Resentment towards adult DSD's

[TantrumsandBananas]

Help!!! Its getting bigger and bigger. I was going to namechange, but you know, on some level I don't really care.

Two DSD's lets call them Julie 21 and Mary 26. I have my own DD who is 3.

I have know them for 5 years. I was not in anyway involved in the breakup of DH's and ex's marriage. We met later.

Before I go any further, I feel that most of what I say is actually my own fault.

When I had DD it became apparent very quickly that we could not afford to support two houses, therefore, it was agreed that ex would move out and we would move in. After which we would have both girls and my daughter living with us. Eldest was 23 and youngest 18. As you can imagine, it has not been easy. I have bent over backwards, redecorated bedrooms. When Mary moved out spent alot of money on furniture for her. When Julie went to Uni, set her up too.

Lots and lots of other things. I have always defended them to the hilt, when DH's family call them selfish and spoilt. When they have had presents and cards and never even said a thank you. Have made excuses for them, you know, "they are busy, etc etc"

I even found out about a shit nickname they have for me, but chose to ignore it.

Julie has been home, and not visited us, stayed with her sister, the one who lives near us never visits. When she does come home, never even washed a cup, washed the bath out, anything.

It was my DD's B/d and they never even sent her a card. I had to lie to her and pretend one of the ones on the shelf was from Julie and Mary when she asked.

This I think was the straw which broke the camels back! I just feel manipulated and used. And angry with myself for letting this happen (guilt).

I am a softy, but want to toughen up.

Now, I have had a message saying "will be home from uni next weekend". And then have seen a message flying around between them both about Julie's boyfriend also coming up (to stay here of course). And organising their social life.

My DH now has to be up at 5.30am. We have just got DD to sleep through the night in her own bed, and I work most nights now. I am bloody dreading having her/them here. I usually spend an age tidying and cleaning her room, and making it all nice. Haven't this time. it hasn't been touched since she left in september, clothes and rubbish everywhere.

I have told my DH its up to HIM to make a stand here. They have made it perfectly clear how much they respect me.

Don't want her boyfriend here.

If she goes out and isn't back at 11, stay at your friends/sisters/mums - she has a spare room.

Oh and thanks for not getting DD a card - thats SHIT.

I know this isn't AIBU, but I need to rant I think, reassurance that I do need to toughen up - they aren't babies.

Just had enough.

Help me be reasonable/I don't want to back down, as thats what I usually do, and I think they know me well enough to know this.

Sorry its so long.

[goralka]

tbh if she is 21 she should have some more consideration.......

[goralka]

but do you think possibly you might have done too much for them, you describe yourself as a 'softy' - and talk about doing up her room and tidying her room for her....perhaps she has been a bit 'babied'?

[ohfunnyface]

They don't sound malicious- just immature a bit selfish and entitled.

Rather than exploding- why don't you just pull then up on their behaviour as and when it happens?

[TantrumsandBananas]

I agree, particularly with the youngest, she has been babied. I have done too much which is why I blame myself.

Oh my what a lovely way of putting it - selfish and entitled - like that. They are.

I don't explode, I just don't. The last time I raised my voice to anyone was probably about 5 years ago! In some ways I wish I would - then it would just be dealt with!

I suppose, its about boundaries, or lack of them. I have been a doormat.

[Eliza22]

Am I missing the obvious? The youngest, Julie, comes home from uni, stays with her sister (who lives nearby) and DOESN'T BOTHER TO VISIT HER DAD (and you and your dd, HER step sister)? Now, cause she has her BF as well, she just wants to basically crash at dad's place? How convenient!

I'd get tough. They are NOT children. My guess is, they've never fully accepted that dad has a second wife/child. It's not just ALL ABOUT THEM now, is it? Do you have a big house? Will she pull her weight in the Christmas food prep? Tidy up after herself? If not, what she and her boyfriend need is ...... A hotel.

I've been in this position. I did everything I could to welcome skids. It was a waste of time. DS just had a birthday. No cards, no phone calls. Big, big fuss for youngest sd's birthdays/Xmas. And the day I told her, clearly (and DH backed me up) that I was not the home help/maid she had to pick up all the stuff from her bedroom floor to I could SEE the carpet never mind clean it..... She left. Haven't seen hide not hair of her for 18 months. She's 18 and at uni now.

If, because you're a nice person, you have them stay, it's on the understanding that they treat your home and everyone in it, with respect. They (including BF) must help and not just use your home as somewhere to sleep/eat/roll home drunk to!

It's hard but if you don't want to have the you know what taken out of you.... Get tough.

Oh, and no card for your little one? Shame on them.

[Eliza22]

Oh and resentment toward them? You are more than justified. But let that go....it's very draining. Instead state clearly what's acceptable and expected of them. It's not a RIGHT to have everyone do your bidding. Exceptions have to be made for kids, I know, but these young women are....well, grown up women!

[CatchingMockingbirds]

Sorry if ive misunderstood one paragraph of your OP, did yous kick their mother out of her home because you were having a baby, then move in and the girls had to stay with yous as they had nowhere else to go?

[Kaluki]

That bit confused me too.
Maybe they resent you for that OP. Not that that excuses their behaviour now but it might explain a lot.
Have you tried to over compensate for this by spoiling them?
Whatever - they are grown women now and you have every right to expect them to treat you with respect when they visit your home.

[lunar1]

Catching that is exactly what i was thinking! If that is the case i think i would have a name for you and their dad too, it would not be a nice one.

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

I`m a bit confused about the house thing as well, it was their home with their mother and then now its yours? As for not sending your LO a birthday card, upsetting but normal I think. DSS wouldnt even think about sending our LO a card, I buy it for him (along with his dads etc) not because hes awful just because he doesnt think, hes still rather lovely though if a little (lot) messy, forgetful, selfish etc in other words totally normal, he makes me smile.

[TantrumsandBananas]

Oh, should have explained that more clearly.

We had a house, ex had a house with a 23 year old and an 18 yr old (by this time) living in it. We paid all the bills on their house (mortgage/council tax/upkeep) plus we paid £400 maintenance a month. We were still paying this even when eldest was 23. Our outlay was upwards of £1500 pm, which was basically all my salary. Incidently, the maintenance was never disclosed (for years) and certain benefits were claimed for, which shouldn't have been (I only found this out recently). Oh, and she was never actually in the house, she spent most of her time with her new partner at HIS home.

What DSD's had was a house that basically they could do what they wanted in. It was basically party central.

When I got pregnant, it became apparent that we could not afford to maintain both houses.

So we gave ex a choice, either stay in the house, and pay us rent (so we could continue to pay mortgage)

Or buy house from us (so that we could keep paying mortgage, and they could all stay there).

Or move out and we move in, everyone had choices.

We gave them 10 months to make decisions.

Ex decided to move out and buy another house. I'm sorry if you think I/we were harsh, but they were 23 and 18. NOT children, and things had to change. IF they had been younger we would have come up with some other plan.


Do not think that we didn't do what was best. I had an awful upbringing and was determined that neither of these girls should suffer. They didn't.

Oh and if I thought I deserved a nasty nickname, I would probably have thought of one myself!!!

[TantrumsandBananas]

Thanks Eliza22 its not always easy to get across feelings in a post but I think you got how I feel.

I do think the house is probably part of the issue, but only because they can't do what they want anymore!!!