Well, she's 21 and I think you should treat her as you would anyone else, a friend or a relative.
Would you put up with this from anyone else, what would you say to them?
I've had similar experiences with my grown up ex step kids. In the end, I just decided not to be nasty but to back off and let them come to me and DS. They haven't really bothered but I see it as their loss. I'm polite but I don't bother with birthday cards anymore and the only real communication I have is via facebook.
Occasionally I might see them, but I don't fit my life around them that's for sure.
Personally I would txt her from time to time, say hello n ask how she is but let her make the effort to suggest a meet up. If she doesn't show, just continue with the texts but don't agree to meet next time unless she confirms she will Defo show up. Don't apply pressure or anger. Just say its disappointing she can't make the appointments as u love her and care for her and would enjoy some girlie time together.
so my DSD is nearly 21. was with her father from her age 13 ish to 19ish. We're generally on good terms although we have very different views on life and we havent been as close as I'd have liked. she's also been very detatched with my two (her half siblings).
she has had a very terrible relationship with my ex, her DF and we have talked through it a great deal. plus since we split we've had some good discussions, she understands the situation between her DF and me more than anyone, knowing him so well and having watched him behave the same with lots of previous girlfriends.
BUT probably half of the times we're supposed to meet, she just doesnt show- alarm, phone issues etc. today she was meant to come round but never turned up. very annoying because i put off other plans and ended up just stuck at home.
I dont know if she's being thoughtless or if something else going on. Wondering how to react. Last time she did this I sent a messages saying that it is annoying because i have other plans and she apologised. Tbh it's not like she's a teenager anymore, she's an adult, though still going through some bad things I think with her father.
Also she NEVER buys presents for me or the babies? really annoys me!