different story.....i think some set rules need to be put into place,for the childrens best interests not my partners or his ex even? but how do i put this across without interefering? :S thankyou so much for this feedback just feels good to be able to speak about it all xx

allnewtaketwo Wed 27-Mar-13 14:44:17

"i really wish it was that simple but then she would most definately stop him from seeing them"

Well if it's a choice between putting up with un-reasonable behaviour (potentially indefinitely) or going to court then he should do the latter. It doesn't have to cost a lot if he self-represents.

dignifiedsilence Wed 27-Mar-13 14:49:42

Hi Sammie I've had the same problem you can see my other threads on here. With respect Booyhoo I think the ex knows that stopping her meeting Sammie will delay their plans and therefore she still has control over her ex and what he does with his partner and IMHO that is probably why she is doing it. Whether 7 months is too soon is up to all involved and if the childrens mother was reasonable they could all talk about it together.
How are the kids supposed to adjust to daddys new partner if they are not allowed contact with her? He has moved on with his life and wants to include his children in it and if he is a reasonable sort of guy his ex should let him get on with it. I'm sorry but why should she decide when and who is right for her children to meet? That is an exercise in parental responsibility when daddy has his time with them after all he doesn't monitor his ex to see who is around their children when he doesn't have them.
It sounds to me like she is jealous whether its because he's moved on and she hasn't or whether she still has feelings for him. Either way she is using those kids as a weapon for her own immature reasons. Maybe he should suggest mediation or email a plan of how, when, where he will introduce you and what time scale. If he sets a timescale and schedule of introduction then mediation could be an answer. My OH ex was only putting off the inevitable by making excuses in mediation by saying the child wasn't ready (even though I'd already had regular access with her permission) but we now have her every weekend as OH was prepared to get a contact order.
My relationship is brilliant apart from this 1 issue but it does make you question if its all worth it.
You can inbox me if you want to talk privately xx

Booyhoo Wed 27-Mar-13 14:50:00

"No of course it isn't something someone needs to apologise for - but of course it's more likely it's because he did something dangerous with them than a case of her being bitter and nasty............."

if she is asking him to apologise then clearly it is because she beleives he has done something worth apologising for. forgive me for thinking that might be something wrong as opposed to the very normal thing of a parent asking to have their DC for tea! lose the chip.

if someone asks me to apologise for something i dont automatically assume they are bitter and nasty, i ask them what i have to apologise for.

He has to take it to court then and force her to comply with the court order.

But it IS up to him.

I wouldn't expect to meet my partner's kids 6 months in - isn't the perceived MN wisdom that a year is about right? I certainly wouldn't be living with someone six months in or thinking about it, and especially not if my kids were involved in any way.

I'm sorry if I seem blunt, I don't mean it that way, I just don't really do flowery shit.

allnewtaketwo Wed 27-Mar-13 16:01:51

Booyhoo - you clearly have had less exposure to bitter nasty exes with-holding access than I have. When I hear about an ex ranting about not "letting" her children do x, y or z and asking for random apologies for nothing, I don't assume some other person must be to blame. I also tend to lean on trusting the OP to have accurately described the situation rather than assuming she has left out some vital piece of information about what she/her partner did wrong to cause the situation.

Booyhoo Wed 27-Mar-13 16:17:32

allnew you have read far more into my comment than was ever there.

mumandboys123 Wed 27-Mar-13 16:47:22

the relationship is still a relatively new one. It could well be the case that mum is unhappy with the children getting 'involved' with a girlfriend who may not be permanently on the scene.

Of course, that doesn't mean that mum has the final say on things but it would be worth your partner trying to discuss the issue with her and see what her fears are (if any) so that she can be reassured. Mediation is always worth attempting before threatening court action. Once you're in court, that's the end of any decent relationship that might develop over time between parents.

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