Is it fair to ask DSD to do chores?

[TwoPhotographs]

She is 12 and is here every second weekend as well as approximately half the school holidays (weeks at a time).

When she is here she literally doesn't lift a finger, and never has done. We have always done everything for her, but she is getting to the age now where I wonder if we should be asking her to take care of a few things. She has her own bedroom and bathroom - is it unreasonable to ask her to clean the sink occasionally and change her own sheets/dust surfaces?

I have discussed with DH on several occasions, and he always agrees with me, but nothing really ever gets done, or he will ask her to make her bed, and she does it once and then never does it again. I often go up to her room after she has left, and it is a bit untidy, then the next day I go in and it's been tidied up (DH has obviously done it to make it look like she has done it herself)

I can only imagine that he thinks that if he asks her to do these things that she will not want to come here, as he like that with a lot of other things.

I do understand how he must feel, but on the other hand, this is my house too, and I will ask my own DC to do these things once they are old enough, so I feel it would unfair to "let her off"?

I find it impossible trying to treat them all the same.

[brdgrl]

Of course it's fair and reasonable.

Your DH 'covering' for her is ridiclous and needs to stop. If he isn't truly on the same page with you about this, then it won't work. (And frankly, it will start to show in other ways as she gets older, too...)

I am a big fan of writing things down. You and your DH could agree on a few age-appropriate rules and responsibilities and post them; there shoudl be a consequence when things don't happen, too.

But you already know you are right! The problem is getting your DH to step up. :)

[TwoPhotographs]

Thank you for your reply

Well I suppose I feel I am right (otherwise I wouldn't be bothered), but sometimes I find it difficult to know the boundaries when it comes to DSD.

A lot of the time you hear that you should just leave it to your DH to deal with etc, which I do a lot of the time. I find it difficult to know what things I should leave to him, and what things I should implement myself.

For example, if she fails to do one of the tasks - is it ok for me to speak to her about it, or leave it to DH? (If I leave it to him, he will probably say, well, she's done everything else, or she didn't have time, or just do it himself and cover for her)

It often feels like a broken record talking to him - we discuss something and he agrees with me, he speaks to her about it, but then never follows up on it.
The result of this is that DSD knows that she can just not bother doing things and she will get away with it. It has been like this for the last 8 years so I'm just not sure whether he can change things now.

Anyway I think writing it down is a great idea. If it's there in black and white then there can't be any "forgetting" etc

[brdgrl]

A lot of the time you hear that you should just leave it to your DH to deal with etc, which I do a lot of the time. I find it difficult to know what things I should leave to him, and what things I should implement myself.

It might be different, because I live with the DSCs full-time (we have all lived together for a bit more than a year and a half) - but I generally feel like the deciding factor in whether I "implement" is whether it has anything directly to do with me (or my DD). When it comes to house rules, I do get involved directly (actually, less so than I should -I wish I had realised earlier that I needed to speak up more, because I should have just taken a more assertive role from the beginning of my relationship with the DSCs!). I am not a very assertive person, and I find it very difficult to tell the kids off so while I will now remind them about things, if it crosses the line and there is a 'consequence' (usually loss of pocket money), DH is still the enforcer. But the kids know that DH and I are (finally) in agreement about what the house rules are, so now I can say "please clear you dishes away from the television room" and they will actually do it most of the time. I have only rarely - and in the heat of an argument - been the one to actually announce a punishment.

When it comes to things that fall outside of 'house rules', I tend to be more behind-the-scenes, or to leave it to DH altogether.

If I had an exchange student or a nephew or a friend's child - let alone a DSC - coming to stay with us for extended or repeated visits, I would have expectations about their behaviour, and I would feel ok about asking them to tidy up their own areas, as well as sharing in some chores in the rest of the house - helping to wash up, or hoovering, or taking out rubbish - those are all things a 12 year old can do, and actually, making it clear to her that she is participating in family responsibilities - and isn't a guest - seems like a good thing.

We had a written jobs rota from the start - even began that at DH's house before we moved in together - and had agreed on consequences, etc...Still, it took ages and a lot of discussion (some of it heated!) before my DH really 'got it' and began to follow through consistently. He did all that stuff - 'not noticing' when things were not done; doing it for them on the sly; making excuses for them...he still finds it tough, honestly, but I think he is finally getting to understand that they need it, that they won't hate him for it (much), and that - honestly - life is much easier and nicer when they pitch in.

[theredhen]

It's not unreasonable to expect a 12 yr old to help around the house, at the very least to clear up after herself and take responsibity for her "things", in my opinion.

BUT you need your DH to be on board with it too. If not, you could find yourself getting very frustrated indeed. Sit down with him and talk about what he would like DD to be doing and how you can implement this and most importantly what the sanctions are if they're not done. Once you've agreed, you can sit down with DSD and discuss with her and she can have some input and you can agree to help her to start off with if you want to.

Inevitably DSD will slip up or "forget" and then you have to give a consequence, whether that be a gentle reminder at first, followed by a firmer reminder followed by taking away something that she wants to do. Ideally it should be DH that gives out the consequence, with you supporting and backing him up.

If your DH "gives in" and does things for DSD, you have a real uphill struggle because DSD will know that Dad won't enforce anything and will inevitably take the easy route out and do nothing.

[BrevilleTron]

When my DD (11) is here every other weekend. She does chores and has done for a while.

[HerRoyalNotness]

Put it this way to him, does he want his DD to be a guest in your home or does he want it to be her home too?

As a minimum I would expect her room to be kept tidy, bed made, especially tidied just before she goes home and I'd also expect her to help with/do the dishes. You could add helping with food preparation and putting out rubbish/recycling etc... as she goes along.

[flixy102]

Absolutely not unreasonable. My DSD (14) is only with us one day a week but knows she has to load/empty the dishwasher, set/ unset the dinner table etc. Those are 'her' things to do when she's here. As another poster said, she's not a guest in your house shes another household member so she should pull her weight

Does she get pocket money? Maybe you could try telling her that as she's getting older she needs to start 'earning' it.

[Eliza22]

My sd was 12 wheni first met her. She did nothing for herself andit continued into young adulthood. I got tired of looking at her dirty undies strewn about the floor (next to the linen basket) and told her to tidy it up..... Or I'd sort it out with the aid of a bin bag.

We haven't seen her since. That was a year ago.

Sort this now.

[Smurfy1]

DSD has just turned 11 she has just started to learn how to use the washing machine and to iron

She makes her own sandwiches and breakfast and tidies her room

My view is that I started at 11 and aslong as i make it fun (like it was for me) she is gaining life skills

[notsonambysm]

I don't think it's unreasonable. You and dp should sit down and write out her "chores" (in fact though, what you are suggesting isn't chores - its tidying up after herself) and decide what will happen if their not done. Tell him that if she doesn't do them, he can. Then learn the art of closing doors so you can't see the inevitable mess. How old are your kids? If there's a big gap hopefully they won't notice that she's been "let off" if that's what happens.
He's being a typical Disney dad sadly. But really... You will waste a lot of energy on this one. Could you get him a book about teens? There will always be resistance to chores, you need to be tough to see things through if you want them to do them and don't ever expect them to do things with a smile on there face.

[seeker]

"My view is that I started at 11 and aslong as i make it fun (like it was for me) she is gaining life skills"

It doesn't have to be "fun"! Great if it is, but by the age of 11, they should know that there is just stuff that needs to be done.

[emdelafield]

I have 2 teen DSs so some experience of the helping out battles.

How I approach it is by emphasising the benefits of taking on responsibility for

things,sense of achievement when a task( esp mowing the lawn) is done,being part of a family and supporting each other.

I don't refer to chores because I think that sounds negative and I do cut them a lot of slack when it comes to their own rooms.

Helping out discussions do not take place in the heat of the moment (no point) but rather when we are all feeling positive.

My sons are so far from perfect in lots of ways but I do feel that in this area we do fairly well. They want harmony and equity at home and are generally willing if not keen to help.

Good luck !

[NotaDisneyMum]

I've tried (and have finally admitted defeat) to try and instilled some independence and what I consider to be age appropriate responsibility in DSS (age 9) - and my DP is fully on board.

The problem I've found is that EOW is not frequent enough to establish any kind of routine or memory - so each time DSS is here, DP has to take him step by step through each task. We know why it is - he is not expected or allowed to do anything for himself with his mum, and the school he goes to doesn't prioritise independence, either! Poor boy is not going to be well equipped for the upcoming changes in his life - change of school, etc - he's still completely dependent on others to meet his needs and wants.

So, even if you do get your DP on side - it could be very frustrating for you to have to re-teach your DsD what to do every weekend - I've finally decided that it's not worth the effort!

[Smurfy1]

It doesn't have to be "fun"! Great if it is, but by the age of 11, they should know that there is just stuff that needs to be done.

very true but all backgrounds are different my dad used to make it a race etc between me and my sister

DSD background means I have to do things like that as we only got full custody of DSD in January and had to even teach her time, shoelaces and other age appropriate so we had to put in "fun" else she just got disheartened

[seeker]

But you said "as long as I make it fun" as if that was a condition of doing jobs.

As I said, great if it is, but it still needs doing even if it isn't.

[Theas18]

Family is family. Family mucks in and helps get everything done.

She should certainly be doing " her " bathroom and bedroom (esp if hey are " hers" all the time and not shared space) . She is very lucky to have this facility, but does it make her ferel more like a " hotel guest" though- just a thought?

[elvisaintdead]

We are a blended family and all the kids have chores when they are here. They are not huge just washing and drying up, tidying and vacuuming their own rooms. The oldest child (12) will bath the youngest child sometimes and the middle ones will read the youngest's bedtime stories and lay the table. The eldest will also nip to the shops sometimes too. Even the 2 year old clears their own place after dinner and is expected to tidy toys away.

On the flipside they all have a pocket money account here and sometimes get a "bonus" for helping without being asked incl sk's so everyones happy!

[NattyCraig]

My DSD is 3 and I expect her to do things around the house, pick up her washing and put in wash basket, but white clothes into the washing machine, wipe up around her place after dinner. tidy things away in her bedroom, help me do the dusting etc... As she grows up I will expect her to do more.

I don't think you can teach this sort of behaviour too early, and while it's tiny little things that take her no more than a minute or two I think it's important for her to learn to help out in the house.

With her baby brother arriving soon as well It'll be nice for her to help with baby too :)