Can anyone give me any advice. Feel like in going crazy.(26 Posts)
So the situation is dp and I have always had a rocky on/off relationship. He has dd8. Together we have 3dc 6, 2 & 1.
I'm having trouble with a lot of things.. I'm in a situation where my parents have a lot of money and tend to spoil my 3. For example last week the 6 year old got £600 to spend on an iPad, bike and other things. Dp and I do not have money ourselves. Our finances are seperate and I take care of all the kids needs. They are never without the essentials, food/clothes ect but dp spends a high proportion of his money on alcohol and cigs. He will give me money here and there.
Anyway anything our dd gets from my parents he says his dd needs as well. So despite him not having any money he is going to find £300 for an iPad. He also didn't have any money for Xmas presents this year so I said to use my credit card to buy his daughter something in the sales. He wants to take my credit card and go out but he is so un trustworthy when it comes to money I was just asking joe much are you going to spend and what are you getting her. In a way saying. £300 is not going on my credit card for an iPad for an 8 year old. He got stroppy and said forget it coz I'm clearly not happy about it.
Now I am a nice person, when we see his daughter I treat her like one of my own. We don't see her often so I feel bad by saying these things. But I don't have the money to get her the same things as my dd. because my parents buy her them things.
Any advice? And I know I sound horrible but it is really getting to me that I feel our 3 is just my responsibility but he will let me struggle but find money to buy her something expensive. Even writing it down sounds like I'm being such a bitch. I just don't really know what to do. If you need more information please just ask! Please help!
Tough one as normally I woud say thy should be equal, but if your dp leaves you to struggle a you have separate finances he should make sure that he sorts her present.
Is there any chance of going halfs with dp ex? To share the cost?
Any chance you could explain to your parents that you treat his daughter as one of your own - could they do the same?
I did say that about the halves and he went into a rant about how he doesn't want to talk to her.
About my parents treating her the same may be a problem because they have only seen her once when she was about 2 1/2! Hmmm it's such a tough situation in general. He has taken my credit card to go and get something with the promise to not go overboard and pay it off. Tbh I doubt he will pay it off- but she does need a present from him. Tonight we are having a full on proper conversation about finances and what I need from him and vice versa. Wish me luck, hope it doesn't turn into an argument.
Thank you for your replies.
I can see why he feels the need to balance things out for her. Do her grandparents/ mother tend to buy her big presents? Can't really see any easy way of fixing it to be honest...
why on earth did your parents give you £600 for a six year old - thats a huge amount for a six year old and no wonder your dp wants to splash out on his dd to try and even up the balance. how often do your parents create these situations? to my mind id be saying to your parents to put the money in savings rather than giving £600 of stuff.
Well I saw her on Xmas day and she said her mum had got her an iPad! Other than that I don't know what she has. I've seen her about 20 times and Don't know her that well. Dp says that she doesn't have anything that our dd has.
My argument is that he has never ever bought any of the 3 birthday presents / clothes/ books/ uniform nothing! So sometimes I feel like he cares less for mine- though I KNOW he doesn't. That's my insecurities, but I can't help getting frustrated that each year he finds money for big token presents but nothing for mine. I'm sounding childish now aren't I?!
I think your parents are giving really excessive amounts for children that young. If they really have money they want to spend on them, could you encourage them to give less of it directly, and to put some of it aside as savings towards when they're older? Your DSD would hardly be aware of that.
Your DP might step up to the mark and start treating his own younger three DCs as ones he has responsibilities for if he doesn't see them already being given such huge amounts by their grandparents. If I had 4 DCs, 3 of whom were given vast amounts by grandparents, and one who wasn't, I think I'd feel as a parent that I should put my resources into the one with least.
My DCs and DP's DCs get different levels of support from their grandparents, and from their other parents (our exes) and they do all seem to understand that that's no different from childrenin their class at school getting differnet thigns. But whilst I don't think it should be beyond an 8 year old to appreciate that your DCs have different grandparents and therefore get diffferent presents, seeing her younger siblings get such excessive amounts spent on them can't be easy.
I think it depends on what your dsd gets at her mums house and how generous her grandparents are in mums side?
Whilst I think you can never ever make it perfect and treat all kids the same, I do think your parents are a bit cruel spending so much on your three and not on your dsd. If your kids were to get £500 rather than £600 and your dsd get £300, they would still be spending the same money but your dsd would be included.
I get the feeling from your post that you're upset with your husband not providing for his daughter himself but expecting you and your family to? Perhaps this isn't about the money but about your relationship with dh?
Yes we have A LOT of issues so maybe you can pick up from my post it is more than that.
I see what everyone is saying, and the savings is a good idea. It is complicated because like I said, my parents have seen her once for about 20 minutes when she was about 2. So 6 years ago. So I can't really expect them or say can you give dsd some money too?! Or can I?
It's so annoying because we had a talk and I just wish things were more normal- him to have a normal job and consistent wage through each month, his dd to come round on a regular basis so that she feels part of the family. She has only seen my youngest twice and he is nearly one.
I have no idea how generous her grandparents are, I don't know a thing about her family except the basics.m I just keep sighing every hour of the day. Thanks for being honest with me.
So how come you and dh see her so little. Your dh choice or is contact made difficult?
You're right in that its very hard for your parents to include her if they never see her. And also hard for you and your kids to think of her as family if they rarely see her either.
There are so many expectations on step families to behave as "first families" but this rarely works as they are simply not the same.
If I am 100% honest it is a bit of both
Sorry posted too soon. I encourage him to see her, but it's hard because if we are rocky, his accommodation is not suitable for kids. It's only when we are together he can see her more.
She also makes it hard, she had trouble excepting my first pregnancy. She will say yes he can get her, an hour before he is due to collect her she will text to say no.. She tells her dd that my dcs are not her real siblings.
But yes this whole blended family situation needs a lot of work because I want her to feel comfortable here and I want things to work out long term for us because it affects everyone.
If your parents are reasonable people, could you explain the situation to them and ask them to send much LESS in the way of presents, but could they possibly include dsd as she is feeling left out?
Why should your parents stop buying for their grandchildren.
Sorry - sd has her own family as well as dpi - it doesn't sound like you like together?
Why have you given him your CC? He needs to stop drinking and smoking if he can't afford presents no sponge off you.
I don't think the problem is your parents buying excessive gifts for your DC. The issue is your DP is feckless! Your relationship is rocky, he has money for cigs and booze but not basics, off with your credit card, can only see his Dd when you're together as his living situation isn't suitable? Sounds like a real catch.
I know, on paper he doesn't sound the greatest! Which is why our relationship is rocky, but he has changed a lot and is still changing and adjusting. He is waaaaay better then what he use to be. We just started living together, and obviously because I've been on my own for so long, I'm also adjusting so we are trying to work through our problems. He has got an alcohol addiction, which does get brushed under the carpet at times, but if I do bring it up it could start a big big argument. So as long as I see an improvement and it is on going I don't mind trying to work things out.
My parents are well off so £600 isn't a big deal to them, and its not all the time! In one way I agree with the point that it's not fair to say to my parents to stop spending on dd, because they are grandparents and apparently that is the perks of it! But then again when it is causing problems with dps dd then that's also not fair. In the long term it could be bigger issues, such as my parents have offered to pay for private school when dd is at secondary (and the other 2 when they are older) Which I would be grateful for because schools round here have gotten worse unfortunately. BUT then dps dd will need it as well, and do you see where it ends up messy?!
I will start playing the lottery and hope to win, that way everyone can have a million pounds and be bloody happy!!
No its not messy, my exh has a lot more money than I do, plus we had dc1 who is his only child. I accept that DC1 financially will have more than my other 3. I am not expecting DC1 to be financially penalised to satisfy my other 3.
Different children in different families get different things, especially given thed lack of a relationship betweem DPs DD and your parents.
Also having privately Ed DC1 for a long time, I wish I had spent the money moving to a better area (just a thought).
Stop thinking about what is fair for DPs DD and look after your own children, who are after all living with a functioning alcoholic.
I cannot believe you are so fast to sweep that under the carpet - you have way more to worry about than an ipad.
I do see what your saying.. But it came across kind of rude? I do look after my children, and very well might I add! And we have been dealing with the drunk issue for the last 3 years. Obviously I can't go into details of what we have done in the last 3 years as it would take ages to type.
I am fully aware I have more things to worry about than an iPad! Just because I started a post about it, does not mean that's all I have to worry about!
Anyway like I said I see what your saying but its not as easy
to say 'oh my kids can have more than yours because of my circumstances'. Because the other child is not mine. Whereas all your children are yours.. Does that make sense? It's a lot more complicated when I'm saying 'stop spending so much money on your dd' then it gets into an issue that I don't like his dd ect. I'm not explaining myself properly but hopefully you understand.
I understand what you mean, but you arent saying, dont spend so much on DD are you - you are saying if you spent less on fags and booze, you would have more to spend on DD.
You are saying, stop spending MY money on DD.
Either you have just moved in with an alcoholic or you haven't - it doesn't matter how many steps you are taking or have taken, he is either sober or he isn't - there are no half measure, and given that you have posted that he is spending his money on booze and fags, its a given he isn't.
Yes all my children are mine, that makes it harder not easier, because one of my children is living a financially better life than their siblings in the same house. I also have SCs for FWIW.
Their mother and father lived for today, spent every penny, and they have no savings etc.
I have savings for all mine, not a huge amount, but my 1 week old has more money in the bank than DHs 16 year old does. That is not my issue, the fact that her mother choses to spend her money on one thing, and I another, is absolutely not my problem.
It is not my my job to look out for my SCs, they have their own mum and dad and extended family for that. I am responsible for my DCs, and my DCs alone - and take it from me, I wasn't always like this, but over the years I have learned that lesson the hard way.
See in my head I see that if we are together I should also take responsibility for sdd whilst she is here? So say we were all going on him
Sorry about that, so say we were all going on holiday I'd assume it was me and dps responsibility to pay for her? Would you say that it is just dps? And I'm new at all of this so it is a genuine question.
This sounds like a bigger issue than the Xmas present. If you are going to be together (you said you're on/off) then you need to have family finances and a similar attitude to money and equal responsibility for all the children of the family.
If you get to this point, would ask your parents to treat all the kids equally in terms of gift giving, but they might want to put money in savings for their DGCs.
Yes it's more than the one present, it grates on me that he leaves me to buy clothes, presents, the cost of their birthday parties, and then say I get an entertainer for dds party, he will be like oh I'm going to have to get xx pounds to get dd something. But he never has any money for us.
Well things escalated just now because he has left me with 3 sick kids saying he feels sick. But I know why he feels sick and that's because he drank 6 beers in a row last night and didn't eat any food. And I asked why he did it and he started shouting saying how everyone can't be perfect like me. 'Sigh'
Your parents must be very worried about you and the life you have chosen for your DCs - perhaps they are trying to somehow compensate for the disruption and unpredictability in their lives by spoiling them financially?
I don't think you can consider yourself a family unit - with or without your DSD - until your DP respects you as an equal and partner. All the while you are on-off, and he isn't contributing financially or emotionally to your DCs then you really aren't a family unit and your focus should be on you and your DCs alone.
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