Coming out of lurking

[AllChanges]

I've been reading the posts in this section for a while now, and I have to say that it's been so reassuring to find other women who feel the way I do, although less so when non-step parents become outraged with what a step parent has written.

I am 27 weeks pregnant with my first child, I live with my partner, and we have his children (boys aged 15 and 13) one night during the week, and then all weekend. We occasionally get a weekend off, but that's usually if my partner is working.

We live in a 3 bed house, both the boys have their own bedrooms. We've had to tell the eldest that he will have to share with his brother - who has the biggest room, which he didn't want to do and asked if we would turn a room downstairs into a bedroom for him. To keep the peace we agreed. But now he is refusing to move, and creating a big song and dance about having to - including telling anyone that will listen that he's losing his bedroom and how unfair it is. I think his Mother has told him that we shouldn't be making him move rooms until the baby is six months old, but I want the baby to have it's own bedroom now. We have nowhere to put any of the baby things, I want to get all the furniture built and the room re-decorated ready for the baby coming. I don't think it's unreasonable to want this.

The eldest also has a terrible attitude, he talks back to us both, and my partner just lets him - he's very scared that both children will decide they no longer want to see him if he disciplines them, so he never has done, and because of the baby he's extra worried he'll lose them.

They both have a bad attitude towards the baby and took it upon themselves to tell me they wouldn't come out with us if the baby screams. I lost my temper and ended up saying I didn't want them to come out with us anyway. (This had been after a particularly trying weekend where we've taken them out for days or bought them things shopping and all they've done is moan and sulk).

I don't want them to hate me, but I'm finding it very hard to even like them at the moment. If I try and raise any concern's with my partner he just turns it round on me and tells me its because I don't want them to come over, I just want it to be me, him and the baby - and if I'm honest a lot of the time I do wish it was just us.

Becoming a step parent is the hardest thing I've ever done, and sometimes I feel like his kids would rather I'd never come along, and it would be easier for him if I hadn't.

[humptydidit]

sorry, can't offer any good advice. But just to say I can imagine how hard things are for you. Step parenting is tough at the best of times and I couldn't imagnine how much harder that would be if I was pregnant.

Hopefully somebody will be along v soon with more helpful advice x

[Heedsgonnabust]

Oh my god I feel so sorry for you. This should be the happiest time of your life, you should be excitedly buying baby things, creating a cosy little nest...but instead you're being made to feel like a bad person. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, I don't know what I would do. All I know is that you're definitely not a bad person. What you're feeling sounds completely reasonable to me, and hopefully if you explain how you're feeling to your partner, so he can really understand what it means to you, you'll get the backup you need - and deserve x

[NotaDisneyMum]

As you'll know from this board; DisneyDads are all too common - that is men who chose not to "parent" their children, but allow them to become more rude, disrespectful and entitled.
The reasons for this are fairly understandable; guilt over the divorce (even if it wasn't their fault), fear of losing their DC's, laziness (some men just can't be bothered to parent DC's they see for only part of the time) or a combination of all of these. That doesn't make it right - they are failing both their DCs and their DP - but usually they don't see that until it is too late and they end up bitter and alone.

What you can do about it - nothing. You cannot change your DP; he has to decide to do that for himself.

What you can do is explain how you feel about his behaviour. So, rather than tell him how unhappy you are about the DC's rudeness towards you, tell him how unhappy you are that he has so little respect for you that he fails to correct their behaviour.
If he gets defensive and doesn't hear you when you are trying to talk about these things, then I would recommend you seek some form of couples counselling if possible, in order to get your point across in a neutral venue. If he refuses to go, then that tells you a lot about his own feelings and respect for you. If you tell him that you are unhappy, and he says "well, that's your problem, I'm not prepared to help", then at least you know where you stand, and can make your decisions from there.

With a DC together on the way, conversations about parenting values should be naturally happening between you anyway - if you're not talking about it together now, then as your own DC gets older, more differences are likely to appear.

[humptydidit]

disneymum you are right, you speak lots of sense!!!

[Petal02]

You can't allow your lives to be controlled by two non-resident teenagers. Your baby will live at your house full time, the other children don't. There's no reason why two brothers can't share a room when they visit, it's quite acceptable. Can I just ask why you have them every weekend, instead of alternate weekends?

[AllChanges]

Thanks everyone.

The agreement with CSA was for every Wednesday plus alternate weekends, but my OH has always had them as much as possible, he normally has one Wednesday and one weekend a month where he's working and we don't have them.

We try to have weekends off but his kids ask why they aren't coming - its like we have to have a reason for them not coming, we can't just have a weekend off.

His ExW also says he isn't doing his bit if we don't have them every weekend.

(I won't even get started ranting on that- she doesn't work but gets every weekend off, I work all week then have his kids all weekend- its really unfair).

The counselling is good advice, but generally at the moment I'm just regarded as "hormonal" and not taken seriously.

[NotaDisneyMum]

Hang on. So his ex is receiving money from the CSA as if your DP was having the DC's every other weekend, but he has them more than that because she tells him he's not pulling his weight if he doesn't? She really has got him exactly where she wants him, hasn't she? I assume he won't rock the boat and tell the CSA the truth because he thinks he might not see them as much? What about when your baby arrives? Will he pay his way, or will your child together miss out on the same lifestyle as his older DC's because he is not only paying out to his ex, but welcomes hungry, electricity-consuming teens into your home as often as he can?

Your posts don't paint your DP in a very good light, tbh - he should be supporting you especially while you are pregnant - not dismissing you as hormonal and leaving you to deal with rude, disrespectful and downright unpleasant behaviour from his children.
What are his redeeming qualities?

[purpleroses]

Is there any way you can get your DSS1 more enthusiastic about moving rooms?

My DSD1 (15) has just moved to a smaller room which has allowed my DD (8) to have the larger room (my DD lives with us nearly full time, whilst DSD is only here at weekends - though we've emphasised more the need for DD to have space to play and store clothes) - we let her decorate it herself and bought some new furniture for her (my DD got her handdowns) which she seemed to like. She took it as an opportunity to leave behind a lot of her more childish posessions and make the new room in her new style.

We've also pursuaded my DS (12) and DSD (9) to share a room when each were used to their own rooms, aided by a new high sleeper for DSS and new computer desk for DS.

Or would your DSS2 be into having the downstairs room and DSS1 could have his? I imagine you'd want to have the baby on the same floor as you, though you could consider making the downstairs room a playroom and baby storage room and have the baby sleeping in with you for the first year or so.

I don't personally think you should be trying to challenge the number of weekends your DP has his kids - if he wants them that often, then it's not really on to say you'd like them less. My DP has his 4 DCs every weekend - it seems odd to me that their mum doesn't want them at the weekend, but to say you want them less makes them seem like a burden. I'd be upset if a partner saw my kids that way, so wouldn't want to suggest major changes to the amount my DP has his kids. You can always take yourself (and baby)n out for a bit if you need a break.

Though I do think it's absolutely OK to ask for the odd weekend or day at a time for the two (or soon to be 3) of you - and to try to put it to the DSSs that it's nice for them to spend a weekend with their mum.

If your DP works some weekends will you get some time off in the week together when you're on maternity leave?

[gettingbrighter]

Sorry but I'm struggling to understand this concept of "persuading" a child to share a room . When I was a child, my parents made the decisions about how many rooms were in the house and what they were to be used for, not me. I'm pretty sure they didn't ever feel the need to "persuade" me to agree with them on that.

[theredhen]

I think in a "step" situation things are bit more delicate and not as simple as just telling them where to sleep.

However, kids will pick up on any hesitance in adults and play it for all it's worth. Pussyfooting round then just gives them control. I think it's right to discuss with them and give them some input but wrong to hand over all the control and let them make all the decisions.

[Petal02]

Sorry but I?m struggling to understand this concept of ?persuading? a child to share a room. When I was a child, my parents made the decisions about how many rooms were in the house and what they were to be used for.

Absolutely ? when you?re a kid, the adults make the decisions about stuff like that. And quite rightly so.

Although as Redhen goes on to say, when step kids are involved, people do tend to tiptoe round them, in fear of upsetting them to the point where they decide not to visit any more. So I agree with her comments about letting them have some input, but not total control. Otherwise you end up with a household that?s controlled by two non-resident children, which is just insane.

The dynamics in step families can be really skewed.

[notsonambysm]

She doesn't work, has school aged children, and they spend all weekend with you... When does she see her children!? Sorry, doesn't help to get you more riled does it but I get so angry that these "primary careers" get all the financial support and kudos as such and do bugger all.

Anyway, what Not a Disney mum said. I've learnt the hard way that blaming the kids and their mother has wasted a lot if time. You can't change them, you have no power over that.
But you can change your partner (to an extent) by pointing out what your expectations are. If he can't or won't change, you can then decide what to do.

[purpleroses]

It's not so much pursuade them to share (as of course the adults can make and enforce decisions about bedrooms), as make them feel OK about it - that's the challenge - to avoid them feeling pushed out which is all the harder when a new baby arrives in a step family than in an intact family.

[AnitaBlake]

I found sugar worked better than vinegar with DH, especially! I discussed how if he was paying more than CSA, what he was actually doing was reducing the amount we had to spend on DSD when she was with us ;) worked a treat.

The two boys should be sharing a room IMVHO. No discussion, no negotiations. He has until x to move his things, otherwise, he'll find his things have been moved for him. When he (and his brother from that matter) pay rent, they get a (very minor) say.

Look at it another way, the ex is DESPERATE to get rid of them at weekends, is she gonna jepardise that over this? I doubt it somehow. She might twist and moan, but she's not going to stop sending them over. Similar to ours, DH works weekends, but she insists on sending DSD over on a weekend, not a weekday when he's not at work, however hard she berates him for not spending time with get. Funny that.

Honestly you need to be a shrink to be a steppie!

[AllChanges]

I haven't really painted him well, he is a lovely person who just wants his kids to be happy and everyone to get on.

We had another chat (minor row) on it last night and he's promised to talk to the eldest about his attitude. But talking is all it ever is, never any consequences for bad behaviour. But what can I do- they aren't my
Kids so I can't tell him how to parent them...

[AllChanges]

You're all absolutely right about the room situation, it seemed like the best idea to give up a room downstairs and not make them share, but even that isn't even making him happy. I wish we'd said no to that, but we can't go back on it now.

[notsonambysm]

Can you ask them what they suggest the solution is? And work from there? Maybe giving them an idea of how hard it is for you to work around would be a good starting point? I mean, what is the alternative solution? Put a new born baby downstairs!?