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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

I have taken a vow of silence

20 replies

glasscompletelybroken · 03/08/2012 15:19

come and sit with me in quiet ponderance and help me stick to it.

I have always known really that nothing in this house is any of my business but the penny now seems to have finally really dropped in my head.

From now on I have no opinions on anything to do with DH & his dc's that I will share with him or them.

My lips are sealed.

Honest...

Well I'm really going to try...

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Petal02 · 03/08/2012 15:32

I tried this last summer. I decided to detach, and resign myself gracefully to the insanity around me. Initially it created a calmer atmosphere, but ultimately I got really bad head aches and high BP.

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theredhen · 03/08/2012 15:34

Good luck with that. I tried it once and lasted about half an hour until dp sarcastically stomped off saying "thanks for your support".

I think we all have to learn to be supportive when it's what our dp's want to hear and shut up when it's not what they want to hear!

Silly me, I thought I was allowed an opinion as an adult who contributes to our home life in lots of ways, but as a step parent I've come to realise that only certain opinions are welcome.

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glasscompletelybroken · 03/08/2012 15:36

Yes that may happen but I am really going to try as what I have been doing is not working and I'm sick of getting my head bitten off!

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glasscompletelybroken · 03/08/2012 15:37

Oh yes Redhen - I used to think their was some value to my opinion but - silly me - there really isn't!

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Purplemonster · 03/08/2012 15:40

Ooh then you're a stronger woman than me, my resolve to keep my mouth shut because how other people choose to drag up raise their children isn't my business lasted not very long at all!

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theredhen · 03/08/2012 15:50

So what's going on for you then?

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Kaluki · 03/08/2012 17:06

I tried and failed miserably at this!
The quieter I was the lazier DP got and the worse the SDC behaved until I hit meltdown !
You can only bite your tongue for so long!
I nearly bit mine off completely!

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humptydidit · 03/08/2012 20:33

at image of all these half chewed tongues littering the houses of blended families all over the world!!!

glass I'm going to pour myself a large and sending one your way!!

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glasscompletelybroken · 03/08/2012 20:34

Well it's the summer holidays and it seems I'm not supposed to ask what is happening and when the dsd's will be here. Anything I say I get accused of moaning. I just want to be treated as an equal member of this family but in reality I'm not. The fact is - DH is everyones favourite person in this house and I am bottom of everyones list.

I know I sound childish but I just want to matter a bot more.

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glasscompletelybroken · 03/08/2012 20:35

Thanks for the wine Humpty - looks like I have already been at it, "bit" not "bot"!!

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humptydidit · 03/08/2012 20:59

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Lala1980 · 03/08/2012 21:06

Oh poor you Glass - I ended up trying to disengage last time the kids were here, as apparantly one of them said they didn't like me as I tell him off, and they don't get told off at home, so I thought if they don't want to stay with us because of me, DP will finish with me, and I can't be involved with them without occasionally needing to discipline, or be left in sole charge without having to pull them up if only for safety reasons, and I can't watch feeding time at the zoo without trying to help with table manners, so I basically went out for the whole weekend. Disaster. DP said it was the worst weekend in our relationship, it made him not enjoy his time with his kids, and he didn't want 2 separate parts of his life, and basically if I didn't get MY act together, we were finished. Needless to say I worry that my disengaging will finish us, so I'm really trying hard this weekend...
Good luck Glass it's not easy! FOR YOU!

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olibeansmummy · 03/08/2012 21:37

Kaluki that's exactly what my dh did! Grrrrr

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glasscompletelybroken · 04/08/2012 12:28

DH just wants us to be one big happy family doing things together but it can't be like that if one member of the family is not equal and is not allowed to discipline the kids.

I have to try this as I am fed up with the looks and comments when I do say anything. I know that DH wants it to be pefect and I want that too but in reality it's just really hard. he doesn't see a problem and thinks I should just be able to enjoy the time we have his kids and leave the discipline to him. The problem is that our parenting styles are different and things that matter to me don't matter to him.

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Kaluki · 04/08/2012 12:35

OMG Lala!! I would be finishing with HIM in that situation!
What is wrong with these idiots men?

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ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 04/08/2012 12:50

Lala - really?? I'd have told him to Fuck Right Off - why on earth are you letting him treat you like that :(

Glass - 'leave the discipline to him' explain to him that YOU are an adult and the children are in YOUR home (as well as his) and ANY children in YOUR home will be disciplined by you as necessary. End of. He needs to realise that whilst you might not be their mother, YOU are an adult and they are children. You can't live in an environment where you feel you don't matter - you need to talk to your DH and make him see how you feel, how it's going to affect your relationship and explain to him that if things don't change he's going to end up alone....

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glasscompletelybroken · 04/08/2012 14:33

The problem is that when he was with his (very bullying and controlling) exW he had to do things her way all the time with the kids. Now he is out of that relationship he wants to do it his way and I do understand that.

I have tried many times to explain how it makes me feel but it isn't a conversation that ever ends well for me so I don't try anymore. TBH I think he feels a bit let down by my inability to cope with it all - although he has never said this.

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ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 04/08/2012 18:35

OK - so his ex was bullying and controlling... this doesn't mean you have to be invisible in your own home so he can get the control he didn't have then. Maybe try talking to him about deciding between you what the rules/boundaries are and both reinforcing them. I know what you are saying about not having a conversation that generally doesn't end well for you... but this path isn't going to end well either is it?!

If he feels 'let down by your inability to cope with it' then he needs to grow up and take a look at his behaviour. Sidelining you is not the answer.

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NotaDisneyMum · 05/08/2012 00:04

So having been bullied and controlled by an abusive ex, he's decided that in his relationship with you he will take charge and expects you to put up with it or he'll leave?

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glasscompletelybroken · 05/08/2012 09:08

No he won't leave and would never threaten it.

I often read the threads on here and think what good advice you all give and I think what you say here is true and nothing I don't know really.

The trouble is - in real life DH is the lovliest person I have ever met and I know that he genuinly doesn't understand why I find it hard to just step back and let him do the parenting. I have tried on numerous occassions in the past 5 years to discuss it with him but it doesn't end well so I am just going to really try completely backing off and saying nothing.

And yes it is very hard so far!