Bedroom dilemma - WWYD?

(52 Posts)
tinybluemoon Mon 18-Mar-13 09:14:55

So I live in a 3 bedroom house with my DD1(6), DH and our children DTS(2) and DD2(6 weeks). DH has 3 children from a former relationship aged 6,4 and 2 who stay at our house 4 nights a fortnight. We are currently in the middle of building our dream house, with enough bedrooms for all the kids but are at least another 6 months away from moving in, and that's if there are no delays in the building process.

Up into DD2 was born everything was fine, enough room to go around - DTS co-slept with DH and I, DSD1 slept with DD1 in the bedroom downstairs and DSS and DSD 2 shared the double bed in the spare bedroom.

But when DD2 was born we discovered that co-sleeping with them was no longer viable, as she would wake them up numerous times throughout the night and that of course meant two very tired toddlers all day long. So we had no choose but to move them into the spare bedroom.

Now the dilemma has arisen that we no longer seem to have enough room in the house for the DSC. DSD1 can of course still sleep downstairs with DD1, but the younger two no longer have anywhere to sleep sad

I'm not sure what we can do, as we just can't seem to find any solution to the problem, so before we put a stop to overnight visitation into the new house is complete I thought I would ask on here to see if anybody has been in this situation before and if they can offer any advise.

Thanks in advance. smile

Dadthelion Mon 18-Mar-13 14:39:57

I'd sleep in a tent in the back garden if it meant my children had a bed.

I can't imagine saying to my ex I'm not having our children overnight for the next six months.

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 14:51:38

I’d sleep in a tent in the back garden if it meant my children have a bed

There’s the answer then. Everyone one with step children should sleep outside, under canvas. I just wish we’d realised this earlier in the thread. Would have saved us all hours.

Of course her opinion matters, she has every right for the father of her children to take them as usual, why should it be her problem?

ruthie2468 Mon 18-Mar-13 15:34:16

OP - I might have read this wrongly, but does your DH have children of the same age by you and his ex? Is there tension here - from an affair or something which produced kids when he was in a relationship with you or the ex - which may be influencing your feelings on having the SC in your house?

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 15:36:18

I honestly think the OP's problem is a practical one, not a case of not liking the step children. People keep overlooking the fact that they're having a larger house built, to accommodate everyone. Would they be doing this is the OP was trying to get rid of the step children?

Maryz Mon 18-Mar-13 15:42:36

If you don't have them overnight, what message are you sending?

My new baby is more important than you?

His children are 6, 4 and 2 (the same age as your twins?). so he has six children under 6 and you have a 7th, this was never going to be easy.

But stopping them from staying overnight until you have your "dream house" isn't the answer.

I agree with Bob.

Maryz Mon 18-Mar-13 15:43:29

And from a practical point of view, get rid of the double bed in the spare (twins') bedroom and get four narrow mattresses for the next six months.

When your so young 6 months is a very long time.

IneedAgoldenNickname Mon 18-Mar-13 15:55:42

My DC are not allowed to stay at their dads ATM. Firstly because his new gf is pg and had morning sickness, and now because her dd won't tidy her bedroom, so there's not room for the spare beds.

My DC are convinced Daddy loves her DC more than he loves them, and it's horrible. I don't have any suggestions other than those that have been made, but surely one of them will work?

Ineed sad for your dd.

flurp Mon 18-Mar-13 16:09:25

I wondered why they both have 2 yet olds too!?
I would be furious if my ex wouldn't let my dc stay over any more because there wasn't room because of his new wife's kids and a new baby even if it was just for 6 months. That's a long time when you are only little.

IneedAgoldenNickname Mon 18-Mar-13 16:11:38

Thanks dreams
I've got 2 ds' bit didn't make that clear.

QuickLookBusy Mon 18-Mar-13 16:19:56

Agree with Maryz, if you stop overnight visits or even hint at them, you're DSC and their mum, will quite rightly feel very put out.

You've had lots of suggestions , I would take the double bed out of the spare room and make it a "camping room". But a job lot of those sleeping bags which also have a mattress on them or some small camp beds. The kids will love it.

RubyrooUK Mon 18-Mar-13 16:53:46

My advice would be not to stop overnights. Of course it is a real pain and it's great you'll have a new house soon.

But although I am sure it is true that your step children have their rooms at their mum's house, it's really important (in my view obviously, people can disagree) for children with separated parents to feel like they have space at both parents'.

The benefit your children have is that they have their dad living with them full time; your step-kids having two houses to sleep at rather than one does not even begin to compete with that advantage.

That's apparent to everyone in the family - especially a 6 year old. It's not treating your kids badly to squash them in for a few months, it's an investment in good sibling relationships.

I was the child of someone who didn't have a bedroom for me at his house as I had one at my mum's - so what was the need - and I have never forgotten. I hated being in my dad's "spare room" so simply stopped staying as it hurt me too much.

Six months is a long time when you are small too; convincing my two year old to stay away from his mum after six months of no overnights would be hard. Especially if it meant staying at a new house too.

So all in all, I think that although the logistics are hard, I'd sort out smaller mattresses or try to see if you could get small-size bunk beds in or anything to make it work.

You won't give up the "marital bed" <boak> to fit the children of the man you presumably had an affair with, resulting in their dad leaving and not being around all the time?

Aren't you lovely?

Oh, and your other thread asking if overnights are necessary is just like this one. Looking for people to tell you that it's ok to dump his inconvenient children.

Why not ship your children off somewhere when his are there? Then there's plenty of room. But then, you'd be left with no excuses as to why you don't want them.

purpleroses Mon 18-Mar-13 23:16:10

It is possibly to keep up a good relationship between a parent and DCs even when space is very tight. My ex lives in a 1 bed flat with his DW, 1 year old and 2 nights a week our two DCs (9 and 13) live there too. He's hoping for a bigger place from the council but has been waiting over a year now and it may be a while yet. It's not ideal. My DD complains that the baby wakes her at night sometimes, but it is manageable. My DCs both have sleeping platforms built in, with ladders going up to them (the flat has quite high ceilings).

If I was in your position I'd have one room for me, DH and the new baby, put DTs in one room (to be joined by DSC3 when visiting) and your DD in the third room (to be joined by DSC1 and 2 when visiting). That means that there's no wasted space not in use when DSC aren't visiting, but they still have somewhere to sleep.

And if you do have parents, or your DD's dad able to have some of them overnight sometimes, you could try and make use of that to give everyone a bit more space when possible.

expatinscotland Mon 18-Mar-13 23:24:09

So your husband has 2-year-old twins and a 2-year-old with you? This guy's got six kids age 6 and under, and your main focus seems on how you can jetison 3 of them the lousy 4 nights/fortnight they see their dad?

How would you feel if your elder daughter's dad spun the same line to you?

You know he had all these kids when you got involved with him and then chose to pop out a few more in record time with him and then moan about lack of space.

expatinscotland Mon 18-Mar-13 23:26:00

I mean, 2-year-old twins with you and a 2-year-old with his former wife. Someone got around.

hmm

expatinscotland Mon 18-Mar-13 23:37:27

And you started two threads?

SoupDreggon Tue 19-Mar-13 07:27:30

Having looked at the other thread, it seems you don't like your DPs children very much and see them as an imposition. Having the house built is irrelevant if you don't think overnight stays are important.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 19-Mar-13 07:32:04

It won't kill you to give up your bed, stop being so selfish.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 19-Mar-13 07:32:50

And I am also intrigued how your DH has got 3 two year olds by two different women.

brokenbiscuits1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:23:37

I want to know too! I can't imagine having SIX kids under 6 ...

OP you simply cannot stop the overnight contact! It's 4 nights a fortnight for 6 months, hardly the end of the world is it! They are all so small and lets face it little children don't take up much space, even in a single bed, you can easily get 3 kids in a double bed, or get blow up beds as a temporary measure.

I also found the "marital bed" comment unbelievable - you'd not give up your marital bed for anyone.. really? Not even our own children if the didn't have a bed?

ThingummyBob Tue 19-Mar-13 11:34:15

Seems like OP has disappeared hmm

pooka Tue 19-Mar-13 11:48:12

I also find the "martial bed" thing bizarre.

It's not like they'll be using your bedroom permanently. 6 months of once a fortnight disruption is nothing, and it's not as if it has come as a surprise to you. Your step children were overnighting, I assume, before you decided to have another dc.

So - 12 stays until you have more space.

Suck it up.

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