Mumsnet Talk

We are estranged from one of DH's (grown up) kids. My husband has supported me throughout because, it was a silly incident which has brought about two years of vitriol. He tries to keep in touch with her but it's mostly ignored.

My problem is this : I've now reached the stage where, when I think of her or worse, see her briefly in town, I feel uncontrollably anxious. My pulse races, my heart's thumping in my chest and I'm incapable of speech. Afterward, I feel exhausted. It's daft. I have a responsible job. I'm not depressed. I have close friends who wouldn't believe this of me (though I haven't told anyone). A month ago, we saw her unexpectedly. She spoke to DH but ignored me which I've become used to. It rarely happens but, having greeted her with a smile and cheery hello since the original incident years ago, I am now totally ignored so I just kind of stand there and try to be "not there" IYKWIM. DH is upset by her behaviour and very disappointed as it's just endless. His other three are lovely with me.

Am I going mad? And if I have this ludicrous reaction, physical reaction to her, how in hell am I ever going to have any relationship with her in future. All I wanted was for us all to get on. DH and I (separately) both had horrendous divorces behind us when we met and we are now so happy, in every other way. I have no idea what to do. And no, I haven't told DH. He thinks the only problem is that hid daughter needs to mature and all will be fine. I think he'd leave me if he knew I was so upset about all this to the point where I'm actually having a stress reaction.

Why can't you speak to your DH about it, if it's that bad you should be able to no, I don't understand what you mean by he'd leave you?

What you're going through is an anxiety attack by the sounds of it.

I think he'd lose all respect for me. Realistically, he wouldn't leave me but I've always been such a strong person. And, I'm always the one peacemaking within the family and am very "together" in lots of ways. My job requires it of me. If I was so emotionally sensitive as to fall apart when there's a difficult situation to deal with, well, I'd be no good in my working life.

DH met me and admired that "togetherness". To say that I'm physically brought to my knees because his daughter simply doesn't like me and refuses to acknowledge me..... He'd just think I was crackers and tell me to get on with it.

I can honestly say, that I have never had a person dislike me for no good reason, before. It's hard. It's gone on for years and its really worn me down.

And, how can I stop it? The anxiety attacks? It is only related to her and its ridiculous.

Hills, have you seen your GP about these attacks? It does sound like anxiety. Maybe you could learn some techniques that might help you in the situations you find yourself in where you meet her and feel this anxiety.

You sound terribly worried about the whole thing. To me, it sounds too as though you're afraid of your DH's reaction - although maybe your fear of how he will react is not how he would really react? I think you should be able to talk to him, perhaps he can help you? If he has supported you this far, why wouldn't he continue to do so? I don't see why he would lose all respect for you.

Maybe your reaction to her would be different if she started being more pleasant to you.

No, not seen GP. I'm sure DH will support me in terms of I've not done anything wrong and her dislike for me is based on the fact that I'm part of her dad's life. I exist. I'm reassured in many ways because as I say, his other kids like me ... Have no reason whatsoever, to dislike me. But neither does she.

He says she's welcome to visit us whenever she wishes but at Christmas would only come over if she could be assured, I was out. God knows what would've happened had I come home early. I had to drive around in my car and then text dh to check she'd gone so as not to cause offence by my being a partof it. I've never known anything like it. We've been married 4 years but went out for 4 years before that. I did not move in before we were married....took it all very slowly to be sure we were doing the right thing.

maybe some counselling would help? life can throw this kind of thing at us, regardless of our family situations. You literally can't win 'em all and possibly the issue is finding a way to live with it and accept it.

I used to feel the way you describe if I came within a 100 metres of my ex. He doesn't bother me now. Took some time and acceptance to deal with it.

Thanks. Tried some counselling but it didn't help in that the "symptoms" remained and because its so....physical I cannot eat into a "mind over matter" state about it.

I would never have believed this simple argument which should realky have been resolved and moved beyond, has now brought me to this. I have been treated badly and DH agrees and yet, I have to tune out when I hear the latest lie/bulletin about me and I'm not given the opportunity to defend myself.

Sorry...typos