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Step-parenting

Using blatantly different parenting styles with my DCs and DSD

6 replies

coolmango · 02/08/2012 15:19

DP and I discussed how we would raise our respective children together before moving in together. DP has 8 yr old DD and I have 13 yr old DS and 3 year old DD. We seemed to agree on everything from manners to bedtimes to discipline and I felt that once we started to live together things would progress smoothly as we were both working from the same page. How wrong I was.

DP sees DSD every other weekend and occasionally overnight during the week. DSD is essentially a good kid but the complete turnaround in parenting style when she is with us is starting to affect our relationship.

DSD is an extremely fussy eater. DP had told me she wasn't, and if you count the varied sweets and fast food she eats then I guess he would be correct. However when I have spent 2 hours making a sunday roast only to be informed that DSD and DP are going to McDonalds I get slightly peed off. DP expects my DCs to clean their plates and was actually telling off my DD for messing about with her lunch whilst DSD was spitting hers out onto the floor.

DSD will not sleep in her own bed. I find it a bit creepy sleeping with an 8 yr old and so end up on the sofa. Unfortunately as my DD wakes up at around 7am I have to wait till around 10.30am to get dressed as this is when my DP and DSD decide to rouse themselves.

DP allows DSD to spend the whole weekend in her PJs. If I decide to go somewhere and DSD wants to come along it then takes another hour for HIM to get her dressed.

DSD does not have a bedtime she will usually doze off around midnight on the sofa. This means no one else except her dad can sit on it from 8pm, although they actually spend most of the day lounging on it. Waiting for me to fetch them food, drink, sweets etc. Angry. DP says he likes to relax at weekends. GUESS WHAT? I wouldn't mind some relaxing too!

Unless DP is watching the TV we have to watch the Disney channel, even the repeats, because DSD wants to. This can be up to 11pm at night. Usually by this point I have had enough and retired to bed with wine and a book.

Dp constantly organises things without consulting me. I have been informed that I am going swimming this weekend. I know DP is going to cry off at the last moment and expect me to take DSD. (this also happens with going to the park, etc) To be honest I don't want to go to the freezing cold pool in our town but probably wouldn't have minded if he had thought to ask me first.

DSD has started tormenting my DD and this makes me uncomfortable leaving them alone together. DP tends to ignore this behaviour.

I have told DP that DSD needs to have a bedtime, in her own bed and whilst I am not going to cook something she does not particularly like, I expect her to at least try and eat something other than McDonalds. I will also not be watching the mind numbingly irritating Disney channel after 8pm as I would like to have some downtime at weekend.

DP has used the I only see her every other weekend, (actually more often than that and we have her for 3 weeks during the summer), and he wants her to have a 'fun' weekend. I can see his point, and deep down I think he is slightly embarrassed by some of her behaviour, (unable to use a knife and fork, belching and passing wind loudly when we eat out, lack of please and thank you, the constant whining and temper tantrums when told no).

It is unfair on the other children when he uses to blatantly different styles of parenting and I am quite prepared to have separate households if things do not improve in the coming months.

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Becky36 · 02/08/2012 15:50

I can relate to your post. I had a very similar situation when I lived with my ex partner. My son lived with us and his daughters would visit at the weekend and then a couple of nights in the week.

The girls were great to be honest, polite, tidy etc. The only small thing was that his youngest was a little bit clingy with my ex DP but this was to be expected in the circumstances. She was very young, six or seven.

The problem was my ex partner. He seemed to pick at my son for very minor things and yet with his own children he allowed them to do exactly what they wanted, whenever they wanted. Don't get me wrong here, none of the children were a problem whatsoever. It was more the mindset of my ex. His children could do no wrong and even the most minor criticism of them would make him go into a massive sulk.

He spent all weekend, particularly with his youngest, asking her what she wanted to do and then reeling off around twenty suggestions of what she could do, as if there wasn't allowed to be a minute in the day where she was not being entertained by him.

To be honest the picking on my son did my head in. It was in inequality of it that drove me mad and I ended up moving back to my house. In my very limited experience you cannot have two sets of house rules for two sets of children. It creates loads of problems and puts the respective parents at loggerheads before you even start.

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coolmango · 02/08/2012 16:12

Becky36 DP tried to do the whole 'you don't like my daughter, youre an evil cold hearted stepmum, etc'. I did point out that actually when his daughter is with me she is great so the fault must lie with him and not her. Plus I also had to mention that on DSDs weekends, DP has never taken her to the park, shopping or to supervised when playing in the pool in the garden. He does not go out and buy things to make her stay more welcoming: slippers, the cereal she likes. Bunk beds as she did not like sleeping on a camp bed. And he has NEVER cooked dinner whilst she is here. This is something I do. Mmmmmm...definately the mark of an evil step mum.

It sounds awful but I think there is def. a fine line between Disney Dad and lazy parenting.

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NotaDisneyMum · 02/08/2012 18:11

mango I hate to say it, but I hope your experience acts as a cautionary tale to other prospective step-mums who are considering blending their families Sad

It is so easy to get swept away with the romance of it all, move in, and think that you'll work it all out in time - after all, you love each other, don't you, and you've learnt from you past mistakes - but the stupidly high level of divorce that occurs between second-partnerships when there are DC's involved proves that it certainly isn't all hearts and flowers.

Well done you for setting boundaries and telling your DP what they are - I am under no illusion that I can and would chose to live alone, rather than compromise my values and beliefs for the sake of my relationship. I am with DP through choice, not necessity, and if he expects too much of DD or myself then I will chose not to be here.

It works both ways - I know what his boundaries and expectations of me are as well; neither of us are prepared to be miserable in a relationship again.

I put the breaks on our relationship several times - realising that until DP set some boundaries with his ex, and learnt how to parent, getting over his guilt and learning to avoid the guilty daddy traps, then things really wouldn't work long term. Similarly, DP expected me to learn how to deal with my ex and his button pushing - and we did it together; we attended parenting courses, spoke to family support workers, supported each other through court cases and mediation.....we have developed a very strong partnership, with a very good idea of each others values, principles and boundaries - so much so, that we can now rely on each other to remind the other when the going gets tough what is actually important to us.

I know how lucky I am to have a partner who shares my view that this is important - but I can't imagine it any other way!

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Kaluki · 02/08/2012 19:21

It sounds unbearable!
Well done you for telling him you won't put up with it.
If I cooked Sunday roast and DP buggered off to McDs he would end up wearing his dinner! Grin
I have done similar to you and issued the ultimatum that if he doesn't parent his kids next week we will be in separate houses and I bloody well mean it!!!

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Becky36 · 03/08/2012 11:36

I don't know why some men feel the need to behave like this. Part of my job as a parent is to make sure that my son behaves himself and is polite, says please and thank you, doesn't jump all over furniture etc. Consequently he knows what is expected of him and behaves himself (most of the time!). It is not my job as a parent to be my son's friend and never discipline him for fear that he might fall out with me.

I do appreciate that when you only see your child once or twice a week then you don't want to spend the whole time telling them off. However you cannot have a situation where different rules apply to different children. It causes problems between the children and the respective parents.

At the end of it I realised that our expectations and ways of parenting were too different to ever work. I didn't want to spend hours on end explaining why something was dangerous, or why we were going somewhere, or bargaining on what time they should go to bed. He wanted to discuss and negotiate and bargain with the children so they had ultimate say in what we did. This did not sit at all well with me.

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coolmango · 15/08/2012 20:55

Well, my HUGE foot down for the sake of my own 2 children worked (ish!).

Had DSD for 1 & 1/2 weeks. DSD had a bedtime of 10.30pm and this was kept to 70% of the time with some gentle reminding to DP. My eldest (13 DS) still picked up on the fact that although I enforced this strictly upon him it had lapsed on DSD a few times.

DSD got to choose 2 veg, (none of this, ,'I don't eat vegetables'. Tough!), she wanted with her dinner and I would cook them......oh surprise after some tentative tries DSD DOES actually like some veg. A bit strange that after my offering to make her something her mum makes, (rice and gravy), with veg, (NONE), she turned her nose up at it. I was later told I should have used Uncle Bens rice,( If I really can't be arsed to spend 10 mins doing my own), and Bisto.

I can kind of understand why food is an issue if this is your usual Dinner.

The babying also had a play in this weeks visit and that has also been toned down....,( previously my own friends had commented that it was rather creepy....phew...I thought it was just me.).

So we now have DSD this weekend and I have to say even our 1 + 1/2 weeks has changed her at our home to be a better person, esp. table manners and attitude. I have already got various activities planned for DSDs arrival and feel quite positive.

Unfortunately I think maybe the tiny things may have been over looked and some how, once again, I will become some 8yr olds servant for a few days......and then have it sprung on me that actually DSD is stopping for a few weeks!

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