How do you deal with 'Backchat' from DSC

(12 Posts)
likesnowflakesinanocean Tue 21-May-13 14:06:24

the same as i would from ds, take away time on.electricals or with elder sc send to room. if i stepped back they wouldnt get anything done as dp isnt as organised as megrin but in all seriousness its my home and i wont be treated badly, like a previous poster said stepparents do a hell of a lot and i do expect some recognition in terms of being treated with respect from ds and sc. doesnt always happen but its what we aim for

This has been interesting to read, as I have been getting a lot of this from dss. He will openly admit he wouldn't talk to any other adult in rudely, but apparently it's ok to shout/backchat/scream in my face.

I've had to step back at the moment. I've been told I'm too harsh, and that I have it in for him hmm but at the same time my 3 dc, who can behave in situations where dss acts up, are beginning to imitate his behaviour, and ask why is he so rude to you?

It's exhausting, and quite miserable. Dp's pretty good usually, but at the mo he's snowed under at work and distant. It's hard work to keep myself from disliking the child instead of the behaviour, I guess because the bond that is there with your own insulates one a little.

And yet I feel quite sorry for dss, his mum doesn't seem bothered about him much, when he's there he is an only who is preferred to not be seen or heard; her method of getting him to behave is bribery. We have the odd situation of both boys are now doing their spellings, my ds because he wants to see if his class teacher will fall off her chair in shock if he gets full marks, and dss because he's been promised a freeview box for the tv in his bedroom.

<mutters mantra> <he's just a kid be gentle, it's tough having 2 homes and 2 very different sets of rules>

brdgrl Wed 16-Jan-13 19:57:50

Yep. House rules, and agreement that either party (you or your DP) will enforce them.
I find it tough to deal directly with bad behaviour by my DSCs (older than yours - teens), but I am trying to do more of it, as stepping back and 'tattling' to DH and then leaving him to sort it out, just doesn't work, and actually has created more problems - I wish I had just been more direct in the first place (4 years on now...).
I did always take the view (and still do!) that rudeness and disrespect aimed directly at me were mine to deal with immediately - I wouldn't tolerate backtalk from my nephews or children I babysat or from a child in the street, so why would I from my partner's child?

Same as i would if ds was rude to me or backchatted. One reminder not to speak to or look at me like that then they would lose out on something usually some time on the stairs or off of electrical stuff. None of this getting dp to deal with the behaviour i am very much of the my house my rules camp. Never used to be but it has to be as i found when it was that way everything fell to pieces

Xalla Tue 15-Jan-13 13:37:15

Ugh I'm getting this from my DSD7 atm too. She also does it with my DH and we both send her straight to the naughty step where she sits quietly flinging indignant looks at us!
I think she's starting to get the hint that we won't tolerate it. Frankly I'm indifferent to whether her Mum tolerates it or not. My house; my rules. The Stepmother's Mantra...
I agree with UC Ray - you and DP need to agree the house rules and jointly enforce them consistently and equally for all the kids who spend time under your roof.

UC Tue 15-Jan-13 11:20:55

hi Ray,

It is difficult if you have different ideas on parenting like you seem to. My DP and I have different ideas on some things, and he did once tell me to chill out too - however, the difference between our DPs it seems is that my DP backed me up in front of the children, and only told me later, when we were alone together, that he thought I'd over reacted (which I totally had!!!!). That's how it should be. If he doesn't back you up in front of them, then you are not a united team, you are not working together, and anything you try to do is undermined. So in my situation, although we disagreed and debated it between ourselves, our DCs didn't see that (and we both have DCs living together in a step situation).

If you and DP can agree on joint house rules, then you both need to enforce them. And they need to be enforced for all children, not just some of them.

Ray75 Mon 14-Jan-13 16:45:22

Sadly we have very different parenting views on what Manners and respect children should have at age appropriate points sad He is happy for me to tell them off however my issue is that it has little affect from me, like with other house rules that are important to me such as manners at the table, he says he's happy for me to tell them off for eating with mouth open etc but we go over the same thing every meal time, because they see it as 'My' rule not his. I have asked him to raise it so they know it's his rule too but it rarely happens.
If DP does step up it usually has more lasting affect, such as DSD (7) until recently would bite DSS when not getting her way, i pointed out this was completley unacceptable from a 7 year old and i would not appreciate her biting my DS, i had told her off several times for it but she would re offend, until one day it happened when i was out and DP punished her...low and behold we have not had an incident since....

flurp Mon 14-Jan-13 16:30:23

Picky your DH told YOU to chill out!!!
That is disgusting. confused
Regarding the backchat you should be able to tell them off. Would you let a stranger / work colleague speak to you like shit? No. So why should a child get away with it. Your DH should be teaching his dc proper manners and respect.

PickyPants40 Mon 14-Jan-13 15:53:31

I feel your pain OP - My DSS is 13 and beginning to really test the boundaries. He has a smartarse response to everything and a really snotty attitude problem, my DH never stands up to it and lets DSS get away with murder. Last time I intervened when DSS was cheeking DH, my DH told ME to chill out.... so now I try and ignore them both when DSS starts up with the attitude, although I find this very hard. We've been together for 5 years and I have never known DH punish DSS for anything. Last time he threw an epic tantrum in a shop because we wouldn't let him buy a massive pack of crisps, and yet somehow, he ended up getting sweets and fizzy drinks that DH paid for!!!!

I think the problem stems from my very different upbringing to DHs - DH was spoilt rotten by his mum when growing up but (thankfully) doesn't expect the same from me. However he does EVERYTHING for DSS when he is with us, and DSS does nothing around the house except play on his X-Box live (all day) and moan if we take him out of the house. It's the age old guilt of divorced Dad and I am the wicked Step-Mum.

I try and step back from it - take myself into another room, walk off, take lots of deep breaths, bite my tongue and drink lots of wine counting the minutes down to 18.30 on a Sunday night....

EMS23 Mon 14-Jan-13 15:46:00

How old are the DSC's and how bad is what they're saying? My DSS is 9yo and he is mildly rude but is being like that with DH at the moment too.
I say 'don't speak to me like that' very firmly.
On Xmas day he was rude to my dad so I took my IPad off him and made him apologise but I rarely take actual action.

My DSS also hates us telling each other on him. Do you tell DP when he's been rude to you to be dealt with there and then? Not that he should have to step in for you but if DSC knows they won't get away with it, that might help curb it a bit IYSWIM.

NatashaBee Mon 14-Jan-13 15:38:12

Your partner needs to step up and deal with it - or agree that you can sanction the kids accordingly if they are rude. You both need to agree on acceptable punishments and that you will hand them out if necessary - preferably the same way as you would punish your son that that there can't be any arguments about unfair treatment.

Ray75 Mon 14-Jan-13 15:30:48

I just wondered how others deal with this, I seem to be getting a lot more of it in recent months (always out of DP's ear shot) Its starting to wear me down.
I know all kids do it, my DS does at time but i dont feel intimidated when he does cause i can just pull him down a peg as I choose.
Im feeling very tied of the SM status que right now, all the graft and shit of being a parent but not allowed any input to behaviour/boundaries etc - Im feeling like SM should stand for glorified skivvy sad
I do talk to DP and he makes all the right noises but with very little actually changing. B. I also feel like a tell tale if i keep on 'she said this, he said that'

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