Double standards for the Evil Stepmum...long winge

(72 Posts)
coolmango Sat 22-Dec-12 03:53:17

DSD8 and myself have been fine but occasionally DSD does make disparaging and hurtful comments towards me.

Tonight, after a stressful week at work and all day of ignoring said comments I did explode and say 'ENOUGH' in the KFC car park. DP then decided to throw his meal in my footwell and drive off.

It was trivial what DSD had said. Apparently my armpits need a lawnmower to get through them, (they don't by the way), but this had been said, at full volume around ASDA previous and it was wearing thin with me by then. DP did not pull her up about it, even though he does this if my DS14 or DD4 are rude to him.

He drove off, in true P'eed off man speed because as usual, I was just being a moody b**ch. He is now in bed after cooing over DSD and telling her that I have been 'hormonal'.

I am so sick of his pandering to DSD whilst chastising my children, (as the other adult in the house I believe he should be respected), that I am ready to walk.......tell him to F ......oh he can take the Fing dog as well.

I just don't get it...his parenting skills with my kids and we are on the same page.

Once a fortnight he turns into someone who I do not respect as a parent or a partner.

Crap parenting: eg: DSD8 eats with her mouth open and cannot use a knife and fork.

DSD8 does not eat ANY fruit or veg.....I will hide this in her food when cooking

DP finds it funny that both himself and DSD chuck McDonalds, or other litter out of the window of the car after eating, (I hate littering),. This probably explains why DSD does not pick up after herself.

DP / DSD will often spend the entire weekend in PJs. Usually eating sweeties.

DP/ DSD find it funny to PUMP in my face, even though I have told them I do not like it.

DP hates when my DD4 whinges and has a singy songy voice yet is completly hypnotises by his own daughter who has 'that voice' all weekend.

DSD has a rather strange fixation upon her Dad. Every fortnight her private parts are ' irritated' and she calls him up to the bathroom to apply Sudocreme.

DSD had a thing about only sleeping with DP on the sofa..I have now changed that but..he now has to put his t-shirt on her and then when he goes to bed, another one next to her.

In the morning they have to have 'bed time cuddles'. I have to be out of the room for this. This can go on for over an hour and DP can't understand why I get so P'd off when I am trying to get ready for the day.

DSD is great when she is just with me .......DP turns her into a blathering idiot and both her parents need to teach her some manners. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. I think that the double standards in line with what I expect from my children and the obvious 'can do no wrong' from DPs own child are going to cause many a night of friction in the future.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Fri 04-Jan-13 11:48:06

It does all make you sound very submissive to be honest. If I had spat out my Xmas dinner at 9 I would have been dispatched to an outhouse for an hour with my turkey to consider my crime. Then been grounded. And had to write a letter of apology to the family.

As for her taking up your bed - just refuse to get out.

And the Sudocrem screaming? Well? Make an urgent doctors appt for her if she is that uncomfortable.

I have to say you are in some way the architect of your own misfortune sad

Erm, this all sounds very extreme. Why do you stay and put up with from these people? Nice for your children!

OpheliasWeepingWillow Fri 04-Jan-13 10:17:53

Wow. Your DP really needs to man up and be a better parent.

sad

coolmango Fri 04-Jan-13 10:09:23

I did update but for some reason it hasn't posted. I will summerise: DSD is 10 not 8, sorry for confusion

1. had DSD from Xmas morning. Was supposed to be Xmas eve but impractical as busy. This will be 4th yr DSD has not spent Xmas with mum.

2. DP annoyed, understandably, as DSD coat on and at door Xmas morning as EW going out.

3. DSD went into meltdown as did not get everything on Xmas list. Did however get andriod tablet, keyboard, moshi monsters and around 20 other gifts. These were paid for by me as DP didn't get wage before xmas.

4. Xmas dinner spat out and thrown on floor as it was 'disgusting'. DSD wanted to go to chinese takeaway instead. DSD annoyed I insisted she get dressed and not eat in PJs.

5. Hid Sudocreme but DSD again meltdown till DP went and bought some more.

6. Rather nasty picking on DD3. DP actually told her off about this. DSD decided she wanted to go home and yet another meltdown when DP said no.

7. NYE outing cancelled as EW decided she was going out and DSD would have to stay till new years day evening. EW only contacted DSD NYE to ask about her xmas.

8. Should elaborate on the cuddles in bed. DSD will quietly sneak into my side of the bed whilst I am out of the room. DP usually falls back asleep after saying good morning. DSD pretends to be asleep but does usually smirk at me. I leave the room as I feel uncomfortable getting back in bed with her there. I am not actually 'told' to leave. An hour later DP has woken up and is on phone. DSD is still up there talking, singing or playing with toys. there is absolutely nothing abusive on DPs part in this I believe DSD is trying to 'assert' herself as number one and has a bit of jealousy. She is too immature to understand that DP loves me in a different way from her. Hour long cuddles have now generally stopped although DSD will now wake DD3 and send her into the bedroom first so I get up. DD3 does not do this when DSD is not here. DSd will leave room when asked now.

9. Asked DP to leave on new years day as I had had enough. Don't think the stress from Xmas helped.

10. After a long talk agreed to give it another go. Looking forward to this weekend. No DSD and DD3 away at her dads. We are going to spend some time together alone and try and work things out.

11. Informed this morning that DSD9 will be here again this weekend as EW going out. DP has asked me to change contact arrangements for DD3. I have refused.

So there you go, looks like I am in for yet another fun packed weekend. DPs EW seems to be arranging contact by 'stealth' and will get DSD9 to ring DP and say she wants to stay. DP and myself have heard EW in background coaching DSD on what to say, and yes this has happened during the week overnight previously as well. DP cannot say no and I understand this up to a point.

I am just so fed up with it all at the moment.

ivykaty44 Sun 30-Dec-12 13:41:59

i would not allow someone to fart in my face a second time - that would be the end of any type of friendship - let alone a flipping relationship hmm

why would you want to be with a person that puts you down in this disgusting way and to make themselves feel funny/good

ffs

Vev Sun 30-Dec-12 13:33:28

Creepy behaviour on dad's part. No way that would go on in my home. Children shouldn't have secrets of that kind. Even in all innocence, it could be used against him at some time.

wrinklyraisin Sun 30-Dec-12 05:22:23

*love not live. Darn spellcheck.

I should add my oh always insists my dsd take care of her own health and cleanliness and if she has any issues down there, she asks me for advice not him, if she's with us. Her own mum should be her first point of call. At 8yrs old it's highly unnecessary for her to need cream applied. And the secret cuddles?!?!? I shuddered reading that.

wrinklyraisin Sun 30-Dec-12 05:19:15

My dsd is 8 nearly 9. She has every now and then had bad "jealousy" attacks when she sees her dad cuddle me or kiss me or even rest his hand on my leg while we sit on the couch watching tv. She tells him to kiss her or scratch her back or stroke her hair or tells me to move over so she can sit next to both of us (meaning I can't sit next to him). We've dealt with this by explaining she's his child and always will be lived and cared for and special, and I'm his partner and also very special. But the best thing is she has an extra person to live her so she needn't feel jealous etc as her dad has a heart big enough for us all to be loved by him, and my heart is big enough to love him and her too. There's no need to compete.

I do feel disturbed by the OP. By all means parents should have "quality" time with their children. But the goings on in this case sound sinister.

brdgrl Sun 30-Dec-12 05:03:43

As for "children don't flirt", that isn't exactly true...children do imitate flirtatious behaviour they have seen adults model. The adult response to it, of course, is the important thing. And whatever the circumstances here, it seems very clear that your partner's response to his daughter's behaviours (no matter what their motivation ro her level of consciousness about them) is inappropriate.

brdgrl Sun 30-Dec-12 05:00:14

It is not often that i have sympathy for step-parents, I am of the opinion that they made their bed...
What the hell does that even mean? I married a widower with kids. Did I do something wrong? What on earth is wrong with you?

AmberLeaf Thu 27-Dec-12 20:31:38

Totally inappropriate and Im also shocked at some replies [Xallas and those agreeing with her]

The child is 8 and whatever is going on here is solely down to her fathers parenting.

children don't flirt or instigate such things.

If this thread is for real, then some bad stuff is happening OP, stuff that is bigger than your marriage and that you as an adult have a duty to highlight.

littlecloud Thu 27-Dec-12 20:19:32

Hope you had a lovey x-mas coolmango just wondering if you have an update? R.E DP?

LookingForwardToMarch Mon 24-Dec-12 19:09:13

Sorry but the cream and secret cuddles sound at best unhealthy, at worst abusive.

Leave

ElenorRigby Sun 23-Dec-12 18:39:02

coolmango

I've taken the time to read some but not all of your other threads/posts here.

Please please do not take some of the negative posts personally. Unfortunately people do take short cuts and come to conclusions without knowing even a fraction of the story, that's not your fault.

It's also not your fault after getting out of a very abusive relationship to want and deserve much much better.

It's also easy to after the above to really want things to work in a new relationship and maybe have glasses that are too rose tinted.

Hun I've think you have accidentally walked yourself into another horrid circumstance. Your "partner" should not be treating you and your DC's as he is.
IMO you need get out of this relationship as quick as is possible.

You also need to consider his abnormal behaviour with his DD and whether you need to get others involved be it her mum, state authorites etc.

I have a 9yo DSD who has been emotionally abused by her mum. She does crave cuddles and affection from her dad, v v understandable.
DSD, DP, DD and I all have a jolly good snuggle in bed in the mornings.
DSD is always on her dads side, DD on mine. No problem. If either DP or I tell the kids to leave the bed, they leave. No problem.

Your partner excluding you from your bed in favour of his daughter (with u on the sofa sometimes) sorry. That's no healthy way for her, you and him.

Please do the best you can x

Merrycuckingfistmas Sun 23-Dec-12 17:45:55

What xalla and poppy said mrs mushroom.

Revelsarethebest Sun 23-Dec-12 16:34:11

Poppy

Her partner is allowing this to happen.

Her dsd could of been told thats its special time for them and therefore this child thinks its normal and doesnt realize its abuse so therefore instigates this special time innocently.

nkf Sun 23-Dec-12 16:32:24

Are you the poster whose partner buys you and his daughter the same underwear?

PoppyPrincess Sun 23-Dec-12 16:29:56

I agree with Xalla.
I think it can't be assumed that there is abuse going on here, especially as it is DSD who asks for the cream on and asks for OP to leave the room.
The dynamics of the relationship aren't right and the DP is mostly to blame for that but it doesn't mean that he's necessarily abusing her

nkf Sun 23-Dec-12 16:29:24

I'd dump him so fast his head would spin.

Revelsarethebest Sun 23-Dec-12 16:27:15

What the hell is going on here op? Reading your op has made me feel very sick!

This is not right, its disgusting and disturbing to be honest. This needs knocking on the head asap. Dont stay in this fucked up situation

RacHoHoHog Sun 23-Dec-12 13:16:47

I would also be worried about the sudocreme and cuddles. My ds 6 applies cream to his own private areas if he has a sore bum, showers himself etc and is very private about his body.

I think you have a duty to do something. Abuse happens because people turn a blind eye.

As an aside, my dp and I had issues with double standard parenting but after many rows I think we have finally got there.

lunar1 Sun 23-Dec-12 12:45:06

It is not often that i have sympathy for step-parents, I am of the opinion that they made their bed...

In this case i think you need to grab your children and run for the hills. If you wont do that then FGS never ever have a child with this man.

Xalla Sun 23-Dec-12 12:40:08

mrsmushroom

I never used the word 'flirting'.

I don't think there's anything sexual about this child's behaviour; I think she's probably very jealous of her step-mum and in response to that is mimicing what she sees as intimate behaviour in order to compete; essentially I think she's attention seeking but the real problem is that her Dad is validating those behaviours. Which qualifies him as abusive.

That's my take on the cuddling anyway. I have a different explanation for the Sudocreme stuff based on my experience with my own DSD but I'll pm the OP to offer that as I'll no doubt get flamed for it on here...

So as for your accusation of me sexualising an 8 year old; right back at you.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly Sun 23-Dec-12 12:36:27

Boxy is real too. It's not that she's not.

It's that she chooses to stay in this really unhealthy relationship and just keeps coming back with the same thing over and over and over. Never takes in anything that's said and never makes changes in her life.

There's a limit to how much people can do that before they really have to just accept the life they've chosen.

I know! grin

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey Sun 23-Dec-12 12:24:14

I wondered that Hec.

On the off chance this is real, I can only echo what MrsMushroom said. Blaming an abusive dynamic on the victim, especially when the victim is a CHILD, is utterly repellent.

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