Sooo cross - DD's Dad's girlfriend has told my daughter the facts of life

(45 Posts)
zanywany Mon 29-Oct-12 11:37:55

I am fuming. My DD9 has just come back from her overnight stay with her Dad and his girlfriend has decided to give my daughter a chat about sex and the facts of life! Bit of background, I have a DS12 and DD9 and I split from my XH 6 years ago. He has been with this girlfriend for 2 years, she has a DS9 and they are about to move in together. I am engaged and 5 months pregnant, my fiancee has 2 ds's.

I feel that she has taked away from me a special mother/daughter 'talk' and I wanted to be able to expain things to her not someone else. Also I haven't had this chat with her yet as I don't feel that she is ready at the moment and she hasn't been asking any questions (she is a huge chatterbox so if she was curious she would ask). My XH was in the room when this was going on but didn't say anything.

As a step parent to be myself I would never do this and I feel angry that she has crossed what is in my mind an unwritten boundary!

EmpressOfTheSevenScreams Mon 29-Oct-12 11:43:15

YABU, I'd be livid.

Who's told you what about this, though?

EmpressOfTheSevenScreams Mon 29-Oct-12 11:43:30

Sorry, YANBU.

DawnOfTheDee Mon 29-Oct-12 11:45:57

No experience of step-parents but is it possible your DD might have asked your ex's girlfriend a question. Maybe she is getting curious but might be embarrassed to talk about it?

What has your DD said about it? Was she bothered/interested/embarrassed by the chat?

I agree though that all things being equal this should have been left for you to deal with. As the damage has been done maybe you could now talk to your DD and see if she has any question.

YANBU but you unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it. I am not sure you should be kicking up a big fuss about it, at least not in front of DD. What good what it do both in terms of your relationships as parents and DD's attitude to sex?

Best you can do is to talk to your ex and ask that this sort of thing never happens again.

whattodoo Mon 29-Oct-12 11:50:41

I'd be fuming too.

But, do you know how the subject came up? Maybe it was a conversation on an unrelated topic that touched on the subject and your ex's HG was 'cornered' into the conversation.

How did your DD feel afterwards? Have you chatted to her more about the subject and reassured her she can always come to you if she needs to talk?

I'd let your ex know you are dissappointed that this happened , particularly ad you didn't feel DD was ready, and that you'd expect he and GF to let you handle it in future if poss. Don't turn it into a big row though, what's done is done.

zanywany Mon 29-Oct-12 11:58:07

My DS told me when the 3 of us were out with the dog after I picked them up. He always tells me the truth whereas my DD as lovely as she is does tend to put a spin on things at times. She did seem a bit embarrased about it and I have said that the 2 of us will sit down to talk (we have had a houseful since) and go over the child friendly book which my DS has.

I texted XH and said in a very nice diplomatic way that I didn't feel that it was her place to discuss things like this with her, especially as I didn't feel she was ready, and could she please leave things like this to me/us in future. He replied that DD was in the same room when his girlfriend talked to her DS so basically couldn't be helped. A bit of a cop out in my opinion as they could have gone to a different room to discuss.

Sorry for the rant, I have bit my tongue so many times so as not to upset the relationship between us all but have been feeling increasingly as though she is trying to be the 'Mum' to my daughter even when I am standing next to her and both her and my ex keep undermining me to my DC's.

DawnOfTheDee Mon 29-Oct-12 12:03:04

Well done for keeping your cool!

I think you're entitled to have a rant tbh....they were out of line.

Fairylea Mon 29-Oct-12 12:03:11

I can understand why you're upset but at 9 I would put money on your dd knowing a lot more than you think ! Even if she doesn't talk to you about it... for example she would be in my dds class at school and all her group of friends know everything there is to know! I've overheard chats etc. My dd has known the facts since she was about 5 onwards.

I think unless you have reason to dislike the woman personally it was just one of those things, especially as she was talking to her son. I think it would have been worse for your dd to have to leave the room... maybe she was curious and asked some questions ?

Ah right, well, in that case then I'm afraid I think maybe you are being a wee bit unreasonable. If gf's ds asked her a question, and she was trying to answer it honestly, without turning it into a big deal and going off into another room to have THE TALK, then it's just a shame that your dd was listening in. It's not quite the same as gf sitting your dd down for THE TALK.
I can understand why you're a bit hacked off, but it doesn't sound as though this was an attempt - deliberate or otherwise - to undermine you.

zanywany Mon 29-Oct-12 12:06:08

Thanks for your replies.

I have been very calm and non confrontational in my response to my XH as I don't want this to then mean that she will blank me for months which is what she did after I asked for her to not threaten to smack my DD or say 'You might get away with this with your Mum but not me'. I think it is worth to bite your tongue at most things for the sake of a pleasant relationship at pick up/drop off.

I have reassured my DD that she can come to me with any questions and hopefully she will although it would be nice if her timing is better than her brother who used to ask me 'Mum, whats a BJ' whilst I was cooking dinner grin

zanywany Mon 29-Oct-12 12:08:31

I can see what you are saying 2blessed that it started off as her son asking a question but I think I am annoyed at the fact that it then ended up with her having 'the talk' with both of them. I don't think I would be so annoyed if my DD was just in the room listening to an answer to just a question

DawnOfTheDee Mon 29-Oct-12 12:15:24

Am intrigued as to your answer to the 'Mum, what's a BJ?' question....grin

Kaluki Mon 29-Oct-12 12:21:23

YANBU - I would be fuming too.
I recently had to tell my DS who is 9 about sex and he honestly didn't have a clue about any of it. I only had to tell him because they were doing it at school and I wanted him to hear it from me, not his friends.
I am stepmum to 2 dc and I would never discuss sex with either of them. In fact recently my DS(12) and DSS (10) were sniggering about condoms in front of DS(9) and DSD (8) and I told them both off because the younger two didn't know what they were on about and I didn't want to explain it to either of them.
There is a time and a place for talking about these things and your DDs stepmum should have been more sensitive. She could have told her son they will discuss it later, that isn't making it a big deal.
But I have to admit to saying "'You might get away with this with your Mum but not me" at times although I would never smack or threaten them like your exs fiancee does. That is crossing the line.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 29-Oct-12 12:21:59

If your DD had come home upset saying that her DSM and DSBr had excluded her from a private chat that SM told her that she couldn't be involved in - how would you feel?
If your DD had come home saying that her DSBr had been telling her things about sex that his mum had told him about - what then?

I understand that you are upset - but tbh, you don't have the luxury of parenting your DD exclusively the way that you want to; she is a member of two families, and if one family think its time she knew these things, then your decision not to tell her will inevitably be over-ridden sad

zanywany Mon 29-Oct-12 12:24:29

grin I asked him what he thought it meant and when he explained I said that yes he was right it was what he said, then I asked if he wanted peas or beans with his dinner grin

I just think that she was probably in a no-win situation. Trying to keep it casual, with a straightforward answer, in simple language, to not make it into a big deal....being asked a follow up question....
I'm not saying she was right, but it would probably have made it more than it was if she'd said "zanydd, off you go while I talk to ds" or "ds, I will talk to you later".
In my experience of answering those questions, it needs to be done straight away, if you try and talk later - even if it suits you better - you get "oh mum, nooo" and a lot of squirming and daft giggling!
If gf has previous for interfering then I can see why you would be fed up though.

zanywany Mon 29-Oct-12 12:31:54

I can see your point DADM and I have probably been wrong in thinking that I should be the one to do that part of parenting, mainly because my XH isn't very good at explaining things and would be embarrased talking about sex to our DC's, I just didn't think his girlfriend would step in for him but that they would leave it to the other parent, me.

When my DS's friends started talking about sex and he asked me questions then I knew it was time for me explain so that he didn't come home with his facts of life knowledge coming from other children. I guess I just didn't think my DD was at that same point from friends or her DSBr.

I think I will try and forget about how she found out now and move on as what's done is done.

The comment 'now I know how the baby in your tummy was made now' didn't help grin

MsMadelineashton Mon 29-Oct-12 13:25:50

I can see why you were annoyed, but I think it's more "unfortunate" than a deliberate attempt to undermine you, or steal a precious moment.

I don't really understand what you mean by "the talk" does this really actually happen in real life!?

To me if there is "a talk" it will happen at around 13/14 and be to do with feelings and the emotional complexities of entering a sexual relationship - is that what you mean? If so, I agree this should have happened with you. And that she is too young for her step mother to have done this without checking with Dad, and being a girl he really should have defaulted to you.

But if you mean the "babies happen when a mans sperm is put in to a woman's womb from penis to vagina and fertilises an egg which grows in to a baby" then she probably assumed that at 9 your dd knew that already. My dd knows the gist of that at 6. To me that's a simple biological explanation that doesn't need to come from anyone in particular, as long as it is accurate and the child knows that they can ask questions.

If her son was being told then it makes sense for dd to know too because they'll talk and better she hears it from a trusted adult. Dad should have updated you in what had been said though. Rather than you find out through your son.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 29-Oct-12 13:27:18

Not wrong to think that, necessarily - if you have a positive, successful co-parenting relationship, them you would each allow the other to parent your DD to your strengths and she would receive the best possible parenting that the two if you could offer together.

But , it rarely happens like that - and if it doesn't, then the reality is that both parents can independently parent their DCs - often against the judgment of the other.

MsMadelineashton Mon 29-Oct-12 13:28:08

Thinking about it, I feel for SM - she was put on the spot by her ds and probably felt uncomfortable but did what she thought was right at the time - cringe!!

zanywany Mon 29-Oct-12 14:16:26

I'm in 2 minds MsMadeline as to whether it is just a case of answering questions when my DD was there or whether she did attempt to 'steal a precious moment' I prefer to give people the benefit of doubt but have been having increasing problems with my XH and his girlfriend undermining me and putting me down to my DC's, to the point that my DS feels uncomfortable at having to defend me alot of the time.

I have done alot of talking/supporting with my DC's in the last year to help to improve their relationship with their dad and his girlfriend (up until 6 months ago they would be in tears when I picked them up saying the never wanted to go back and were really unhappy with them) so I think the least they could do is back down on the negative comments about me. Sorry probably going off the original thread now.

MsMadelineashton Mon 29-Oct-12 14:42:41

Oh definitely. If you arrived at the sex-talk situation with no existing issues you'd probably feel very differently. What are the negative comments and how do you handle it?

Could you sit down with your ex and talk about it? What is happening there that they are crying and not wanting to leave you!? 9 and 12 are pretty grown up to be so traumatised by visiting dad. Forgive me but if they were mine I would be seeking some help. Nothing heavy, but talking through their problems with someone who is removed from the situation could help. If step mum is being negative about you, and this upsets you, they are probably feeling disloyal to you when they go there which is unhealthy.

livinglife Mon 29-Oct-12 14:46:41

I feel for you but I've asked my husbands ex wife how she would like me to handle DSS's period in the event it happens when she is here and also wanted to know what she has told her daughter about the facts of life so I could deliver the same message. She has refused to let me know and has basically said it has nothing to do with me and in the ever her period arrives her dd will speak to her father. Something he is not comfortable with. We are having DSS a lot over the next few months and I want to get it right and not give her conflicting messages should her period arrive when she's with us. I feel I'm in a no win situation. I've tried to respect her mothers role but also want her to know she can talk to me and not feel embarrssed.

MsMadelineashton Mon 29-Oct-12 15:09:25

Your dss is having a period confused tee hee

I was constantly told I was to have nothing to do with giving dsd any advice or support etc then the day her period came (aged 10) she called me and asked me to come home from work because she'd told her mother and her mother wasn't happy to come and collect her from ours until the usual time which was 4 hours later. Dsd wasn't comfortable with talking to her dad.

Thank goodness I was there. And thank goodness my dd has a wonderful sm who will step up for sure if it happens to dd on her watch.

If I'm honest, I would rather it happens with me and nearer the time ill ask sm if she can please call me when it does. I will drop everything for dd and sm will be happy for me to. We both put dd before our egos. Thankfully.

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