so DSD's Mum is off on her holiday but

(158 Posts)

She wants her on Mothers day which is also DHs 40th birthday. Her mum is going on a 2 week trip to the Caribbean the following day with her boyfriend so wont see dsd for 3 weeks. She has now asked to have dsd on mothers day as 'she'll miss her so much'. I am fuming, I have planned a lovely family day which celebrates both dhs big birthday and mothers day with in laws.

Dsd said she isnt really interested in spending time with her mum as she has been feeling pushed out by the new bf. I know I might be ranty and unreasonable but if she's going to miss her so much then why not go in the holidays and take her too?

Rant over, thanks for reading.

MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 17:16:32

Are your children going to be with you on Mother's Day?

mumandboys123 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:16:39

9? jeez, it gets worse....have you actually been asking a 9 year old whether or not she wants to see mum or dad on Mother's Day? do you know what sort of message that gives - that mum isn't worth bothering with, that dad is more important...surely if boyfriend is getting in the way a bit, it would have been sensible to encourage DSD to spend time with mum on Mother's Day with a bit of a 'won't it be lovely, you can get her a nice present...' behind it?!

seriously, what is wrong with you?!

It has happened most years that fathers day has landed on a weekend when dsd is with her mum. Dh has been told that it makes no difference, ots her weekend. Why should mothers day be any different?

The point is surely that both celebrations are "adults days" dsd I guess would like to celebrate both events. I'm pretty surprised that mothers day is thought to be so sacred.

allnewtaketwo Sun 24-Feb-13 17:18:33

Your mothers day? You're not her mother. What difference does it make to your mothers day whether or not you step daughter is there????

mumandboys123 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:18:55

And what about MY mothers day then? If dhs 40th is not considered important? Should her mothers day trump mine? Not that it works like this in our house but aside from dsd I have 2 dds and dh and I have a ds.

you're not suggesting that DSD should be part of her step mum's family on Mother's Day as a matter of priority over her biological mum? Particularly as biological mum is very much in the child's life?

notallytuts Sun 24-Feb-13 17:19:49

she isnt being unreasonable but neither are you.

My family has never made a huge deal of mothers day and big birthdays happen every ten years whereas Mothers day is every year. Dsd has said she would rather be with you.. surely as she is old enough to express a preference it should be her choice!

MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 17:19:59

Look, she's a 9 year old, she's not going to see her mum for 3 weeks - just let her have Mother's Day with her own mother without heaping any guilt on her.

mumandboys123 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:20:28

It has happened most years that fathers day has landed on a weekend when dsd is with her mum. Dh has been told that it makes no difference, ots her weekend. Why should mothers day be any different?

if that's the case, then I guess you can say 'no'. But then you're in tit for tat again...at least this way, your DH can demand to have his daughter on Father's Day or is he not that bothered?

No, we didnt ask her. We explained her mum had emailed asking if she could have her. Dsd responded before we could suggest anything that she could send the time with her bf as she was taking him on holiday. She is utterly miserable because it would seem her mum is putting herself and bf first yet again. We cant and more to the point wont force her.

WizardofOs Sun 24-Feb-13 17:21:11

Did dsd feel pushed out when you took up with her Dad then? Is it only her mum who is not allowed a new partner? Also she is not your daughter so her presence on mother's day should not make much a difference as long as your kids are there surely?

I wondered the same as allnewtaketwo - could you explain that part...

Actually it makes a huge difference to me. We dont have step or half anything in our house, we are a family. If dsd is missing it is just as hard for me as one of my biological children.

We have joint residency and dh works ft, until I started uni I did all school runs and caring for dsd along with the other dc. I appreciate I am not her mother but she feels like my daughter.

MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 17:26:32

It sounds like you are pretty pleased that your step-daughter is unhappy about her mum's new boyfriend - instead of trying to encourage her relationship with her mum you are desperate for her to choose you so you can play happy families hmm

That is vile Maja. Dsd's happiness is the most important thing by a mile. It is making dh and I miserable that she is.so unhappy. Search my previous posts if you dont believe me.

mumandboys123 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:29:33

moving away from the thread before I say something I regret...

Cluffyfunt Sun 24-Feb-13 17:29:48

It is lovely that you aim to treat all dc the same.
You should understand how dsds actual mother feels about mothers day if that is the case.

MajaBiene Sun 24-Feb-13 17:31:48

That is how your posts come across.

You want her on Mother's Day, to be part of your family and not her mum's. You don't want to encourage her to see her mum.

I have no doubt that it was difficult to begin with for dsd as it was for my dds when we first met. We did our best to include all the girls and make them our focus when we had them. Also they were much younger so we were fortunate that they were far more accepting than they might be now.

allnewtaketwo Sun 24-Feb-13 17:33:47

You are a step family, whether you like to call it that or not. And you feeling any sort of ownership over mothers day just because you consider yourself as "family" is very wrong

melodyangel Sun 24-Feb-13 17:34:46

Can't you compromise? Maybe see goes to her mum's in the morning and then to you DH party in the afternoon?

It's a nuisance when you have to change your plans but I'm sure your DSD would love to see her mum on mother's day plus she will really appreciate you putting her before everything else especially if she is feeling 'pushed out' at the moment.

So are any of you step mothers?

mumandboys123 Sun 24-Feb-13 17:35:18

but she's not your daughter...she is some other woman's daughter and her relationship with her mum is important...you are undermining that relationship by giving DSD a choice in how she spends Mother's Day. She shouldn't have a choice - not at 9 - she should be with her mum. You need to take a step back, see the bigger picture and be the bigger person.

And whatever you say, you are incredibly jealous/angry/upset that this woman is doing what you did - moving into a new relationship which makes her happy. Given a bit of time, she will find the balance between the relationship and her child. So rather than try and take advantage of that by pulling the child towards you and your DH away from mum, acknowledge that she has a right to a positive relationship with both her parents and that both her parents - and step parents/ new partners - need to play a role in encouraging and ensuring that happens.

Xalla Sun 24-Feb-13 17:35:33

I'd agree for Mum to have her on Mother's Day and get an agreement out of Mum at the same time that in future, DSD spends every Father's Day with her Dad and every Mother's Day with her Mum. Why on Earth is that not in place anyway?

Hulababy Sun 24-Feb-13 17:35:50

Poor DSD; mum going away and leaving her for 3 weeks sad I can see why she would be upset and miserable about that tbh! I'm not surprised; I imagine most 9y would be devasted at mum going off on a fab long haul holiday and leaving her behind. So, I can see why you are feeling defensive for your poor DSD too.

Looks like her mum isn't flexible with your DH, her DD's dad either.

But - for the sake of good relations between your DSD and her mum, which does need to be encouraged wherever possible - I would be the bigger person. DSD spends Mothers Day with her mum (make sure mum knows that DH expects Fathers day with his DD too at the same time BTW) and celebrate the birthday in the 3 weeks you will have her FT.

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