What to do when step child wants his parents back together?

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH has two children, aged 8 and 10.

He has been split from their mother for around 3 years.

When the children were at on house on the weekend, i'd gone out to see my mum.

The 10year old asked DH when me and DH were going to "ditch" each other??

DH was very shocked and explained to DSS that when you get married (im his first wife) that its for life and you dont leave each other.

DSS then said he wanted his mum and dad to get back together so he could see his dad all the time again. (DSS has never said this in the 3 years that his parents havent been together).

DSS and DSD then went onto explain that they werent happy at home, but wouldnt explain why.

Im very shocked that DSS wants to "get rid of me."

How would you deal with this?

[taxiforme]

Poor you, its awful.

I can't give an answer but I can only empathise with you and say it's common.

Its one of the dirty secrets of being a SM, no one tells you about. I had the same happen and it blindsided me to think that DSD wanted her mum (who left DH for another man) and DH to get back together- its plain for all to see that they are incompatible and life would be hell! They just don't see it that way in their child like analysis. They want things to go back like they were.

My DSD was 12 when she came out with this, that she had made a spell (she was mucking about with some stuff from the Eden project) and when I asked what it was (a dad anti fart spell? a million pound spell?) she whispered that she couldnt tell me but she would tell dad.

Turns out it was she was wishing her mum and dad got back together. This was just before we got married. DSS now 12, came out with something similar saying a photo of them with DH and me "wasnt the taxi family" as "mum wasnt on it". I was SO hurt as it was in front of all my family one of whom had said "oh what a lovely photo of the taxi family". He said it again when the photo was on FB.

Their Mum is now remarried to the other man and seemingly happy.

[LittleSugaPlum]

It is awful and i feel sort of "pushed out" sad for an adult to feel like that i know.

I was quite hurt TBH, they dont even say hello to me anymore, even why i achknowledge them, they just dont respond.

So now i say "hello DSD" and i get no reply, just looked at.
So i then say "Hello littlesugaplum" and leave it at that.

I mention it to DH and he says "They probaly didnt hear you" and he leaves it at that.

Its so rude to be ignored in your own home, but i keep reminding myself that they are kids and they dont know any better.

[TitWillow]

I think you have to acknowledge that it is a perfectly normal and common feeling for a child to have, and not a reflection on you at all. Most children would choose to have happy, together parents.

Maybe you could sit down an have a chat with them and explain that you understand how they feel, and that in their position, you would probably feel the same, but that adult relationships are complicated, and unfortunately they sometimes don't work out the way people want them to.

Tell them that their parent's separation doesn't change how they feel about them, and that you are not there to replace anybody, that you are an extra person who can be there and will care for them, and be a friend for them when they need it.

And then give them some time, space and understanding. They will come round in time.

I know its hard, but they are children, its nothing personal. Keep going, part of this may be them testing you to see if you are really committed - will she still be there for us even when I push her away?

[LittleSugaPlum]

good point tit, i suppose it was a shock as they have never said anything like that before.

[bamboostalks]

Well, it was quite demeaning to your dsc that your husband chose to explain himself in this way. So he won't leave you because you're married yet he was quite happy to leave their mother although he had children with her....a fairly awesome commitment and one which he cannot walk away from, unlike a child free marriage.
Most children of divorce feel this way at some point, they may or may not be unhappy at home. Not necessarily personal although hurtful. It sounds as if your dh is not confronting the issues around him.

[catsmother]

Bloody hell .... at 8 and 10 children should know the very basic courtesies like hello and goodbye. If I'd consistently failed to acknowledge an adult in that way my mum and dad would have been furious. That's the problem so far as that particular issue is concerned - that your DP isn't taking them to task over this. There really isn't any excuse ... I'll buy the "they didn't hear you" on odd occasions but not all the time. He's allowing them to be rude and contemptuous by not sorting this out.

[LittleSugaPlum]

DH said what he said was:

"Me and youre mum was never right together (they werent married) and thats why we arent together now. I love littlesugaplum and she loves me and when you love someone very much, you marry them and its forever. Mum is happy with (fellas name) and im happy with littlesugaplum.

Apparently DSS just said ok.

It makes you feel sort of "in the way"

[LittleSugaPlum]

cats when i mentioned about them ignoring me, he replied that the kids havent been taught to achknowledge people.

So i said to DH that its all part of parenting teaching them that, to which he replied that its there mothers fault for not teaching them that as she has them all the time!

I bollocked him for that and said it wasnt just her fault but the pair of them!

[NotaDisneyMum]

It sounds like you are dealing with two different issues.

One is your DHs reluctance to parent his DCs, leaving it all to their mum because either: it's easier or he's scared that they won't like him if he does. You deserve better.

The second issue - your DSC wishing their parents back together - is perfectly normal but horribly hurtful
Both my DD and DSS have wished this when asked by a youth counsellor what they wanted if they could wave a magic wand, and both were prepared to share it with us, as well.

DSS in particular had created a fantasy of what life would be like - he doesn't remember his parents together. Interestingly, his fantasy eliminated the need for his grandma to care for him while his mum worked - he envisioned a life where either his mum or his dad cared for him and DSD while the other worked. His imagination hadn't extended to them spending time all together as a family, though - so it wasn't about recreating a nuclear family, it was about eliminating something he didn't enjoy from his life.

[LittleSugaPlum]

I think regarding the parenting, its easier to not admit fault, and blame the other parent. I dont think anyone likes to feel they are failing at being a parent, and if the blame is pushed on the other person, it doesnt make you feel bad maybe?

They have said they are unhappy, so maybe thats why they are saying this?

[AhoySailor]

I wouldn't worry too much about it LittleSugaPlum ... me and DP have been through this too and DP took charge of it and had a chat with his son. DP's son doesn't really want his parents back together, he just wants to see his dad more, but mummy restricts access to the barest minimum for DP seeing his son.

I know it's hurtful ... DP has had to have a few discussions with his son on a few issues this weekend also, and we think he is starting to understand most of it.

I felt 'pushed out' a lot of the time too, but thankfully DP is actually starting to parent his son more (not just be his 'mate' and allow him to run riot ... they used to have what I called the 'boys club', where I felt excluded), and things are getting easier ... slowly!

His son also used to 'forget' to say hello or would actually be blatantly rude and not talk to me, but DP is now picking up on all this 'behaviour' and is dealing with it, as and when it comes along.

Hopefully your DH will be able to chat to them and sort all of this out.

[purpleroses]

I think the reason it seems hurtful is because we interpret comments like that through adult's eyes - which understand that if their paretns got back together there'd be no room for us in the family. But that's not necessarily how the kids are seeing it at all - when they say they wish their parents back together they quite often have a fantasy that still involves step parents living their too!

Both my kids have gone through phases of saying they wished we all lived together - when I said that ex's DW might not be very happy about me moving in with them - DS said "but you'd all fit - Dad has a large bed"

Mostly it's a fantasy - They're not saying that they wish their stepparents weren't in their lives - but that's what we infer if we try and envisage how it would actually happen.

And for both of my kids it does seem to have been a thing that came up and went away again - they rarely mention it now.

[AimingForElegant]

My DP's DD (I'm not sure if I'm at the DSS/DSD point yet!) has echoed purpleroses's DC sentiments; she said "But why can't you and Daddy and Mummy all live together? I'm sure you'd all fit."

I'd also agree with purpleroses's first point too; she just misses Mummy/Daddy whenever she is with one and not the other, and in her world then she'd see them more if they were together. It took me a while to get over my own feelings that she just didn't want me in the picture; everything else she does and the way she is with me is completely contrary to that.

[AnitaBlake]

DSd went through a phase of this, DH and ex were split up before she was born. Hurtful but normal sadly.

In the Os case though it sounds more like they want more contact?

[OldernotWiser47]

My DP DD was 18 and still said that. Her DM has a live in gay partner, they had not been together for over 10 years! He was

[overthehillmum]

My son said that he wanted me and his dad back together when he was 9, i was quite shocked as we had been apart for 3 years and never spoke to each other after the first year. He was very vocal about how he hated his dads new girlfriend and if she wasnt about then we could "make up". No idea where it came from, i sat and spoke to him about how we both loved him and stressed it was nothing to do with the new girlfriend, i didnt realise that he had even been thinking about mum and dad living together again. To be honest i think if my ex had shown more interest in my son he would have been happier, not say thats the case with your partner, just musing.

[ProbablyJustGas]

My DSD has said "I wish Mummy and Daddy were back together" before. She also has an album of my DH's first wedding photos, which she likes to look at once in awhile and doesn't quite fathom why I am not interested in looking at it with her.

I know it hurts, but try not to take it personally when your SS says this. AFAIK, it is really normal for divorced kids to want their folks to get back together, even when they love their step-parents dearly and would actually hate to see them go. In my DSD's case, she wanted DH and ExW to get back together - depsite being fond of both me and her mother's partner - because "that way I won't miss you when I'm with Mummy or miss Mummy when I'm with you". Had nothing to do at all with the step-parents, only with her own feelings. She just wanted everyone to live in a great big house and be best friends.

DH was very calm when DSD spoke to him about her feelings and he just said, matter-of-factly, "I'm sorry, but that's never going to happen". No guilt-tripping DSD for feeling that way, no anger with her for feeling that way, just reinforcing reality.

Maybe there are some security issues on your stepson's part just now, too? DSD still has trouble understanding why Dad and ExW got married and then broke up, but Dad and PJG got married and won't break up. It will take years before she is emotionally mature enough to explain to her satisfaction, though.

[mumzy]

Just reiterating what others have said. It's a perfectly normal human reaction in children and no reflection on you. Despite the messiest, most hurtful divorce most children would wish for their parents to be back together in a heartbeat.