The art of manipulation...

(11 Posts)
NotaDisneyMum Wed 24-Oct-12 18:14:04

..or how to ensure the NRP looks bad angry

Last week, when DSS came home from school on one of his contact days, he brought a letter about the planned school residential. Standard stuff, deposit by next week secures a place, monthly payments acceptable to spread the cost.

DP emailed ex to let her know and to try and talk about the cost - but ex cut him dead and said she already knew about it from the school and would talk to DSS about it when he went back to hers.

Fast forward to today - DP has received an email from his ex, telling him that DSS does want to go, and this requires a 50% contribution from him, that should be paid monthly into her bank account. shock

I don't think so!!! The irony is that DP and I had already discussed it over the weekend and agreed that we would pay the full cost of the trip - but no way are we doing that now! I say we in terms of payment because DP has been unemployed since last year so I'm the only income earner - and his ex has refused financial support in the past because its my money!

So, either DP does as he's told, or his ex will tell DSS that he can't go on the trip because Dad wouldn't pay his share. Meanwhile, she's presenting the public image of the poor struggling single mum because she's paying the full cost of the trip herself - even though DP is paying his share directly to her!

DP is going to pay half, in full, directly to the school tomorrow, and then email his ex to tell her that is what he's done. I would love him to add a one liner saying we'd have paid it all if she hadn't been so dictatorial - but I'm PMT'ing and its probably not a good idea!

Grrr angry

brdgrl Wed 24-Oct-12 18:15:47

Good for your DP - that sounds like exactly the right solution. (I'd be unable to resist letting her know she'd shot herself in the foot, though!)

purpleroses Wed 24-Oct-12 19:46:22

He could go one up, really couldn't he - and tell her that you've kindly paid half grin - but agree that what you've done is probably more diplomatic

MsMadelineashton Thu 25-Oct-12 05:50:18

Eurghh horrible. Great plan re paying the school directly. And great that he's had the opportunity to do that for dss, I imagine he must feel crap about her not letting your family contribute towards dss. Unless, it would seem, she decides she would like to request money to be deposited in to her bank account in her terms angry

NotaDisneyMum Thu 25-Oct-12 10:17:32

We've supported DSS in other ways - but in terms of DSD it has been difficult - although DPs ex hasn't changed her standard of living or lifestyle at all despite not receiving CM and losing her tax credits earlier this year when the threshold changed.
Actually, that's not true - she has changed her lifestyle a little bit - she's increased the guilt-trips she places on the DCs every time they need new clothes/shoes etc, telling them how broke she is and how she can't afford them sad

When DSS brought the letter about the trip home, he said that he wouldn't be able to go because his mum wouldn't be able to afford it. sad In almost the same breathe, he asked if we could have takeout from a pizza place that his mum uses! DP took the opportunity to do some mental arithmetic with DSS and they worked out that if we had one takeout pizza a week between now and when the school trip takes place, it would costs the same as the school trip does wink

Kaluki Thu 25-Oct-12 12:41:41

We had something similar last year for DSS's residential trip.
Ex told DP the cost and he agreed to pay half. He wanted to pay it in one go and she wanted to do instalments so she insisted he give her his half and she would square up the rest monthly. Alarm bells rang so he called the school to double check. Guess what - she had added £100 to his half of the cost of the trip!!
He paid his half direct to the school and she spend the next few months pleading poverty and making DSS feel guilty. If she'd only asked nicely he wouldn't have minded paying more, its the sneaky way she goes about things.

NotaDisneyMum Thu 25-Oct-12 13:00:21

OMG! Yet another reason for your DP to have in independent relationship with the school -so they can inform him directly about things. Cheeky moo!

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Fri 26-Oct-12 16:44:09

You know what I love about MN? Its the fact I come on here all ready to post a long ranty thread and discover someone else has the same problems as me!

Not that I'm glad you have a pain in the arse ex to deal with too NADM just that I have had the same thing over DSS's school trip, ex has told dss that he can't go because mummy has no money and that daddy won't pay, DP didn't even know about the bloody trip because the school keep forgetting to send duplicate letters to dp, daddy can't afford to pay because he pays mummy an extortionate amount of money every month and despite me saying I would pay it all in one go mummy isn't happy because, and I quote "I'm not having 'her' pay for anything"..... Who does she think it was who paid for her daughters glasses, her sons new shoes and the whole bloody school uniform for both her children at the start of term when she told DP the day before term started that he would need to pay for it all??????

She earns twice as much as me and dp combined and has enough money to buy dominoes once a week, go out and get drunk every weekend and pay for expensive weekends away whenever we have the kids, just no money when it is for anyone but herself angry

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Fri 26-Oct-12 16:44:48

Sorry that turned into a rant blush

MsMadelineashton Fri 26-Oct-12 17:12:02

Rant away my dear!

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Fri 26-Oct-12 18:36:01

I actually feel better for getting all that out grin

I love my DSC and don't begrudge them anything, I have just paid £60 to fill my dp's car up with petrol so that he can go and pick them up (we live the other end of the country) because ex decided this morning that she couldn't be bothered to drive half way to meet DP for the handover like she normally does so sent a text saying 'you are welcome to have the kids but you will have to pick them up from home because I can't afford the petrol" she could however afford pizza express last night and chinese on wednesday which has left me spitting feathers because the money spent on that would easily have covered the cost of petrol angry i however now need to decide which dd to cancel because she also won't drive half way to pick them up so I have to find an extra £60.

Sorry nadm I didn't mean to hijack your thread I'm just really stressed and fed up, I try hard to be a good sm, I like my sc and they seem to like me, I make sure they never go without anything, I've spent a fortune turning what was once my office into a nice bedroom for them, i respect the fact that she insists that she never wants to meet me so am never there at handovers, I never undermine her to the children, what more am I supposed to do? The amount of anger she has towards me just doesn't make sense I've never done anything to her.

DP has just phoned he got stuck in traffic so is still 30mins away from them which means it will be gone 10pm when they get back, when will she figure out that its always the children that suffer when she plays her stupid games sad

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