had enough of dss mums demands !! give us a break !!!!!

(31 Posts)
steppyhen Mon 31-Dec-12 13:04:07

had enough, feel like throwing the towel in.

dh and i have had dss since fri morning due to go back at 10 am this morning. dh exp then rang to say she was going out could we have dss for the night, dh agreed but said she would have to pick him up at 10 am as we have plans.
well this was not got enough she says she will get him when she is ready to get him?! dh is agreeing to this because he would rather dss was with us for as long as poss anyways ... furious cannot explain it!!! am i being selfish ? we are due to get dss back on wednesday to saturday! feel like a bloody babysitter jumping to her needs and demands at all time !! someone give me some words of wisdom because i am sick of this ! we have a life too!

And your dss is part of that life.

MrsMcEnroe Mon 31-Dec-12 13:11:40

Is this a one-off, or do situations like this arise frequently?

steppyhen Mon 31-Dec-12 13:12:19

yes i know just needed to have a rant !! just means we have to miss our plans till she can be bothered to come get him! awell at least il save some pennies !tbh hed be better just staying as he will be back at ours the next day at 8am.

steppyhen Mon 31-Dec-12 13:14:37

they arise almost evry other weekend !the routine is wed to sat morning 10 am, then the following week its fri till mon, then back to wed to sat! she always kicks off about getting him at 10 on the saturday morning! this aint even the half of it!!

Petal02 Mon 31-Dec-12 14:31:16

Ah Steppy, I feel your pain! Increasing access by 'stealth' is all too common. Your situation sounds like ours used to be - the ex wants as much free time as possible whilst still claiming maintenance as though she has 75% care, DH wants as much access as possible and is also scared to rock the boat. Leaving the poor step mother watching her child-free time slipping away and not being able to do anything about it!

DH used to have access on alternate weekends, plus every Wednesday night. However an access weekend used to start at 4pm Thursday - yet to everyone else, a weekend is Sat-Sun, only on Planet Access does a weekend begin on Thursday! And of course on bank holiday weekends, the weekend extended til Monday, so DSS's stay would be nearly 5 days in total, which by my calculations is almost a whole week. And of course he'd be back on the Wednesday for his mid-week night, leaving me with only Tuesday for respite.

I don't have any words of wisdom; like you, I was outnumbered - but i want you to know that some of us definitely understand your frustration.

The ex really didn't care what was happening with here son during access, just so long as DH removed him from her house.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Mon 31-Dec-12 19:35:09

You feel bad but seriously how do you think he feels when his
Own mother dosent. Want him.

NotLongUntilXmas Mon 31-Dec-12 19:40:23

Gold is absolutely right.

steppyhen Mon 31-Dec-12 19:45:11

wakeup- i know i would walk to the end of the world for him, but i will never be his mum , i feel awful for having a rant but feel like i have no one to talk too. was awful today she rang and asked to speak to dss and he just didnt want to speak to her, the other week she come to pick him up and he clung round my leg screaming he didnt want to go , talk about awkward. any given chance he is blown off, maybe he is starting to relise, its awful wine sad

ArkadyRose Mon 31-Dec-12 19:54:37

You knew when you got involved with your DH that DSS came as part of the deal. That means you have to accept that you are not actually child-free any more. How are you going to feel if custody ends up going fulltime to DH?

Petal02 Mon 31-Dec-12 20:05:46

Steppy, do not apologise for offloading, that's what this site is for.

And as for the comment "you knew what you were getting into" - actually, I beg to differ. I don't think any of us knew quite how tough step parenting could be at times.

steppyhen Mon 31-Dec-12 20:15:51

thats what i want ! im not complaining that i have a dss , im complaining at the fact she thinks its ok to do as she pleases when she has a child i didnt come on here to get slated! i am a good step mum and put my whole soul in helping his dad raise his son just wish she would meet us half wayou n ot! for example the plan for xmas was we have dss from 6pm xmas eve to 5 on xmas day she was gonna pick him up then have xmas day for him on boxing day. she then text a week before xmas asking if she could get dss at 3 then drop him off again on boxing day so she could go out all day cos shes entitled to a night out? im probs just being stupid !i think things just have been getting on top of me ! things are normally ok all year round nothing major happens so have nothing to twine about ! last year on xmas day we were due to get dss on xmas day at 3 pm she turned up at 5, then hit my dh whilst holding his ds in the face and carried on hitting him, i then went to grab dss who was screaming and took him into the house, she ten followed me in and i calmed her down for her to then call the police on us!so ofcourse the police turned up and questioned my husband and as he had done nothing wrong their was nothing to be done as she admitted to asulting him! so this time of the year is stressing for me as i worry about last whats happened in past. very unpredictable..

steppyhen Mon 31-Dec-12 20:19:24

thanks petal - i thought i knew what i was getting into ,nothing can prepare you for step parenting ! would not change dh or dss for the world but its so god dam hard sometimes and sometimes just need a bloody good rant !none of my friends are in same situation so they dont understand!

allnewtaketwo Mon 31-Dec-12 20:23:40

I see many threads where a mother is peed off because ex has changed pick up times, interrupting her child free time. I've never once seen anyone respond with the "you knew what you were getting into" when you had children

lagoonhaze Mon 31-Dec-12 20:26:08

You get f* all sympathy on mumsnet - really pisses me off how non step parents come on and slate you. Did you not know you arent allowed to ever make plans on your non contact days. You must be on call constantly to the other parents whims and demands and if you moan you are a shit parent.

steppyhen Mon 31-Dec-12 20:27:53

all new - exactly were always made out to be the evil party in everything!

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Mon 31-Dec-12 20:34:00

I'm not a step parent but this would piss me off no end. I knew what I was getting into when I had kids but if I'm expecting a childfree day and I don't get it because the person who is looking after the dcs can't then I am disappointed. If that person was the dcs other parent and wasn't looking after the dcs when they had agreed to just because of contrariness then I would be furious. When you factor in the increase contact by stealth/don't decrease maintainence aspect then I would be apoplectic.

steppyhen Mon 31-Dec-12 20:42:19

it really grates me ! she gets csa for having him a night more then us a week yet half the time hes either at ours dh mum or dh brother. i wouldnt care would pay her the csa and have him full time when i knew he would not be passed about and was wanted but once you take the money out of the question it is a whole different game!! al probably get slated for that remark!

EMS23 Tue 01-Jan-13 07:44:29

YANBU and 'knowing what you were getting into' has sod all to do with it, what utter tripe those replies are! As someone else said, it's a parenting issue and if you've organised to do something without your kids because you had childcare arranged, you've every right to be annoyed when your childcare gets cancelled.

My DSS's mum and DH get on great, we have a lovely set up with shared care etc.. But she has a tendency to do things like this and mostly it's fine but once in a while its not convenient and it does annoy us. Also, she likes to make a point of saying he is at her house more than at ours but actually, in reality, we have 50/50 care but she won't recognise it. I don't even think it's a money thing, I think she just can't reconcile being a good mum to her DS with not having him the majority of the time. Of course, that's rubbish, she's a fab mum, DH is a fab Dad and that doesn't hinge on where DSS 'lives' most of the time.

Unfortunately, unless your DH wants to stand up to her, this will go on happening.

RandomMess Tue 01-Jan-13 07:55:14

Is it worth trying to pre-empt her? Week or 2 beforehand offer to have dss extra on x and y night but tell her you've prior arrangements for a and b so can't have him then? It would at least give you some control back.

prettyfly1 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:04:57

Now see if I went over to lone parents and when one commented "I am tired and struggling ex never helps" and commented "you knew what you were getting into" I would QUITE RIGHTLY be ripped to shreds. Honest to god that drives me mental. OP this is unfair but the responsibility is not with her it is with your dp - you need to set your boundaries in place, you are not free childcare and it is not acceptable to abuse your role as such so say no. It doesnt make you a bad person, you are not the childs mother and it isnt fair that his biological parents can treat you as unpaid help.

Petal02 Wed 02-Jan-13 16:03:34

Prettyfly, you're absolutely right that boundaries should be in place, but unless the OP's DP is prepared to create and uphold those boundaries, the OP has very little power. And that's one of the most stressful parts of being a SM; being at the mercy of a spiteful ex and a partner who's too weak to stand up to her. If the ex insists she's not accepting the child back til later, the man doesn't argue - so I don't know what you can do other than detach??

planeticketplease Wed 02-Jan-13 20:13:37

I too am sick of non step parents coming on here and making unhelpful and harsh comments to people who are asking for support. We step parents come on here because generally we have nowhere else to turn, and in order to continue parenting well, and with love, we need to feel understood and less isolated. Give us a break please. OP, I too hate having my days without dsc altered as my free time is generally planned for and it is my only time alone with my dd. It makes me feel taken for granted and emotionally worn out. I also struggle with the undercurrent of emotional blackmail DP (perhaps unknowingly?) uses so I don't feel I can complain. Sadly I have no words of wisdom but there are some of us who understand exactly why you are pissed off and would like to actually be supportive.

izzyhasanewchangeling Wed 02-Jan-13 23:33:16

Its easier to have them full time than be pissed about all the time

Jux Thu 03-Jan-13 20:19:17

Can you keep a record of when you have him, when it's arranged for you to have him and when arrangements are changed and who by. Perhaps you could then get some legal advice based on what's actually happening. (Not a stepmum, not a legal bod, but anyone can see that this isn't right or fair to anyone.)

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