Dh's double standards

[Incrediblemeee]

Hi, the question of double standards in a stepfamily is likely quite common, and perhaps someone could offer me some advice on a recent development. We moved house to accommodate visits by dsc and now live very close to ds's (14) school. This means he can now invite friends round and is able to visit friends more often too. Dh gives me the feeling though that it is not ok to have kids over regularly, I tend to side with him if I feel that my ds has not cleared up after the visit, where they also cook together. But after a while I feel I'm being too harsh on my son, especially as dh treats his kids like demigods where the best is never good enough. Help! I know it does not sound too dramatic but it is causing me palpitations with the constant pleasing of everybody...

[HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly]

You say he 'gives you the feeling'

Does this mean he hasn't actually said anything and you are basing your view on a 'feeling'?

Talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel. Be very direct that you feel there is a double standard and it has to stop. Tell him what he says or does that gives you this 'feeling'. Tell him that this is your son's home and he will be having friends over! (I would avoid - at this point - saying that he treats his own children like demigods!)

And impress upon your son that having friends over is conditional upon him doing X, Y, Z (clearing up, etc) and that not doing so can and will result in friends not being allowed over for X amount of time.

What you shouldn't be doing is getting into a state trying to please everyone. When did it become your job to please everyone? Is it their job to please you?

[purpleroses]

Talk to your DH and find out what he actually thinks. No good second-guessing. In our house DP tried to make a rule that the kids should ask before they invite people over - but in practise his DD (15) never does. DP doesn't bother to enforce it and it doesn't really bother me. What does bother me is if she and her friends eat all the food and leave a mess, so I pick her up on that and she usually asks now before taking food, and sometimes clears up. Best if you and DH work out what suits you both (which should apply to the DSC too of course) and then you talk to your DS if necessary and explain that he should ask first, or ask before offering food, or clear up, or whatever it is you and DH agree on. I think your DS is reaching an age when socialising does change quite a bit, and expecting them always to ask first might become a bit unreasonable - but expecting them not to eat your food without asking or to clear up is certainly not.

[Incrediblemeee]

Thank you both for replying, have got ds to agree to basics when inviting friends, using only certain food from fridge and then loading dishwasher, etc. Dh I have pacified by stressing the extra time put in cleaning up and so on, but interestingly enough after 3 years together, I still find I can talk more openly to ds about what's what and rather tiptoe around dp... I feel I need to tell him things in bits and bites as he seems unable to process too much personal data at once. And yes he works with computers.