What are we doing next dad?

(17 Posts)
allnewtaketwo Fri 22-Mar-13 20:36:16

So DSS17 has arrived as per the rota for his "access" visit. Within 2 minutes of arriving, "what are we doing this weekend dad?". Arrrggghhh it's been the same for 10 years, he just doesn't "get" that it isn't his dads job to lay on 24/7 entertainment during "access" time.

DH is at the end of his tether with it, but doesn't know what else to do. He's tried talking to him, asking him about friends, encouraging activities and outside interests, encouraging him to find a Sat job. But DSS is just not interested in doing anything. At his mums house he does absolutely everything with his mother, and he has no interest in life being any different here. Tomorrow will consist of about an hours homework, and then he literally won't do anything else all day except look bored and ask dad what theyre doing next

Petal02 Fri 22-Mar-13 20:54:45

I feel your pain Allnew. I really wish your DH round tell him there's no point him coming over if he's just going to hang round the house - pipe dream, admittedly, but then you could share my champagne .....

allnewtaketwo Fri 22-Mar-13 21:13:48

I'd settle for some wine but don't even have any of that in!
DH did tell him recently that if he didn't make an effort to do something, that would find him work to do around the house/garden. Will be interesting to see if that actually happens tomorrow.....

theredhen Fri 22-Mar-13 21:20:41

If it makes you feel better my dsd aged nearly 17 on arrival this afternoon said "so what are we doing this weekend". grin

Must be a step child Friday night mantra!

allnewtaketwo Fri 22-Mar-13 21:23:03

Oh dear, not another one!
It makes my teeth itch to hear DSS say it. How do you/your DP react?

theredhen Sat 23-Mar-13 06:35:20

I keep my mouth shut. hmm

Dp offers to take her out and do something (she's being an obnoxious madam recently) and he thinks if he gives her more attention, it will help her.

Recently had big chat about dsd 2 aged 15 and how her social life has dropped to virtually nothing since she moved in with us. He said he would encourage her to have friends over, go out more, but actually I know he likes her not going out because he convinces himself she wants to stay home to be with him. when she lived with mum, she was out all the time. The reality is she spends every available moment with my ds and barely sees dp.

Targetpractice Sat 23-Mar-13 09:15:12

Redhen, my dsd is the same. Out all the time at her mum's, veggies in front of Telly at ours. We've come to the conclusion that she enjoys the relaxed atmosphere at our house, feels no need to escape. My ds is of similar age and they get on well. Dss soon to move in part time.
Dss has always been the one to ask what the plans were, all due to his Disney dad. Have put proverbial foot down and dad now tells him he has to make his own entertainment, study or do homework by himself. Will occasionally take him to cinema, etc. but not on regular basis. This has forced dss to make positive changes and socialize more with peers. Happier all round. And as I've said, wants to move in with us, 50:50 for now.

allnewtaketwo Sat 23-Mar-13 10:41:01

To be fair to DH, he's not the Disney dad. He tells DSS to entertain himself but it falls on deaf ears. I'm making plans to go out this afternoon, it really is the only avenue open to me without going mad

billingtonssugar Mon 25-Mar-13 14:10:27

Just to add another side to this, my own DD says this to me as soon as she enters the house and at the start of every weekend. She is no stranger to being told no, she isn't entertained 24/7 and she is my own child. She lives here 2/3rds of the time so it is her primary home. I wonder if kids just think they have the right to be entertained these days?

billingtonssugar Mon 25-Mar-13 14:14:02

And yes, same here. DSD vegges while she's here and always on the sofa with us (taking up the space of three bloody people so I am squished on to half a cushion or on the floor).

We have decided it's because our place is a sanctuary for her away from the drama of home. I guess it's nice they feel at home.

allnewtaketwo Mon 25-Mar-13 18:30:06

What age is your dd?

allnewtaketwo Mon 25-Mar-13 18:33:28

I had to practically force DSS to do his homework in his bedroom at the weekend because he was determined to do it in the middle of the family room. Such was his determination to maximise the rota'd "access" time that he thought he needed to spend every waking hour with us in the same room. Every waking hour.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 25-Mar-13 22:24:09

allnew You could have a bit of fun with him wink

When i was younger than your DSS, I used to spend some weekends with my then boyfriend and his family; his mum and stepdad openly went back to bed on Sunday afternoons for some 'us' time - perhaps you could introduce a similar tradition with your DP?

On second thoughts, don't; your DSS would probably join you and sit on the end of the bed!!!!!

theredhen Mon 25-Mar-13 22:31:22

I think some kids do have a tendency to not be able to entertain themselves. Add in a step family situation and you get a teenager who plays on the Nrp insecurities and gets entertained as per their natural personality instinct.

In a "normal" family, their inability to not entertain themselves wouldn't be pandered to.

allnewtaketwo Tue 26-Mar-13 06:19:02

HAHA NADM i think DH would like your idea!

DH stopped pandering to DSS's apathy quite a long time ago, hoping that sheer boredom would force him to find something to do. There was actually a news article at the weekend about how good it is to "let" young people get bored as it helps develop creativity. DSS2 is very creative and even my 4 yo will happily play independently when I'm doing something else. With DSS though it doesn't seem to "spark" anything sad

Petal02 Tue 26-Mar-13 12:25:56

Such is DSS’s determination to maximise rota’d access time, that he thought he needed to spend every waking hour with us in the same room

I completely understand this comment, and in particular the frustration it causes. Obviously you want to encourage father/son spending time together, but not in such an intense, artificial way. It’s really suffocating.

rabbitfrommars Wed 27-Mar-13 15:45:42

I worry as DSS is always asking what we're doing, but I get that it's very difficult as he has no friends nearby that he can pop out and visit, he isn't on any social networks (he's 10). If we stop him from watching tv or xbox then he is automatically bored. I would love to find him some kids his age for him to play with/visit while at our house but I have yet to find a suitable outlet (we have him 3 weekends out of 4 but joining any clubs is difficult to justify as I think we would end up missing so many of them (or it would effect our ability to go and see family and friends). I think we're still in the settling in period (we've been doing renovations so the house has been chaos) so I'm hoping that we can find him things he can explore by himself but I do worry that he doesn't have the ability to entertain himself.

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