Walk away or help?? Long

(11 Posts)
canyou Mon 07-Jan-13 19:55:06

Background I was with EX-DP for 10 yrs, he has 2 DC from previous marriage, we have 1 bio DD and special guardianship 4 DC, ex-DP had a one night stand which resulted in another DC. Ex DP and I split but have come to a good place of communication and we are working well re parenting,
I know his exact earnings and out goings, He pays ex wife £250 per week [£50 per child, £100 to exwife and £50 arrears through mistake in court order] He pays £50 per week for DC from affair leaving him with £120, his rent is £80 per week. so for everything else he has £40, So I receive nothing.
Last thur I paid with his money the other mothers [bank lodgement] I bought him some groceries [with my cash] and he has our DC in my hse when I work [food and heat and normality]
SO today DSD 18 yro arrived from college at my hse asking could she stay for dinner I said of course [she has a key] after dinner she asked to talk to me and told me that her DMum had said she received no money and would not give her cash for college. DSD has no money for food etc [£ 10.87 is all she has] she said her Ddad also refused her money I have given her food for tomorrow and said I will talk to her then.
I have spoken to DP he has no cash to give her, I know this is true, he has had a go at ex wife as she has an educational fund for DSC but it appears she has spent it and even if he had cash he would not hand it over as the cash should be there. Problem is I have an 18 yro DSD crying and with out food/cash.
WWYD give her cash I could stretch to £50 but also DSD works 2 nights a week but spends it on nights getting drunk but I cannot see her hungry surely after 10 yrs of family I should still step up and parent as I used to or do I step back
I am worried and confused
Thank you if you have got this far through the saga

theredhen Mon 07-Jan-13 22:59:46

Sounds like dsd has her parents sense of responsibility towards herself. In other words, her parents are seeing her go without food and she is putting herself in that situation by drinking her earnings and then expecting you to help!

I think if you start this, it will get worse and worse and at some point you will say enoughs enough and all hell will break loose with everyone blaming you rather than taking responsibility themselves.

canyou Mon 07-Jan-13 23:07:28

Thank you, I am afraid of being the go to money handover point, I have put together a food basket from my cupboard, basic cheap but healthy so that should get her through or as I am near the college she can join us/her DDAD when he has the DC here. I feel guilty not handing over the money as I have adequate To feed house and pay the bills and save £20 a week . I have watched her grow into a lovely young women and helped parent her for 10 yrs but where does my responsibility end? confused

flurp Tue 08-Jan-13 10:47:03

I think you are in danger of being taken for a mug here.
You are doing much more than a lot of people would in your situation and sometimes people take advantage of a kind nature and the more you do for them the less they are inclined to do for themselves.
You sound lovely and they are lucky to have you.

surely his support to these kids needs to be reassesed? why should you get nothing?
I think the food ha,mper was a great idea and if you can help out like that then whats i would do.

Muchadoaboutnuthing Thu 10-Jan-13 18:19:36

iI also think the food hamper is a great idea. She doesn't appear to have any sense when it comes to money if she spends her earnings on nights out so I would be reluctant to hand her cash. I also agree with the above poster in that its unfair that you are receiving nothing for your own dc from your ex.

AllChanges Thu 10-Jan-13 19:59:25

£1000 per month to his ex wife and nothing to you sounds very wrong. Surely that should be assessed by CSA? Why does he pay her £100 per week on top of money for kids?

canyou Thu 10-Jan-13 23:40:07

Thanks guys,
The money to his exwife is a court order from the divorce, so he needs to go back to court for an adjustment but he also needs a statement of means so he needs to show all monies in and out and that will take about a month I am helping him with that,
I own our home out right well my name on deeds and mortgage and I still to a large degree sort his finances [he is military and away a lot and we trust each other on that level] When home we are doing 50/50 so that will sort of negate paying me but a record of owing me arrears will be put into the statement of needs now because you all seem to think that is unfair. If he gave me cash he would be in negative funds before he had the basics now part of me wonders would that be better [except the military cannot be in debt/go bankrupt so he may lose his job] It is so hard to know what to do tbh.
Re DSD she was here for dinner most of the week I have told her I cannot afford to pay her bus fare home this weekend but I have managed to get her work in a friends bar for two nights at the weekend so at least next week she will have cash, Also I have warned her not to tell her Mum who minuses DSD's earnings from the cash she must give her from the educational grant every week. Mean and wrong well yes but ex P worked long and hard and extra jobs to provide that acc and just because it was spent on other things better hols, presents etc does not mean DSD is not entitled to it
Tks for reading the rant

NatashaBee Fri 11-Jan-13 00:10:37

I think your stepdaughter is taking you for a mug. She probably has more money than you do if she can afford to go drinking. If you want to help her then food parcels rather than money is definitely the way forward, I guess.

honeyandlemon Sun 10-Feb-13 11:33:47

I think you sound very caring. If Dsd is now 18 your exh could now pay her direct I think so ensuring she has the money but costing him the same.

Viviennemary Sun 10-Feb-13 19:09:22

I think your ex partner must go back to court and re-negotiate his payments. Because quite obviously he is at starvation level already. I think the mother of his daughter must take the responsibility for her financial welfare. As money is being paid to her for this purpose. I think you did the right thing giving her food and not money.

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