Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

1 2 3 4

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

When you really dislike your DSC's mother and see her traits in them and it affects the way you feel about them?

95 replies

madonnawhore · 15/03/2013 17:34

How do you deal with it?

I feel like a horrible, shitty person.

OP posts:

Report

TobyLerone · 15/03/2013 17:42

This makes you sound like a horrible, shitty person.

Report

whattodoo · 15/03/2013 17:44

Can you make a concerted effort to see the positive traits within them that they've inherited from their father?

Report

madonnawhore · 15/03/2013 17:45

Okay thanks.

OP posts:

Report

ProbablyJustGas · 15/03/2013 17:46

What whattodoo said. IME, once you do that, you will start to notice the dafter traits they've inherited from Dad too.

Report

madonnawhore · 15/03/2013 17:54

DSD's mum is very selfish, self-centred, arrogant and treats DP and DSD like crap if you ask me.

I resent her so much. Every time DP comes home and says 'oh ex is going on holiday/going away/has a lefty to go to so we're having DSD for that week' I feel enraged.

We never get to do stuff like that on our own. DP isn't interested in us going away together or doing anything nice on our own without DSD coming too. Fair enough I guess. But how can her mum not want to do anything with her? I just don't get it.

Honestly, I am finding it so, so hard. I feel so resentful of the imbalance of the situation. I feel like everyone else has a say in the way things are and I don't have any say at all.

How the hell do I pull my shit together? I surely can't be the only person who's ever felt like this? And trust me, I feel BAD.

OP posts:

Report

madonnawhore · 15/03/2013 17:54

Lefty? Party.

OP posts:

Report

madonnawhore · 15/03/2013 18:00

God I know I sound awful. But I'd love it if DSD had been hatched from an egg that had been lovingly tended to by DP and was nothing to do with her mum IYSWIM?

I suppose I hate the fact that the price of having DP and DSD in my life is that I have to have her awful mum in my life by extension. And deal with staggering selfishness on a daily basis.

OP posts:

Report

DreamsTurnToGoldDust · 15/03/2013 18:06

If my dh never done anything nice with me without dss I would feel resentful aswell tbh why doesnt he? but, its not really your dp exs fault that she does nice things but you dont.

My advice, find nice things in your Dsd, theres going to be, shes her own person.

Report

balia · 15/03/2013 18:07

Hmm...I read the title and thought I knew what you meant - DSS's mother has a sort of 'hippy' attitude; calls the police 'pigs'; thinks stealing from shops is fine because it is getting back at the capitalists who steal from the planet ; refuses to work and be 'exploited' - although is bang alongside having a 3 bed house paid for by the state...etc.

I found it very difficult to be calm with DSS in the past when he parroted this sort of belief (or, memorably, tried nicking stuff when out with us).

However, in your case d'you think the resentment is more to do with never going away without DSD, rather than the ex? After all, she's just doing what most people do - sharing the care of the child with the other parent. Could you explain to your DP that you need to do nice things with just him?

Report

TobyLerone · 15/03/2013 18:12

So basically, you're annoyed that your partner's child comes first with him, and your feelings about this are getting wrapped up with your feelings about the child.

Report

Casmama · 15/03/2013 18:19

I think you probably need to walk away from this relationship. You seem to have a lot of negative feelings which are IMO misdirected. Your partner is the one who is showing no interest in meeting your needs

Report

WakeyCakey · 15/03/2013 22:04

I know how you feel OP

DSD's mum gets to go on foreign holidays and do what she wants but the second that we go away for even a day she tells DSD that we have gone because we don't care.
I love my DSD and I have known her mum for years (before I even met DP as awful as that sounds) and I find it hard when DSD acts like her mum, she can be so selfish and spoilt and entitled and I resent her mum for it.

I just have to remind myself that I love DSD and I love DP, I feel enraged sometimes thinking about the fact that I can't initiate anything in our lives without DP's ex being involved in some ridiculous way!

Just try to remember that it isn't your DSD's fault in any way, she didn't get to pick her parents and she had no choice in the fact she can't have her parents together so it's just a case of going a bit easier on her and understanding that she has been brought up like it and that isn't her fault so to try and pick up on her good traits that she has grown into herself

Report

purpleroses · 16/03/2013 11:06

I think the best thing is to try and reduce your hate for DSD's mum. You're seeing in front of you - from DSD - how her personality is forming partly inherited or learned from her mum. So presumably her mum learnt/inherited the same traits - which isn't her fault any more than it's DSD's fault.

Is your DSD's mum still single? If she is she may be finding it hard to do 'family' things with her DD, and feels more of a need to continue a single life. Seems you're maybe feeling angry at DSD's mum because she's enjoying child-free times that your DP doesn't seem to feel the need for (but you, understandably do!). But that's more jealousy, than a reason to hate someone. If you can try to understand why DSD's mum is the way she is - even if you still find her hard to deal with - maybe you'd find it easier to accept some of the same traits in her DD?

Have you tried telling your DP that you want some time away together with just the two of you? Maybe you'd resent his ex less if you managed to get that?

Report

shockers · 16/03/2013 11:29

I don't think calling the OP selfish is particularly constructive. She acknowledges that these feelings aren't appropriate and has come on here for help.

It's understandable that you resent having to work around someone who you don't like, but DSD didn't ask to be in this situation, whereas you took it on as it was. I agree with focusing on her Dad-like traits and the positives you see in her.

If it helps, my DS1 behaved appallingly toward DH when we first got together, but DH Knew he was in it for the long haul, or not at all, so he persevered. DH and I have been together for 16 years now and they have the most wonderful relationship .

Report

wrinklyraisin · 16/03/2013 11:45

My dsd is showing some traits of her mothers, like laziness ("get me a drink" as she lays in the couch watching spongebob, "ummmm no, darling stepdaughter, you have legs, get it yourself" is heard several times a weekend in our house) but we (my OH and I) try to encourage more of her positive traits like her blossoming creativity (she and her cousins write and put on the most amazing funny musical plays!) and have a routine of getting stuff done as a family so there's little time/opportunity for her to display the known traits that we don't enjoy seeing iyswim.

My dsd is growing up so fast, a beautiful and smart young lady is starting to show herself. Her mother, sadly and inexplicably, doesn't see or encourage this at all. So we see it as our responsibility to ensure she gets taught good self care, a healthy diet, lots of fun experiences, mixed in with being part of a family unit that all works together to be a strong and loving and supportive environment to both live in and grow up in. Her dad is awesome, definitely not a Disney Dad. If anything, her mum is the Disney mum despite having residence. She doesn't put any effort into showers, homework, healthy food. Nor does she step away from her laptop long enough to do anything fun or constructive. It's leading to my dsd asking to spend more and more time with us. I get so sad that she doesn't feel good about being with her mum.

Report

shockers · 16/03/2013 11:49

How old is she?

Report

exoticfruits · 16/03/2013 12:05

I should think that it is a very common problem-there are lots of people on here who can't stand their MIL and yet they don't seem to understand that they could produce a mini one!
I would just see them as their own person and don't dwell on the association.

Report

Libby10 · 16/03/2013 12:44

I don't think you are the only one who feels like that. Sometimes the SC do or say things that mirror DP's ex and it sets my teeth on edge every time. All I can say is separate the ex from the SC. Especially when they are young they are bound to parrot what their parents say and do. Remember that what you do and say will also have an influence on their lives and opinions.
DP's ex has never taken the SC on holiday. Sometimes I have resented the fact that we have born the burden but then we have the memories too. As they have got older I think the SC have also appreciated the fact that they have done things with us and that has meant a lot to my DP. Try to focus on your lives and not worry about what his ex gets up to and don't feel bad about how you feel - its what you do that counts and it sounds as if you are doing a great job.

Report

Bonsoir · 16/03/2013 12:55

It is entirely wrong that your DP lets his exW impose her own personal agenda on you. If she wants to go on holiday and for you and your DP to have DSD, she needs to negotiate that with both of you (in practice, with your DP but he must consult you and listen and respect your opinion).

Report

purpleroses · 16/03/2013 14:03

Bonsoir - it's not the ex's duty to consult with the OP. It's her DP's responsibility to consult with her before he agrees to the ex's requests.

Report

Bonsoir · 16/03/2013 15:33

The exW has a duty to consider the agenda of the OP. In practice, as I wrote, that means that the OP's DP needs to take her into account when responding to requests made by the exW.

Report

TobyLerone · 16/03/2013 15:48

I disagree. When the OP decided to be with someone who already had a child, she agreed to have a large amount of her partner's spare time taken up by that child. She makes a choice to go along with it when it happens.

Yes, he ought to discuss plans with her. But it is in no way the XW's responsibility to consider her XH's new partner when they make plans regarding the child. If he agrees to the XW's requests re contact, it's up to him to square it with his new partner.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Email address

You've subscribed!

exoticfruits · 16/03/2013 15:56

I disagree with Toby. If you meet someone with a child you accept that the child is part of them and they will see a lot of the child as a couple and they jointly make plans. I would not be relegated to housekeeper where I have no say over what happens in my own house. The step child becomes part of my family- and my extended family- and any plans have to include me. I am not conveniently staying in a compartment- he needs to square the plans with me first.

Report

Bonsoir · 16/03/2013 15:58

Exactly, exoticfruits. Stepmothers are not housekeepers and enablers for the exW and their DP to share out their children without responsibilities!

Report

exoticfruits · 16/03/2013 16:06

I never became a step mother, but I came close and it irritates me no end that you are expected to be a voiceless, servant in your own home. DP and the exW are supposed to sort it out and you are supposed to say , 'yes sir, no sir, - of course I can do extra meals on Thurs and tell my friends they can't visit- we have no spare room'. You have every right to be in the planning stage.
If I had been a step mother I certainly wasn't staying in a box and I would have been doing things with the DSC without her father sometimes.