letting the step children we are having a baby

[photographerlady]

Hi there, tomorrows the day we are telling my steps (D10 and S12) that I am 25 weeks and we are expecting a baby this summer (their little sister). As much as I think things will go okay I am just nervous last minute and hope that we approach it right. We have spoken to their mum ahead of time, my DH called and had a long chat just so we aren't having her hear after easter holiday. My DH plans to pick them up take them out to lunch and tell them before heading back to ours for the school holiday.

We have tucked away all the baby things, which were piling up this week, just do not want to have carseats and bags laying about and overwhelm them this week. Any last minute advice you would have?

[photographerlady]

title should be "telling the step..." can you feel my nerves today :)

[colditz]

Don't be too upset if they don't care, or are not interested.

[photographerlady]

no I am more than ok with that as a gut reaction, the fear only comes from them being upset or taking it badly.

[FrauMoose]

They might be an age where the thought of their Dad and stepmum having had sex isn't something they want to think about too much...

My stepchildren were younger -9 and 7 . I imagine that there will be an understandable need for information about any changes that will affect them - will their stays/visits/activities be unchanged. Will their own room/rooms be unchanged. Perhaps it's as well to be honest about what they may perceive as disadvantages - possible crying at night, people being tired etc?

While also outlining the plusses. A new baby will grow up to think they are wonderful, almost grown up etc. Older siblings can really enjoy being able to step back sometimes and play with little kid's toys.

[BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz]

they might sense it coming. my kids asked me if their father would have other children. i said he may well do. made us all sad tho. not having a swipe. it"s just a tough one. obviously my x will be allowed to reduce maintenance if he has new kids. he and his partner will be a unit prioritising their (as yet hypothetical kids) over our kids. we are not a unit obviously. less time for my kids. if the children are as old as your stepkids dont patronise them with lines like "the baby will love you!". in their shoes my kids (same age band roughly) would want reassurances that their father will love them. sod some baby that doesnt exist yet

[BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz]

agree with fruit moose be honest about how it will affect them. dont try and obviously upsell it all.

[willyoulistentome]

Best of luck. I hope they react well. My 3 SKs were about the same age as yours. They were delighted and excited. They cheered actually!!!

[purpleroses]

My DD was 8 and DS 11 when their dad told them he was having a new baby. DD was delighted. DS was a bit more ambivelant, but overall quite happy about it. He was more concerned about practicalities and where it would sleep etc, but was very keen on the idea that he miight in a few years be able to earn some cash babysitting! Do have answers ready for the practical kinds of questions - will it mean no holiday this summer? Where will it sleep? Will they still be able to do x,y,z, etc.

They may well want to know if it's a boy or a girl, and with one of each you could end up with each wanting their own gender, so someone feeling they've "lost" - either now (if you know!) or when it's born.

Nice to hear you've told their mum already. She'll be able to get used to the idea herself and hopefully support them with any concersn they do have.

But overall, I'd have thought they'll be really excited.

[purpleroses]

Sorry - missed that it was a girl - so possible DSS will feel a little like he's already got one younger sister, and now they'll be two of them to outnumber him.... Good to emphasise that his sister is going to be much nearer his age than the new baby's.

[Prettyplease21]

All the best OP
Sorry how you feel Bernadette. My ds always wanted siblings. His stepmum can't have any and we all feel for her after several miscarriages.
Ds makes do with his step siblings and a neighbour we've practically fostered!
Although dh exW made snarky comments that she's glad dh had vasectomy during their sad marriage because her children won't be "upset" now.
Takes all kinds...

[BernadetteRostenkowskiWolowitz]

yes it's for the best that my children dont have to watch their father either be a good father this time around or have an excuse to have less time and money for them. duuno what 'type' that makes me. the type who prioritises hercchildren's feelings over their father's feelings. that type.