Finally cracked with Disney dad and his goody goody son

(189 Posts)
quest12 Tue 19-Feb-13 22:42:09

My husband and I have a dd aged 7 we also have his son my stepson over regularly, now since she was toddling around he has tormented her made her cry but been sly about it as in he does it when we're not in the room then denies it, so I turned detective an started leaving the room but listening in so I cud make sure what my dd was telling me was right, and it was - however if I tell him off he takes his sons side and results in a 3 way argument with dss eventually saying if I'm taking dds side then he's not coming down anymore so my hubby begs me to relent and I do to keep the peace.

However yesterday we were at the local swimming pool me and hubby taking turns to go in steam room, as I'm coming out and hubs is going in I seen him elbow her in the head on purpose - she screamed crying and he stood there laughing in her face, then he looked up seen me and said "we were playing catch and cause she couldn't catch the ball she's crying" now I've been calm for 6 years but I exploded calling him a liar and evil for laughing in her face, hubby seen this an came out took dss to one side then came back saying "we're going now you've just told him off for nothing and he's upset now" in the car on way to drop dss off I told him what I'd seen and dd told her dad what happened but he lied and hubby believes him.

I've told him I'm putting up with it no longer and he says I can't tell dss off as he will stop visiting, but to me the happiness and stability of my dd is most important. I think it's an extreme case of Disney dad and I've had enuf he now thinks he can do what he likes as his dad will always take his side. What can I do ban him from coming? Or leave my hubby?

theredhen Fri 12-Apr-13 16:50:26

Dignified, I also really like the link! grin

dignifiedsilence Sat 13-Apr-13 12:51:55

Thanks redhen smile If you go to it there are loads of others that are similar too xx

quest12 Fri 03-May-13 20:24:31

Ok quick update and views if you can spare your time. Diss still won't come down has told dh he never wants to see me again. Ok so dh has been seeing him alone but as he can't come here he has to take him out all day so Disney dad is back! Every wkend since they've been the funfair, the beach, amusements, etc. then when dh returns and dd asks what he's been doing and he tells her he says if you want to see your brother you can come too - just your mum can't come as her and your brother have fallen out! He has promised a trip the zoo this wkend and suddenly I'm realising if she goes then she is left with Disney dad and me not there to protect her! If diss is horrible to her I know dh will tell her not to tell me and so diss is free to do as he wants, what should I do? Shows the old adage of keep your kids friends close and their tormenting older step brother closer really is true!
HELP!!!!!!!!!

quest12 Fri 03-May-13 20:28:16

Oh and she doesn't like how she is treated by diss but dad making everything sound rosy like the zoo day is going to be perfect in fact I think diss will be worse with her as I'm not there!

NotaDisneyMum Fri 03-May-13 21:00:35

quest Take a deep breath and read what you have just written.

You do not trust your DP, the father of your DD, to protect her from harm because the threat comes from your DSS. Can you see how absolutely unacceptable that situation is?

Please, please consider carefully the long term future of this relationship. Your DP is your DDs dad, but it is clear that he places one of his DCs far higher in his priorities than the other. How long before your DD begins to realise that she is 'Daddys second best'? Do you really want her to grow up seeing you support his position?

allnewtaketwo Fri 03-May-13 21:45:43

What a difficult situation though. Even if OP and DP split up, that means that more so than ever, DD will be exposed to bullying from the DSS while with her father, and OP would have even less control sad

quest12 Fri 03-May-13 22:10:48

Nada I know in my spouse language the only thing I can say is that my head is wrecked, he's trying to please dss again cause he is saying he misses dd but she has told me she likes it better that he's not coming down but don't tell daddy as hel be upset, he's trying to bribe her into coming out by promising nice days which make her forget what mite happen as she's thinking about going out. But what should I do forbid her to go and look bad? If we split up it wud be my worse nightmare as I would have no control, she already thinks daddy is nicer to dss but he says to her that's because I don't see him as much as u, oh my god what can I do? Where is petal with her good advice!!!!!!!

Petal02 Sat 04-May-13 11:35:23

This is a hideous situation. Firstly, by DSS refusing to come to the house, the OP's DH is doing the completely wrong thing by 'rewarding' this behaviour with trips to the beach etc. Not to mention that it's totally at odds with creating a blended family. So yet again, DSS is calling the shots, just in a different way this time. I really wish the DH would have the balls to tell DSS that if he wishes to spend time with his Dad, then it can't always be in a 'treat' environment; but I expect the DH is too Disney and too scared of losing contact, to do this.

This alone is completely untenable, but as the OP also has to consider the welfare of her daughter, I'm at a loss to know what to suggest. Of the course the daughter is going to want to join in zoo trips etc, but it's just terrible that the DH can't be trusted to protect her from DSS.

I would also be considering the implications of staying with a man who can't can't be relied on to protect his own little girl, (and I think that alone is terrible - aren't Dad's supposed to look after their daughters???). However I completely take the point that if the OP split up with her DH, she's then have to deal with sending this poor little girl away on access weekends, when she'd have no one to protect her. Although I do wonder how bothered the DH would be about seeing his daughter in the event of a split, He doesn't seem to care very much about her.

This is one of the most toxic situations I've read about on these boards; a man who is so Disney towards his son, that he let's his small daughter suffer. OP, in your position I would not despatch your daughter to join in with days out, because you can't guaranteed her welfare.

And have you asked your DH how long he expects this will continue, another month, another year - does he honestly think he can conduct a relationship with his son in isolation to the rest of the family?

Petal02 Sat 04-May-13 12:45:19

Of course, ideally your DH should tell his son that its time to get back to normal now, that this has gone on for long enough, and that all subsequent visits will take place at your home, and that DD is not to be picked on.

Is there any chance at all of that happening?

I wouldn't put my pets in a situation where I thought they'd be mistreated, let alone a 7 yr old girl.

DoctorAnge Sat 04-May-13 13:09:17

What a terrible situation.
OP he is an awful father. You don't trust your little girl with him and I dOnt blame you!

Footface Sat 04-May-13 17:27:40

Wow op, how awful for you. Fwiw you did the right thing in not apologising to a 14 year old who pushed a 7 year old, regardless of relationship.

You dh is to blame, and unfortunalty ss is the product of this. The whole I want my own way or else. My ss ( older now) could be like this and if he was told no he would just disappear sometimes for days. In my opinion to manipulate the next situation to go his way. His mum sounds similar to your ss aswell.

I honestly can't see a way forward for you unless your dh realises that he is first and foremost a dad not ss best friend.

The only bit of advice I can give is rather than say you are prioritising your dd over ss you could say you are putting both children first. After all its in ss best interests to have boundaries and guidance. It might just sound better to your dh

catsmother Sat 04-May-13 20:43:46

Everything that Petal's said - in both her posts. Your DH is being completely unfair - to both kids actually, albeit in different ways - and placing you in an impossible position. Under the circumstances - and until he's able to look at his son's behaviour objectively - I wouldn't be happy either about placing my 7 year old in a position where the possibility of being bullied would be brushed under the carpet by her own father - and worse, the victim would then apparently be told not to tell her own mother about it !!

As I suggested before, is there any possibility he'd agree to couples or family counselling ? I'm just thinking that while it's currently easy for him to dismiss your feelings and fears surrounding the situation as cliched "wicked stepmother" stuff - in order that he doesn't have to face the unpleasant reality of discipling his (spoilt brat) son, it would be a lot lot harder for him to persist in refusing to face up to the truth, and to face up to his responsibilities to do what's best for both children if a third party challenged him to explain why he acts the way he does and asked him to justify how it's somehow okay to ignore a 7 year old being picked on by a 14 year old in order to "keep the peace". Someone needs to lay it on a plate for him and effectively ask what the hell he's playing at - though obviously in rather more tactful terms than that. Obviously, if he feels he's behaving in the "right" here he's at total liberty to explain why but I can't think how anyone could justify his behaviour and attitude and I expect a skilled counsellor would call him on that, keep asking questions and so on, until maybe, hopefully, he really would be forced to be honest with himself and what damage he's doing to his daughter by consistently favouring his son.

Until this was sorted I'd not want her going anywhere without me - or at least with her dad when SS is also there. I'd be taking her out on special days myself to allay her understandable jealousy of the special days out her brother's enjoying.

I also think it's wrong that yor DH should be encouraging a split in the family which consists of her, SS and him against you (should she go with them). It's bad enough already that it's him and his son as a separate entity but should she go along too he's giving her the message that you are somehow in the wrong, and that it's okay for you to be dismissed and left out - on the say so of a 14 year old brat ! Him saying that you can't come out because you and SS have fallen out effectively says that you're the guilty party in the falling out - after all, brat SS gets rewarded with special trips etc while "naughty" (in effect) mummy gets "punished" by not being allowed to come. How effing disrespectful to you that is - another issue which would need to be challenged and discussed at counselling.

I wish I could meet him and slap him for you.

Petal02 Sat 04-May-13 21:15:47

Superb post Catsmother. Quest, you've not posted in 24 hours, can you come back and let us know you're ok?

Catsmother is usually the gold standard in sensible advice, and she's absolutely right about couples counselling. I don't know what else to suggest.

Petal02 Tue 07-May-13 09:15:05

OP - can you come back and update us?

quest12 Tue 07-May-13 22:37:09

Hi girls sorry for the delay, I didn't let her go the weekend but took her somewhere nice myself but dh was telling her what a good time him and dss had an she was saying I had a nice time too with mummy then he rang dss and told him to tell her wot a nice time they had she was drawing and didn't want to get on phone he practically forced her, when she told him again but I had a nice time with mummy he said oh do you want to make me an your brother cry by not coming out with us? I know he's 14 and you mite think it irrational but as its gone on mostly on the sly by him I know he will only want her to come out with him and his dad so he can upset her then deny all knowledge to dh and accuse her of being a moaner and ruining their day so he looks like an angel, I know he's still a kid but they can be manipulative

quest12 Tue 07-May-13 22:40:59

Oh and I forgot to say girls all of you thank you so much for all your advice and support if I had only dh I would think I was the evil east person on the planet thanks for making me see I'm right in protecting my daughter xxxxxxxxxxxx

catsmother Wed 08-May-13 03:53:27

I'm sorry to say it but I think the way DH is pressuring and in effect emotionally blackmailing your daughter is really bad. I just don't get his insistence on ramming it home that he and DSS have had such a great time - it's as if he's making her choose sides because it's clear he wants to "get" her out with them. Why ? ...... my gut feeling is that he wants to "prove" there's nothing wrong with DSS's behaviour and attitude, because then of course he doesn't have to tackle it. If DD goes out with them he'll probably turn round to you and say "see, there isn't a problem, she wouldn't be out with us if there was". Attempting to make a 7 year old feel guilty by saying she'd make them both "cry" is ridiculous and appalling - horribly manipulative and very very unfair. As if a 14 year old and a grown man would be crying anyway. But very wrong to put that level of guilt on the shoulders of such a young child.

I still think counselling is vital in a last attempt to try and thrash this out and get DH to take a good long hard look at himself. He's failed to protect DD from his son and is now trying to put her back into a position where if she was bullied again he'd almost certainly do nothing about it. I really don't know what else to suggest ..... sorry. But DH isn't helping matters AT ALL and there's no way on earth he should be putting pressure on DD the way he is.

allnewtaketwo Wed 08-May-13 09:20:19

Do you know what I thought reading your last post? Your DH himself sounds like a horrible nasty bully. No wonder he doesn't see anything wrong with his DS behaviour. I really think you need to take a step back and think about the future, as it sounds really bleak sad

Celticcat Wed 08-May-13 14:40:31

All new, I agree, wanted to point this out myself but felt I was projecting too much of my own situation...
Have to say that counseling is working for us, or should I better say it is working for me because my situation has improved. Dh has to examine his motives, his control issues, and yes, his bullying.
OP, when I'm cross with the dsc I have learned to step back and question dh behaviour and how he's contributing, and nine times out of ten ive got to admit its parental behavior at the root of,the problem.

Mindyourownbusiness Thu 09-May-13 10:58:47

I would say ok we will come with you next week. No fucking way would l allow a 13yr old boy dictate where l can or cannot go with my own family.
Sorry but this is just making me so angry.

catsmother Thu 09-May-13 11:23:40

Yes, agree with MYOB - if your DH wants his daughter to come along so desparately then you BOTH go. If SS doesn't like that - tough - he'll have to get used to it or not see his dad ..... and if it's the second, I can't somehow see that happening, so you'd go back to the square one of him and DH going out just the two of them.

I think you also need to tell your DH to shut the up with pressuring DD and rubbing it in by telling her what a fantastic time they've had. There's just no need for it - he can easily brush off questions from a child that age without going into detail. If he's insistent on seeing his son on his own then that's the least he can do - otherwise, as I think I said before, his whole approach ATM seems very much like you're being cast as the villain of the piece while SS gets treated to all sorts of nice things as a result of something which started off when he deliberately and spitefully got physical with his much younger sister.

Of course, what your DH should be doing is trying to get SS back into a normal contact routine by coming to your house (even though I appreciate you probably aren't that keen on seeing him). If SS refuses to come over then while I understand his dad still wants to see him he certainly shouldn't benefit any more than he'd normally do - so if "big" and/or expensive trips and/or activities aren't the norm DH should just take him to the local park, walk round the shops, go for a walk elsewhere, go to a free museum - or whatever - but there's no way this boy should be allowed to come to the conclusion that he's being rewarded for refusing to come to the house - a) by getting his dad all to himself (which is okay some of the time but not all the time) and b) getting special stuff laid on just for him, which kind of implies that he had no responsibility for what kicked this off. If your DH were prepared to do that and make this "outside" contact as mundane as possible maybe SS would soon get bored and suddenly normal contact wouldn't seem so bad after all. In addition, DH should also be making it clear to SS that refusing to come to his house is very rude and disrespectful, that although he loves him he has two children now who are equally deserving of his attention and that he (SS) shouldn't under any circumstances be getting physical with a much younger child - any grievances he has towards her should be brought to DH.

Having written all that however I have a nasty feeling that your DH wouldn't be up for that sort of approach at all. Especially the last sentence I wrote. I still think counselling would be worth a try or else where does this end ? But if nothing else, if DH remains insistent on doing the whole Disney thing with a boy who far from deserves it he should at least protect DD from it and not have her feel that she's missing out - or causing "upset" (FFS). If he won't do that for his daughter then I really think there's no hope - after all he's failed to protect her physically - now he seems not to be protecting her emotionally as well.

catsmother Thu 09-May-13 11:28:25

* shut the f**k up*

quest12 Tue 04-Jun-13 00:27:52

Ok so dh has been seeing dss alone since the fall out and my dh is a much happier child since he hasn't been visiting which even my dh has commented on. However dss seems bored by seeing only dh and wants to go home much earlier than he wud if he was here, so last wkend dh come home and said dss was distraught he hasn't seen dd an that whether she liked it or not she was seeing dss this wkend, she told him no and he said tough shit he's your brother, I told him in no uncertain terms that we are not all here to please dss and that she won't be going, he has told me he's leaving Friday and as he wants his contact to be with dd on a sat he will be picking her up the next day to take her out with dss. I know he doesn't want to leave problem is dss used to be with us overnight and whole of next day when my dh would sleep in and let me take them both swimming then when we got back he would make brekkie then go back to bed for a few hours so he's not used to being alone with dss can't really hold a conversation or even appear interested in anything anyone has to say so now dss wants to stay with him for 1 hour max before he's bored. He's had it easy I've entertained his son at the cost of my dd for years and now he's hoping that by taking my dd along against her will he will convince him to stay out for longer, and let me tell you he will but only at the expense of him making my dd look like a moaner and crier in front of dad when hw torments her. I'm not sure of my legal rights but I've told him that if he leaves he is fine to see her but not with dss I will go to court and fight if I need to that she is not subjected to more of his behaviour, would I have a leg to stand on so to speak?

deleted203 Tue 04-Jun-13 00:49:38

Don't let him take her. Tell him that if he chooses to leave on Friday he is welcome to. But he will not be dictating when and where he has contact with DD in this way. Tell him that you have major concerns about his parenting ability and that he is welcome to come and visit her in her own home, at a time convenient to you. Mention that you will be raising the issue of her safety with Social Services if he insists he is taking her out of the house.

Then go and see a solicitor.

Good luck.

quest12 Tue 04-Jun-13 00:56:45

Thanks sowornout I was thinking the same I was so worried bout dd but not about him leaving if that's his choice I deserve better, I know he's not the type to be investigating anything so I told him that if he took dd to see dss when she didn't want to go that it would jeopardise him seeing her if I explained to the court about the damaging way dss behaved, I would never in a million years be one of those mums who stopped contact but if dd was not happy when he was forcing her to see dss would there be anything I could do?

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