Anyone have the patience to read this again and advise? (two years on!!)

(28 Posts)
MaryMaryOnTheContrary Thu 07-Mar-13 09:14:56

I posted the information/situation below in June last year. The problem was already 12 months old, even then Nothing has changed....

DH has continued to try to keep the communication channels open with estranged youngest daughter. It's been pretty much one sided. He has seen his dd twice in the past year though we have both seen his elder two as much as you can when they live away and are working and busy.

This Xmas just gone he invited his 3 over on Christmas Eve. I said it would be nice for him just to have a meal with his "kids" without any tension so, I'd do a bit of last minute shopping, with a friend. I didn't want their first "together" meet in 18 months to be tense. When youngest SD knew I wouldn't be there at the house (she asked the question of her siblings) she said yes, she'd come over.

Christmas Eve..... I went out. DH prepared food. Kids came. At first mention of my name, dh saying it was a shame we couldn't just all get on and be together, youngest daughter walked out. So, second year running, everyone's upset. I came home and was sad to find that even with me gone (I'd had a lovely time!) I'd caused upset. His eldest daughter said later that her and youngest had rowed because she'd decided to come round again on Boxing Day to see me as she was sorry shed missed me. Youngest SD saw even this as a betrayal. I get on well with two of them, by the way.

A few weeks ago, we were picking up eldest (24) to go for lunch. We saw youngest SD there (we had no idea she was home) and said hello. She only acknowledged her dad (I was sat next to him) and walked off. DH was upset but also something new..... Really angry with her. He wanted to discuss it but I said that wouldn't be fair on eldest and might spoil her lunch with us.

We've heard nothing since. It goes on and on and on. I feel a bit like poor old Richard III.... I've been given a withered arm and crook back (metaphorically speaking) since the original disagreement, 2 years ago. The situation SD has caused is becoming irrevocable. I was apparently very sneaky and quite cruel to her, when no one was looking shock It would be funny if it weren't so unjust and hurtful. I have no idea how she wants this to end but so much time has elapsed and so much has been inferred about me, that I cannot imagine any time, in the future, where I can be in the same room with her.

Anyone?

Original Post June 2012

"History.
Remarried 3 yrs ago. Went out for 4 yrs prior. Was nothing to do with dh's divorce....his ex had affair. He left. Get on well with two of dh's kids. They're 24 and 22. Youngest is 18. Always been resentful of me but we dh and I, worked hard to help her, made allowances, tried.

Last year, we had to tackle her over two issues which were not negotiable. Dh and I have remained true to our "issue" whilst trying to maintain contact and reassure her, that she's still loved/welcome etc.

It's coming up on 11 months now. Sd is adamant that SHE WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH DAD BECAUSE OF ME. Dh supports me, as he knows she just dislikes me and I've done nothing, ever, to warrant this.

He misses her, obviously. He's said he won't do "separate" contact ie, "I'll meet with you dad, but she can't come/mustn't be mentioned". This is what sd wants. I'm now at the stage where, I don't want to be a part of this bad feeling/unreasonable control by his daughter. But, he says, if he agrees to only EVER see her with her stipulated guarantee that she doesn't have to be reminded of my existence then, she has "won".

I'm sick to death of it.

It's a mess. What would you do?"

elliebellys Fri 08-Mar-13 20:27:53

sorry missed its not your fault.oops

MaryMaryOnTheContrary Fri 08-Mar-13 21:13:54

She seems, by all accounts and by appearances to be very happy in herself. It is quite simply I think, dad has two more people in his life where once it was just his 3 kids. I try to hang onto the fact that that I am only here because his ex wife had a 2 year affair which he inadvertently discovered and she refused to give up her new man.

Years later, she wanted DH back. He'd moved on. It's hard but that's the reality.

MaryMaryOnTheContrary Sat 09-Mar-13 11:23:29

MaryRose I've read your necklace post today. I feel really sad for you though I'm not sure what you can do about it. Someone suggested a replacement if the company still have your print record on file. It's a nasty thing to do, to say SD (and ex)have it and will return it and then it's vanished, into thin air. It's NOT the same but, when DH and I were "going out" it was a long distance thing because I lived 90 miles away. We'd often send cards to each other ... Not over the top lovey-dovey stuff, just a couple of lines on a nice card. I'd always receive his but, mine to him would "go missing, in the post". It happened so frequently, I knew someone was getting rid of them. He and I joked that the post lady had a crush on him and was sabotaging our relationship so she could have him, all to herself! We both knew this wasn't true. I now believe, though would never say, that his youngest SD was removing them from his stack of mail. My hand writing and postmark on the envelope was unmistakeable. I know I sound like a crazy woman but all I know is, it happened too frequently over time, to be simply lost in the post.

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