Dp is now listening to my concerns regarding dsd2 aged 15 who lives with us.
She's a lovely girl with a nice personality. She's predicted all a/a* for gcse, has friends and a boyfriend at school. all nice people. However, she spends every waking minute being with my ds. She rarely socialises nowadays, doesn't have friends back and has given up any after school activities she used to do. She seems perfectly happy and well adjusted apart from this.
Ds says he finds it odd that she sits next to him the whole time but says he doesn't mind. He says he doesn't really understand why she does it. Ds often has friends over at weekends and she literally sits in between them, only leaving when it's time to go to bed and she's told to.
Ds has an x box and spends his free time playing online with friends. He uses headphones and isn't able to hear much of what is going on around him but she still sits next to him, often for hours on end. She tries to sit and do her homework next to him whilst he's on x box, shouting at the game chatting with his friends.
Her relationship with her older sister is pretty much non existent now too, despite sharing a room when they are both here.
Both girls have a tv in their room but its been out in the floor and unplugged for months, they say they're not interested in having it. They all have smart phones, so can be on Facebook etc in their rooms (which is girls equivalent to x box) but dsd only seems to want to sleep in her room. She's had new furniture and bed linen recently but her room obviously doesn't have much appeal to her.
We have a rule if no "screens" after 8pm so they can get ready for school the next day. Dsd will have her shower when ds has his bath, will make her sandwiches at the same time as ds and sit next to him in the sofa when he's finished.
I also feel ds doesn't out as much effort in with homework as I'd like and I suspect that's because dsd is by his side.
ATM they go to different schools but I know she will want to change to ds school next year for sixth form meaning she can spend all day and all night by ds side. 
Now I know it's good they get on and I could be in here talking about the terrible rows they have but I also know this situation isn't good.
Dp says we need to encourage both children to have different interests etc. personally I feel ds is doing enough after school activities, has friends round every week / visits friends. He has interests and hobbies and yes, he likes the x box.
I would like to implement a your room is your space rule. Ie. ds bedroom isn't the communal room that dsd (and other dsd's treat it as when they're here). I feel this would force the situation a bit. Dp says he will "encourage" dsd to go to friends more but I know she will just make excuses. Dp also seems to think the x box is the problem and is hinting that I should let ds play less and this will help with the problem. It won't, ds would just sit on the PC downstairs instead with dsd by his side as sometimes happens anyway.
It would be a BIG thing if I effectively banned her from his room. All the kids are so used to ds room being communal.
We are moving house soon so I thought it might be a good time to adjust to some new rules.
Any suggestions or comments please?
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Personal space boundaries
theredhen · 25/03/2013 06:43
Yes it's certainly something I've considered and am concerned about. I've often wondered if ds is the reason she chose to move in here.
We were out yesterday and dp realised just how close they are by their behaviour.
I don't know what I'd do if they started a sexual relationship. 
One of us would have to move out.
Sorry bit about sitting with my mum was meant to follow first paragraph 
- idea to do something productive with teen girl mooching.
Dp will take her out but as soon as she's home she's glued to ds again.
I know he will suggest she sees friends and takes up her hobbies again but she will make excuses and he won't push her to do anything. To be honest I'm so glad he's acknowledging this is a problem but I know he will have trouble parenting her and getting things to change.
I suppose it looks obvious to all of you but all dsc have been the same around ds. It's like they treat him as their entertainer.you would have thought an only child would have felt the odd one out in our blended family but they all swarm around ds.
I'm also a bit at dp that he is saying we should be encouraging both kids to do more and the problem is with both of them not just her. We got into a silly argument where I was counting out to him how many times my ds has socialised in the last few weeks compared to how many times dsd has.
I spoke to ds earlier (different school run so I got 5 mins without dsd) and asked how he felt about the possible implementation of the private space bedroom rule and he said he doesn't mind either way.
Spoke with dp about it again just now, he has said he will agree that when we move, they will have to keep out of each others bedrooms. 
I've suggested that dsd helps me with cooking, that dp looks into music lessons for her and he has agreed.
So all good.
But he keeps interjecting it all with "we need to encourage both of them to get out and about".
I'm biting my tongue because I know he feels I'm "picking on" dsd. I'm not, I just want her to have some sort of life without ds. She won't even sit in her own room and paint her nails. She does it in ds room.
I'm probably just pointing out to him that his kids don't have the best self esteem and he knows deep down it's because of the warring between him and his ex. He knows its affected his parenting.
He told me today that he agreed we should ban screen time for several hours during the day during the holidays and said there should be consequences for not living by the rule. In five years I've never known dp to give his kids a consequence. He, on the other hand, has seen me do it with ds many times.
I really feel the issue here isn't that ds is on the x box for a few hours, it's that dsd can't amuse herself at all. if she was mine, I'd be really upset that she is so unable to function without ds. I'd want to help her to grow and flourish as a strong individual. I want all those things for her but it can't be my responsibility alone.
If ds isn't on the x box, he'll be on the PC or watching tv and she'll be by his side. He used to read but I suppose he feels he can't do that anymore.
Your ds sounds lovely and It sounds like she sees him as a form of security or comfort and this could be turning into an infatuation. My DSD (8) is a lot like this, but with me and DP. I wonder if it is a result of her parents messy divorce.
She literally will not do anything by herself. All she wants is to follow DP and I around like a puppy. Whatever we are doing she is next to us. She will only play with her toys or dolls if we watch her. I often tread on her in the kitchen as she gets behind me while I'm trying to cook!!
She is a lovely girl but I find her a bit too intense sometimes and feel a bit suffocated by her so i make excuses to get some space away from her. Like your DH my DP sees the problem but can't won't do anything so I leave him to it. She is very manipulative and wants DP all to herself which is understandable but her older brother can't get near his dad at times which is wrong. 
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Ds does go round to friends but not every night and why should he?
Ds also has friends over and dsd sits in between them, even ones she claims to not like.
She even has a permanent chair in his room, which I keep removing and she keeps putting back.
If ds has a friend round /goes to friends once or twice a week, dsd has done the same about 4 times since the end of the summer holidays last year.
I'm just so angry that I've been saying this is a problem for the last 8 months and dp has poo pooed me. Heaven forbid he stops his kids from doing anything.
What made him take some notice was my ds being "annoying" to and sitting "too close to" dsd on the sofa at a friends yesterday.
I think I'm angrier at myself for not putting my foot down a lot earlier.
redhen You can't fight all your DS battles for him - if he is unhappy/uncomfortable with the attention he is receiving from his DSSis then he really needs to speak up 
He's 15 years old, and while he may be placid, and might feel more awkward 'rejecting' his DSSis than he would a peer at school, it's probably better that you put some boundaries in place, and empower him to deal with the situation himself rather than resolve it for him 
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