Mumsnet Talk

Hi,

I'm looking for a bit of advice please.

I have a 17 year old stepson. Me and his dad have a daughter who is 4 month old.

My parents have invited me, OH and Sophia on holiday in June abroad. They have offered to pay.

My parents have never met my stepson and my OH isn't close to my parents and doesn't really make an effort with them.

Anyway my OH is expecting his son to come along, without asking my parents first. I have suggested to my OH that it would be best if the 4 of us do something together in august or if he wants to just OH and his son go away if they would rather do man stuff with stepson being 17.

Anyway this has gone down like a lead balloon and it isn't good enough, he wants his son to come away with my parents. This is a villa in the middle of nowhere, he won't have a TV, Internet etc. He is moody at the best of times (like your average teenager really) and I don't see why my parents should have to holiday with a sulky, bored and moody teenager they have never met.

Am I in the wrong here?

Thanks

I totally agree with you, it'll be a complete nightmare! Whatever is your OH thinking?

Can you not explain to DP that this is your parents holiday, not something you have planned, and were kind enough to extend the invitation to you. As it is their holiday, why would you bring along a step child they have never even met? It's a bit rude. Regardless of his relationship to you and DP, it's your parents holiday and I'm sure having a stranger there would be totally awkward.

Any way stepson would back you up and say he wouldn't want to be stuck in middle of nowhere with strangers he's never met??

It sounds like a nightmare for the teenager- I can't see why he would want to come. However I think that it is very sad that your parents haven't met him and don't realise that you are a family of 4- I feel sorry for him being a second class to his sister. When you got DH you got his DS - he didn't come alone.

I would say the best thing is to discuss it with your step son- I bet he doesn't want to go. I would however introduce him to your parents and let them get to know each other - surely they will have to come across each other?

Wouldn't imagine your DSS would be very keen on the idea it either! Does he live with you full time? If so, I think you probably do need either to include him or make alternative arrangements of something he'll enjoy - staying with a friend, holiday camp, or even his own grandparents.

If not, then surely he can stay with his mum whilst you go away. Then maybe try and do a long weekend or something as a family of 5 doing something he'll enjoy and/or the dad-son thing you suggest.

If he doesn't live with you full time, then I think you DP is wrong to just assume he will come, but I also think your parents should have broached the issue of whether he might, or whether your DP would want holiday without him before booking something and just assuming you'll come without him.

Sorry - meant family of 4 - can't count

Maybe OH doesn't want to go- if he and your parents don't have a good relationship it is difficult to have a fun holiday. Perhaps rethink the whole thing.

It all seems poor communication. Odd of your parents not to think of him before booking. I agree with purpleroses. If I was OH I would want my DCs treated equally and the older one at least considered before things were decided.

I don't think any child needs 4 sets of grandparents. I don't get it. There's no real reason for the OPs patents to get to know the OPs SC in a situation where his own father isn't even close to them

Presumably the SC has and has had the opportunity to do things with his own maternal grandparents over the years. I don't think it's wrong if the OPs child is left out if these opportunities either

Sorry, but think you are in the wrong, I think you need to offer DSS the opportunity to come or it will feel like he's being immediately replaced by your new baby and that's really sad. My DSS spends 50% of his time with us and were due to have a baby this month, we've already discussed that DSS will be invited everywhere we take dbaby.

Really ratbag, even to other little children's parties, soft play, petting farms, play dates, etc?

There is no way that I would let my DH2's family treat my eldest DS differently from my younger ones. I wouldn't have had children with him if he hadn't even got to meet the family. OP and her OH have 2DCs and yet only one is invited on holiday - it appears that DD is family and her brother is a visitor. I would admit that he would most likely not want to go on holiday with them at that age but he ought to be considered when arrangements are made.

17yr old still want their parents and not to feel pushed out. Does OP really know him? Does she do anything alone with him? Does she just assume that he is older, will be off her hands soon and not part of the family?

You've taken a huge leap there exotic, the OP is talking purely about a one off holiday that her parents have arranged

Parents who have never even met part of her family- have never even considered him and OH is supposed to be happy that one of his DCs is favoured over the other.

It sounds like a huge lack of communication- sorry OP I think I am being overly critical as I see you have suggested a family holiday in addition. Personally I would chat to DSS on my own- I can't see that he would want to go.

I don't understand why your parents have never met DSS. You have a 4mo so presumably have been with DP for at least a year. What is your relationship with DSS like? How do you think he would feel about the hlliday?

I agree with exoticfruits.

I don't think the Stepson would want to go but I think it is awful that the OPs parents haven't met a member of their extended family.

Do the parents actually see DH though on anything but an occasional basis?

I would maybe go with DD and then have a family holiday with all of you.

tell your partner that if hes not happy about it, then he doesnt have to come either.

Its not up to your parents to pay for the 17 year old and your dp is being ungrateful and unreasonable.

And what when DSS is 18, 20, 22. Should DH still not come because his adult child isn't invited?

Sorry, all knew, I meant holidays, big family stuff etc, but he'll yes if he's at ours and were going to the petting zoo he might want to come. My DSS is14 now, me and DH have started a savings thing at work, because I always said when baby is around six I am taking them on a once in a lifetime trip to Lapland, the four day do everything exclusive affair. We've budgeted to take DSS, he will be 20 then, he may not want to come but we are making sure if he wants to then yes he can come.