Where I am

(14 Posts)
brdgrl Sat 24-Nov-12 11:55:30

oh, redhen! That is so good. I'm really glad you are seeing such positive results. I do think that just reaching the point where one's DP recognizes the need for change is a huge step. I hope things just keep getting better. Keep us posted!

glasscompletelybroken Sat 24-Nov-12 11:04:24

Wow! So happy for you, that's really amazing news!

purpleroses Fri 23-Nov-12 21:46:39

That's good to hear. Amazing how much some men can stick their head in the sand about things, but great to hear you've finally managed to make him take your concerns seriously. Good luck.

NotaDisneyMum Fri 23-Nov-12 16:52:36

out PUT yourself first!

NotaDisneyMum Fri 23-Nov-12 15:10:12

Brilliant news! I'm pleased that you've out yourself first and you are now in what sounds like a much more equal partnership - congratulations smile

PoppyPrincess Fri 23-Nov-12 13:29:57

Petal my ex used to have to ring his kids at 7 every night too but I think that was more because he wanted to than he had to. Always wanted to say good night to them which I suppose is sweet.
But yes it could be rather annoying when you were out or in the middle of a conversation and he would leave the room cos he had to ring the girls bang on 7.

Petal02 Fri 23-Nov-12 13:21:04

Kaluki - your DP has to ring his children every night at 7pm, even if he's in the cinema, using the bathroom, driving down a motorway etc etc???

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read that. I don't know which bit is the most galling; the fact that the arrangement exists, or the fact that he abides by it ........

Kaluki Fri 23-Nov-12 12:59:11

Chinup - DP and I went to the cinema on Wednesday. It was the only day we could go and only the only showing that had seats was at 6.15 but he has to phone his dc at 7pm every night (by order of THE CONTRACT)so he actually left in the middle of the film to phone them - then sat back down and whispered "what did I miss?"
hmm
I've given up complaining now - he knows how ridiculous I think he is and I can't be bothered to waste my breath anymore.

Kaluki Fri 23-Nov-12 12:54:05

Redhen - fantastic news! I'm really pleased for you. It's a shame it took nearly losing you to give your DP the kick he needed but an excellent outcome nonetheless!!
I think half the battle is getting these Disney dads to see that they aren't doing their kids any favours by being this way and that like your therapist said, no other woman will put up with it either. The positive way your DSC have reacted to his toughening up is proof of this. Kids need boundaries. Fact.
Keep up the good work - and here's to a very merry Christmas!!!

PoppyPrincess Fri 23-Nov-12 12:45:13

Thanks for sharing that with us Redhen, I could certainly relate to a lot of the problems you faced. think me n DP could probably learn a thing or two from you both. It's good to know that we're not the only people facing these problems x

Fooso Fri 23-Nov-12 12:06:16

Congratulations Redhen - really good to hear about the changes at home - and DP's change of behaviour - for all of you x long may it continue

theredhen I couldn't read and run. As a SM myself I am oh so familiar with these issues, and have read your and others' posts regarding the challenges of being a SM. I am so pleased for you that you have had such a positive outcome (early days yet, I know) to your decision to take back control.

I have endured years of disney parenting. Years. It's been nowhere near as desperate a situation as yours, but ye gods, sometimes I wonder if that's a brain between DH's ears or a food group.

We had a celebration dinner out this week - we'd had some long awaited good news. But first he had to take a phone call from XW as she'd been trying to get hold of him and it might be urgent about DSS (despite her leaving a message earlier saying that it wasn't). I sat in the restaurant by myself, waiting. The call was actually a bit of a moan about lack of money etc and totally put a dampener on OUR evening out - the only one we've had in months. You do wonder sometimes, couldn't it have waited, just once? But it concerned DSS, and at the mention of his name (and he's basically a good kid, don't get me wrong) DH goes into overdrive.

Sigh. But I'm pleased for you - I really, really am. xx

Petal02 Fri 23-Nov-12 11:47:06

Redhen, I'm soooooooooo pleased for you. I know you never really wanted to leave him, but he needed a big shock, and it sounds like you delivered.

Well done you - and can I wish you an early Merry Christmas!!!! xx

theredhen Fri 23-Nov-12 11:18:28

This is for all you kind people who have provided support to me on here, I thought I should update you on what is happening for me and my situation.

Around 2 months ago, I announced to DP that DS and I were leaving him and that I was moving back to my house, that I wanted and deserved some control over my own life and that of DS life too. There obviously followed lots of tears, anger and upset. My house was still tenanted at that time but only a few weeks away from being empty. I started making all the necessary practical plans.

We carried on going to Relate, and we moved our appointments to weekly rather than fortnightly as I thought it could help us to move forward and might persuade DP that I was serious about continuing a relationship together where I could stop being upset about his behaviour and we could go back to enjoying each others company without the fraughtness of living with the constant trauma caused by his parenting/difficult ex/spoilt children.

My house is still empty but I am not living there. DP has had a BIG, BIG shock. He has had to open his eyes and listen and has heard not just me, but the counsellor telling him that no other woman will put up with his parenting style and that he is teaching his children some very bad lessons by not parenting them consistently and fairly and he is failing them and himself.

He has also been on a parenting course run through the courts and I can honestly say he is like a different man. He has admitted he has had to learnt to parent his DSD who came to live with us and not be "weekend dad" anymore, he has asked for my support on how to be a "proper parent like you are". We have regular, consistent contact set up between DSD and her Mum despite her whinges of not wanting to go because it's boring or other such insignificant moans. DP has pushed her to do it despite feeling protective and scared of losing her because he knows that is what is best for her. He is also pulling her up on her manners and lack of respect and doing this with the other DSC too, without any prompting from me.

I, in turn am also standing up to the children and not putting up with rudeness (and then running to DP to complain). I have learnt to put myself first and that I should expect respect and manners from ALL the children and make it happen. Eldest DSD, who I found to be so incredibly rude in the past, is like my new best friend now! grin It's not easy and it's not my "default setting" but I am trying and am happy with the results I am seeing.

I have had many chats with DS and he is happy to be living with DP and with DSD. A lot of my feelings of "losing him" are because he is growing up and changing and also because of my own issues and insecurities. DP is working with me on this and ensuring I get some SC free time with DS every week and accepting that is what I need and that DS needs this too.

We are both very aware that DSC have issues with expressing emotions partly because of the constant warring between their parents (they have told us they don't give any opinions for fear of causing another argument) but also because DP and his ex never show their feelings to the children. Both of us are trying to address this by talking and involving the children in things and talking about our own feelings and being more open.

DP is standing up to his ex and doing his best to take some of her "control" over our lives away. She is famous for not replying to e-mails or ignoring comments in the contact book and keeping us waiting not knowing what we are doing. DP is now giving her a chance to respond, and if she does not, tells her that as he has had no reply, X will be happening as per his original suggestion. All this has been off his own back. He has also said that going to court after 7 years is the best thing he has done (can't say too much as it's ongoing at the moment) and it makes him feel that he has a say and rights and is not beholden to his ex's whims anymore.

DP's relationship with DS is much, much better and I think this actually has more to do with DSD living with us than anything else, but I have stopped feeling protective over DS because of DP snapping at him because DP now makes real efforts to communicate with him and I feel that he is now a positive influence on DS. I also now feel comfortable with DP correcting DS on his behaviour because he is also being positive with him. DS has commented to me (with no prompting) that he has noticed that his relationship with DP is much better and I have witnessed the results in that DS now really talks to DP rather than just grunting at him!

So, to sum it all up, I feel positive about a future living with DP. We can really talk about things now and DP has completely lost the "brick wall" that I used to hit everytime I tried to communicate my feelings. However, I do feel that our relationship is like a little, delicate plant and it's going to need a lot of nurting and care to grow into a big old tree.

My house is going to stay empty until after Christmas, when I will then (all being well) look at getting tenants for another 6 month tenancy.

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