ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
so DSD's Mum is off on her holiday but(158 Posts)
She wants her on Mothers day which is also DHs 40th birthday. Her mum is going on a 2 week trip to the Caribbean the following day with her boyfriend so wont see dsd for 3 weeks. She has now asked to have dsd on mothers day as 'she'll miss her so much'. I am fuming, I have planned a lovely family day which celebrates both dhs big birthday and mothers day with in laws.
Dsd said she isnt really interested in spending time with her mum as she has been feeling pushed out by the new bf. I know I might be ranty and unreasonable but if she's going to miss her so much then why not go in the holidays and take her too?
Rant over, thanks for reading.
My DP has an older daughter, I have never taken on a mothering role towards her as she already has a mother of her own, and I have my own children to mother.
I am only upset that her mother is making her so unhappy by putting her relationship first. Dsd emails us almost every day she is with her mum complaining that she is being excluded. Being asked to leave rooms when they are together, being ignored when she tries to talk to them, being sent to her room so her mum and bf can talk alone. They have been together for a year so not a brand new problem.
I have absolutely no issue with dsd mum having a new relationship, why would I? I do have an issue with a little girl we love feeling that she isn't important to her mum.
Im a step mum and your being ridiculous, her mum wants to spend Mothers day with her daughter, thats totally natural. Of course shes feeling a little vunerable with the new bf just ss she would if it were the other way around. Dss always spends mothers day with his mum, as it should be.
Your DSD is in many ways very lucky having three people arguing over who has her for one day of the year. A lot of children will never have that, and it shows that you, her father and mother obviously very much love her.
That aside - I would heavily encourage her to spend the day with her mother. Encouraging otherwise simply drives a bigger rift between her and her mum, which I'm sure you don't want. Perhaps your DH could have a chat with his ex, discussing how DSD feels about the boyfriend? Perhaps you and DH could help her to get something nice for Mum, support her through the issues with the boyfriend etc as opposed to (inadvertently, perhaps) making it worse?
If thats the case then your dh needs to communicate that to dsd mum.
how can you be sure that your DSD's interpretation of what is going on with mum and boyfriend is the 'true' one? is she being sent to her room so they get her out of the way or has she been naughty? is she asked to go and get something with an expectation that she returns but she goes upstairs and emails dad instead? I am not suggesting she is lying, but rather if you were mum and boyfriend, you would be seeing things differently?
I would also say that children who are only children struggle with loneliness without really realising it (I know I did) but often find things to do to occupy themselves 'cos there is nothing else to do (again, I know I did!). If the child is used to living in mum's pocket and now mum has some adult company (which would be the case if she were living with mum and dad) she is of course going to feel 'pushed out'. But that doesn't mean she is actually being pushed out or neglected in some way. And ultimately, different families have different ways of bringing up children - just 'cos you wouldn't send her to her room to play on her own doesn't mean it is wrong or that plenty of other families don't do it.
Tbh, I'm not sure it's inappropriate for a child to realise that adults need space to be able to have a conversation, or that they should sometimes be doing something other than hanging around adults in the house. On the face of it, what the girl is complaining about doesn't seem an actual problem. But I bet she gets plenty of sympathy and attention from you and her father when she moans about it
DSS (17) is not an only child but hangs around when DH are having a private conversation, has no concept of personal space and is incapable of entertaining himself. No doubt he feels put out when/if DH tells him to find something else to do, just like your DSD does.
I totally understand where you're coming from OP. You have a big family celebration planned and your DSD wants to be there. It is disappointing for all of you but I don't see what you can do about it.
I am at the bitterness on this thread though.
I'm a SM but have told the OP she is being unreasonable. What reason would I have to be "bitter" when I am a fellow SM?
If DSDs mum has previously said NO to DSD being with her father on Fathers Day, then frankly DSDs mum made her own bed and can lie in it.
If she wants her daughter with her on Mothering Sunday (which is perfectly reasonable and acceptable) then she she should allow the father of her child the same. She cannot dictate the rules and not stick to them herself.
We make no fuss at all for Mother's Day but I would be upset if a child was missing her Dad's 40th birthday party which is a date that everyone (including her mother) must have seen coming. I think you should share her, however.
Did you and your dh not put YOUR relationship first when you chose to pursue a relationship when you both had dcs already? Im assuming the dcs didnt get much of a say in whether they wanted to be part of a step family.
Your dsd's mother may be being a bit selfish but its up to you to support your dsd through this difficult period. You will not do that by undermining or bad mouthing her mother.
So mum goes on holiday for three weeks and leaves her daughter but then seems to think she has the right to have dd on Mother's Day which is also her dads 40th birthday?
Well, I'd agree that the day should be split in two if possible, if not, then I think dsd should be with you bearing in mind she won't allow dsd to come to you on Father's Day.
Of course, how you make that happen if ex isn't accommodating I'm not sure. You're ok to be a babysitter while she goes on holiday but not when it doesn't suit her.
This becomes a battle between parents and is not about the child in the end because it escalates to something else.
If you have to explain to dsd that she is spending the day at mums, do remember to tell dsd that she is very much wanted at yours but mum is insisting she goes to hers because mum wants her. If you don't point out the bleeding obvious to kids, the other parent can soon twist things so that the child thinks you didn't want her.
This is not AIBU. And I never called you bitter Allnew, if you identify with my post then perhaps you are bitter. I don't see what being a SM yourself has to do with it. Are you saying that SMs can't be bitter?
I can see the OPs pov:
Special bday arranged on w/end when DSD with them. If the connection of it being Mother's Day is made, it is probably dismissed as precendent set by DSD's mum re Father's Day not being a reason for swopping w/ends etc.
But now (if this is a recent request) DSD's mum is requesting to see DSD which upsets the plans, is having an impact on DSD etc.
But I agree with the general sentiment that DSD shouldn't be made to choose. Assuming the 40th can be rearranged, can it be? Or have 2 parts to it, so DSD can join in the first bit?
And this should be the point where it is agreed going forward that Mother's Day and Father's Day are spent with the relevant parent even if it isn't "their" weekend.
And as a single mum I was offered a two week holiday to the Caribbean without my ds when he was younger. I refused because I didn't want to leave my ds for that long. If you miss your child you don't leave them for three weeks.
I get the feeling that when Dsds mum says jump - they are all expected to.
Dsds mum says no to fathers day, but now expects mothers day. That isn't fair. As margo says, use this to clarify future arrangements.
I wonder if she consulted dad/you about the holiday or if she just booked it expecting you would just do as told?
A large family party for a 40th birthday party is just as important as Mother's Day IMO. It is such a shame however that dsd is about to not see her mum for the three weeks immediately afterwards. I'm assuming that your DH' ex wife knows his birthday, have you explained that you've made fairly big plans.
Also, there was a year that DH didn't have his children for Father's Day, for similar reasons & we had fathers Saturday instead. Maybe suggest that?
Tbh it's no different than Christmases etc, step families simply have to make these compromises. All sides of the family.
Good luck getting it sorted.
who goes on holiday for a fortnight without their 9yo?
she sounds very selfish
it is perfectly reasonable for you to make plans for time when you have DSD which include DSD
it's not reasonable of her mother to assume that your plans aren't important and be cancelled when she feels like it
would you normally have DSD for that length of time or are you enabling the mother to go on holiday?
if that's the case then I think she has a massive cheek!
If she's going on a 2 week trip, why won't she see her daughter for 3 weeks?
I would be encouraging a relationship between mother and daughter, as the daughter needs it, you can't fill the mother void. I say this as a step mother myself.
how is spending 3 weeks with her dad classed as babysitting.ffs,there are thousands of dads out there that would kill to have thattime with their kids.why is it also wrong for her mum to have a holiday?.would anyone bat an eyelid if the dad did it.it isn,t a flippin crime.
who said anything about babysitting?
and actually if the dad was going on holiday meaning that he wouldn't see dd for 3 weeks, I would say that is unreasonale too?
Ellie - then obviously mum will be happy for her daughter to spend time with her dad on his fortieth birthday then?
Op and her dp aren't babysitting but his ex is treating them as such. Ok for dd to spend weeks on end with dad when it suits her and her only.
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