Bedrooms at mums

(110 Posts)
Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 11:55:18

DH and his EX are not on speaking terms all communication via sols. Contact issue just about resolved but now DH feels he has one battle to fight on behalf of his son and that is the bedroom situation. DSS11 lives with his mum and half siblings, and has to share a bedroom with his sister (my DH ex DSD) who is 15. Their brother who is 18 (my DH ex DSS) has his own room. 18 year old has quit college not making much effort to find a job and is still at home coming home at whatever AM after drinking with his mates.

DH does not want his DS to share a room with either of them. DH would like the 18 year old to move in with his dad (not my DH) or elsewhere, or for my DSS to live with us as he thinks sharing a room with a 15 year old girl is unhealthy and not much better with a layabout brother.

EX treats her eldest like he walks on water, so this is not going to go down well. DSS has says all the time he likes his bedroom, and came to stay for a week when he was ill so he could rest quietly. We live 50 miles away from DSS main home so we are talking moving schools etc if he does come here.

Is DH being unreasonable?

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 16:02:09

Moving means his ex selling the FMH and yes his charge is supposed to be realised upon re-marriage but not without leave of the court whatever that means. I cant afford to buy a 3 bed in his ex's area, would also mean me finding a new job. As i've said we'd move if they sold the house or released my DH from mortgage. But seeing as she wont, and to go to court is a massive expense and damaging to fragile relations DH is happy for his DS to stay with his mum if he can have his own room. He's happy to have him here too. DH is happy if DS is happy sharing but DS isnt it. DH trying to find the right solution.

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 16:14:49

You could offer for the stepson to come and live with you, as long as this is not seen as purely an attempt to get out of paying maintenance or to play power games.

LineRunner Thu 27-Dec-12 16:15:06

In respect of realising the charge, that isn't a massive expense. A solicitor could easily deal with it.

But it's the consequences that need thinking through and some serious discussion.

Desired outcome: DS has his own room. Acceptable solution: exW has bigger house. Parties to the solution: all adults.

WakeyCakey Thu 27-Dec-12 16:17:39

Your dss isn't going to move 50 miles away from his mum and it would be cruel to even suggest it to him.
There is nothing wrong with sharing a room with someone of the opposite sex, they are siblings!
i am a step mum too and would never get involved in something like this at dsd's mums house.

there are loads of kids that want to have their own bedrooms but realistically many people can't do it so i personally think you should butt out and let the child's mum decide what's right for her child.

sorry if that sounds harsh but there seem to be too many threads at the moment of step mums over stepping the mark and if you carry on i think you may come close to it

elliebellys Thu 27-Dec-12 16:17:51

Why do you think 2 children should be made to leave their family home just so 1 doesnt have to share.?.many familys have no options .its not ideal but thats life.i also think the way you talk bout the other kids is disgustin.you have no right to judge.

allnewtaketwo Thu 27-Dec-12 16:18:03

I don't understand the maintenance comment arid bottle. Maintenance is supposed to cover the expense of having residence of the child. If you take over residence then you would incur the expense yourself, do what financial gain would there be? Unless you're assuming the Pwc profits out of the maintenance of course. I.e. that the maintenance received exceeds the cost

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 16:19:43

And when i say i cant afford to buy the house, what i mean is mortgage lenders wont consider my DH because he has a mortgage already and we'd actually do better just using me as the applicant.

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 16:21:02

I agree , however I have known of case where parents have rather naively tried to get residency because they did not want to pay maintenance. They are wrong but often it is about power games.

Relationships are already strained

purpleroses Thu 27-Dec-12 16:25:10

Your DH needs to explain to his DS clearly that he can't solve the bedroom shortage at his mum's. He can sympathise or try to offer pratical help (eg buy him a high sleeper or have say that he's welcome to stay at yours more weekends or hols) but his DS needs to understand that there are some things his dad can't fix for him. He needs to talk to his mum about this one, though it's quite possible she doen't have a magic solution either.

I would start off the discussions about him living witb you in a very general possibly in the future kind of way and see how he reacts. As someone upthread says not liking sharing a room isn't the same as actually wanting to uproot yourself.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 16:32:55

I dont think the 2 kids should move I dont think anything its my DH, and someone suggested we move closer and i am saying to do that would mean my DH realising his charge and forcing the family out of the FMH. And yes its a stupid suggestion that is why i said it to show we couldnt move closer. The question was my DH thinks he should help his son have his own room. When his adult brother stays at home when he could live with his dad or get a job and live an adult life. My DH pays maintenance and always will, more than CSA its insulting to say he wants DSS so he dont have to pay maintenance. I would leave him if he ever stopped supporting his son.

I am not sticking my nose in, im trying to be this adult you all want us to be take a step back get an outside opinion and advise DH.

Arisbottle Thu 27-Dec-12 17:04:23

I am not saying that his motivation is to avoid CSA, I said would it be interpreted as such and then create more conflict in an already difficult situation.

slambang Thu 27-Dec-12 17:11:40

From a totally objective outsider's point of view it all sounds a bit too controlling to me. Not his remit. Not his business and not in the best interests of his ds.

You say your dh has only just sorted reasonable contact and communication is limited to lawyers yet now he wants to dictate the sleeping arrangements in his x's house? Surely he would want to work to gently to build more trusting and positive communication with ds's mum by sticking fairly to the agreement that has been reached (no doubt at great expense) for the benefit of ds before dropping in the bombshell of ds moving to live with him?

How would you feel if a lawyer told you which bedroom in your house your dc was allowed to sleep in?

And there is no law on girls and boys not sharing bedrooms. Many families do this and manage perfectly well. However I'm sure ds's sister has made her mum aware that she's not happy with the arrangement just as ds has. I'm sure there mum has thought of the alternatives. And I'm sure that entering a legal battle to turn a young boy's life upside down is not in anyone's interest.

elliebellys Thu 27-Dec-12 17:27:29

Stepmooster,why should the lad have 2 move out cos he,s 18.thats his home as much as anyone,he has every right to stay for as long as he wants..how can this situation improve when your dh is prepared to tear a family apart just so his son gets a room to himself.

BOFingSanta Thu 27-Dec-12 17:30:59

You can't tell other people where they should live, you just can't.

I agree that the focus needs to be on restoring harmonious relations with the ex, and making your husband's son comfortable and happy when he stays with you.

Leave the rest of it: a solution will present itself in due course. At the moment, forcing the ex to sell up will look like a hostile move, but the adults involved will hopefully be able to discuss that option once the heat has been taken out of the divorce rows. This won't happen if your husband is trying to dictate to other people where they should be living.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 17:32:36

Its not DH doing this to control, he wants to help his son, who lives in the house DH pays the mortgage for. He thinks its unfair that his son has to share a room with his sister, which both hate and moan about, whilst an adult has the other room.

And yes i know its not the best timing as he's just gotten a contact agreement, but DS is moaning a lot. DH sorted the contact arrangement out cos DSS wanted to see him more often in school hols. DH doesnt think DS will want to move here but has never asked him.
So i suppose DH should test the waters with DS before doing anything thats going to rock the boat.

How do you think the mother will react when your Dh suggests her child move fifty miles away from her, their sibling and their friends?

elliebellys Thu 27-Dec-12 17:39:14

This is goin to end up in all out war very soon.you just can,t see it.

slambang Thu 27-Dec-12 17:41:11

He may not be doing it to control but that is what the effect is.

He may not think it's fair on his ds but it just isn't anything to do with him. (perhaps he thinks because he pays the mortgage he has some sort of residual rights to decide who lives in the house? he doesn't.)

Frankly if his reason for thinking about moving his ds away from his mother, siblings, friends and home is just because he shares a bedroom then he isn't thinking about ds's best interests. He is thinking about winning something. sad

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 18:50:46

DH is not going to make DSS move 50 miles away, he was going to ask him/his mother about it as DSS is moaning about not having his own room. Who knows she might be struggling, there's'probably a lot of unhappy adolescents creating merry hell and this might help?

DSS brother has a room at his dads. His dad lives near to the family home. He probably doesnt live there because his dad probably would make him get a job. And seeing as he likes to be out drinking with his mates rather than studying and keeping antisocial hours DH cant see why he should support him. Yes i suppose seeing as DH pays mortgage he feels his son ought to get a room instead of him. The ex and her husband have 2 homes between them and dont show any signs of selling either to trade up into a 4 bed.

CatchingMockingbirds Thu 27-Dec-12 18:53:58

Is dss's brother your dh's step son?

NotaDisneyMum Thu 27-Dec-12 18:56:19

DH doesnt think DS will want to move here but has never asked him. So i suppose DH should test the waters with DS before doing anything thats going to rock the boat.

I really don't think that placing an 11 year old in that situation is the best way forward.

No matter how your DP words it, it will come across as a bribe - "son, I know you don't like sharing a room at your Mums, so come and live with me, and you can have your own room".
For whatever reasons, your DP and his ex have both recently agreed (via solicitors) that what is best for your DSS is for him to live with his Mum and have regular contact with his Dad. If your DP doesn't intend to stick to the agreement, then it is up to him to renegotiate it, and ask a Court to intervene if he and his ex cannot agree. At that point, and not before, your DSS will be interviewed, by professionals, in order for recommendations to be made to the court.

Just because your DP and his ex disagree on this issue doesn't mean that your DSS is better off living with his Dad than his Mum - even if he wants to.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 18:56:24

Yes he was his DSS for 11yrs

Curios1ty Thu 27-Dec-12 18:57:01

OP you keeping coming back to whether your DH should approach his ex about her eldest son moving out. He simply cannot do that. That is completely unreasonable. He has no rights in telling someone to evict their own child. His only business is his child's well being and if his son isn't happy with sharing a room he needs to enable him to communicate that with his Mum or offer to help him to do it.

VBisme Thu 27-Dec-12 18:57:45

If your DH and his ex are only communicating via solicitors letters I find it hard to believe that he wants to discuss this to help her out.

I find it easy to believe that because he pays the mortgage he thinks he can dictate who lives where. Whilst I sympathise, I think you'll find he has no legal right to do that.

He may be able to force a sale, but that will all be included in the divorce papers, and probably wouldn't be a great idea.

My SDs complain bitterly about the size of their rooms at their mums house, well sorry, but my DH isn't going to talk to her about building an extension because it's none of his business.

Honestly, you're onto a losing battle, I'd stay out of it (both you and DH) if I were you.

Stepmooster Thu 27-Dec-12 18:59:32

DSS brother dropped out of college recently and has started being anti-social at home. If he was still studying and not being a nusciance then yes DH would stick to contact order. Its DSS who is complaining, and DH hasnt spoken abt it to DSS as he thinks that its putting him in the middle and wanted to discuss with his mother...

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