Clingy mother driving us crazy!!

[laudymissclaudy]

I have a 4 year old DS and 2 DSS - 7yrs and 4yrs. When DH has kids his ex wife constantly rings, constantly texts (the 7 year old has his own phone!!) and we can never get a moments peace. She constantly undermines me and turns DSS's against me, every other sentence is "mum said I don't have to listen to you" always excluded from nursery/school letters/diarys ect even though her new partner is 1st on the list for all of these things. Starting to really get me down and drive us crazy, the only arguments we have are over her and DSS's. Every family event/weekend is ruined by her. She's a TA so gets 13 weeks off per year, however thinks its acceptable that DH should use all 20 days holiday to look after his kids during the holidays, even though she claims tax credits and childcare element to pay for childminder.

Any tips/hinters to calm down the crazy? It's driving me up the wall and DH's answer to it all is 'i'll speak to her' which either never happens or goes in one ear and out the other!!

[purpleroses]

Can you switch your phone off a bit? Or just don't answer her? My DS is 12 and absolutely crap at keeping his phone on him and switched on, unless someone reminds him - couldn't your DSS manage to forget to take it out with him and just send her a text at the end of each day letting her know he's OK?

Childminders only usually charge the house they work btw - and tax credits pay only 70% of the cost, so don't think it's unreasonable to expect your DP to have his kids for most of his 20 days leave. 4 weeks holiday with your kids isn't a lot over a whole year, even if she isn't working the school hols.

[laudymissclaudy]

Having the kids for 4 weeks of the year isnt an issue, however she likes to make it the 4 weeks of august, meaning he has no holidays to use for family occasions/holidays ect.

For a 7 year old he has an amazing memory, the phone is always on and always with him. He becomes extremely cranky/upset when he does not have it (resembles a teenage girl who's just found out their fav band has broken up!!) She's also taught him the excuse of "i'm going through puberty" to take them rap for his bad behaviour/temper tantrums/bratty moments.

I understand about the tax credits ect, however the reason she became a TA is to look after her children during school holidays. It seems we are only good enough when she wants. We aren't good enough for school sports days/hospital and docs appointments (she likes to rub in that she took the time off for these)/parents evenings ect. DSS starts school in Sept, she didnt even tell us he'd gotten in our invite us to the open evening.

[NotaDisneyMum]

Do these things bother your DP - or is he happy with the way things are?

If he's missing open evenings, sports days etc because he's relying on his ex to tell him, then he could quite easily make contact with the school directly.

As for the mobile issue - we had the same thing with DSD; so we put in place house rules - no mobile phones in bedrooms, not to be taken when the family is out together and out of earshot at mealtimes.
If you agree house rules with your DP it is them up to him to explain them to his DCs and enforce them.
If he can't or won't, then your problem isn't your DSC, or their mum, it's your DPs lack of respect for you.

[Kaluki]

Puberty at 7? Really?
Your DH should be putting him straight when he says he doesn't have to listen to you and setting house rules for when they are with you including when he can use the phone.
He needs to sort out the holiday/school issues with her directly and not involve you or the DC. He can get in touch with the school direct and find out about parents evenings/sports days etc. It isn't fair that he loses all of his holiday while she has 13 weeks off a year.
He is expecting too much of you and needs to grow a pair and stand up to his ex.

[CheeseandPickledOnion]

Yep, your dp needs to step up to the plate!

He should be telling the children that they can't speak to you like that. If he isn't getting invites to school stuff he can add himself to the parents list at the school and get the messages seperately (like we have). He can take the phone off his son and make rules about it regardless of sulking.

He need to parent better.

[MrsTomHardy]

I too think your DH is your major problem here.

[CouthyMow]

As a parent, I would be very unhappy with my DS1's mobile being taken off him. His dad is welcome to call or text him when he is at my house, provided it is before bedtime, and I feel the same should be true in reverse.

I don't agree with the mother excluding the FATHER from open evenings for school etc, however, I don't feel it is a step-parent's place to attend. And I mean a new partner of the mother or the father. It is something that is between the parents of the child and nobody else, as are parents evenings.

I would not have had DS2&3's father attend DS1's parents evening, even when we had been together for 8 years. It was between DS1's dad and me. And by the same token, I wouldn't expect DS1's SM to be involved either.

I am quite willing to discuss Secondary school applications with DS1's father, but as he refuses to do so without his partner being there, he is choosing to have no involvement in my eyes. It is an issue between me & him, it's nothing to do with her.

I can see both sides of the story, having been a SM in the past, and DS1 having a SM. it's about letting the two PARENTS be involved, things like this are not in a SP's remit as far as I am concerned.