Is this crazy???

[Kaluki]

Me again. With yet another problem!!!
DP's bible contract states that he has his dc from for the August bank holiday weekend. He will have had them for 2 weeks in August as well, so they literally go home for a few days then he has them back for the long weekend.
Usually this is fine. This year my DC are away with their Dad for that weekend so I will be child free which again is usually not a problem.
We got an invitation this morning to a close friends wedding in Portugal on the BH weekend. It is a once in a lifetime event - I would love to go but don't want to go by myself so I asked him to change the weekend or even miss seeing them just for once.
Oh NO. Can't possibly. He won't even ask his ex.
His solution is to have the dc anyway, drive them to his parents and then we go to the wedding and he picks them up from his parents and drops them home as usual! His parents live a 4 hour drive away from our house.
Is this madness or what? His ex will (understandably) hit the roof when she finds out that he has dumped them on his parents to bugger off abroad with me. His DC will be confused and upset that they are not having a weekend with him as expected. He will literally spring it on them in the car so they can't tell their Mum the plans beforehand
Am I being selfish? I have never asked him to change/cancel a weekend with them.

[fluffygal]

Hmm, i don't think he should cancel the weekend, wouldn't look very good. Will ex definitely not swap? If not, I am sure the kids would love a weekend with the grandparents, two of my DC are currently away for the week with their grandparents! I am sure when the ex has the DC she sometimes gets a sitter if she wants to go out. It's such a shame if ex can't be flexible, makes life so much easier if everyone can be more conscientious of each other.

[Kaluki]

If the Grandparents were local I would agree fluffy. But they live 4 hours away. So that is a total of 16 hours in the car for him - actually probably more as it is a BH weekend. And they are spending a week with their grandparents when he has them earlier in the month anyway.
I just get frustrated because if it were me, I'd make a quick call to my ex, sort something out and bingo! Job done! With him and his ex that isn't possible - its all about the contract and no flexibility. I don't think its even that he wants his dc that weekend. He said himself that he would rather not have them that weekend but he has no choice.
I suppose my choice is go alone or not at all isn't it.
Crap crap crap!!!!!

[CC2B]

Can this not be sold as important time with the grandparents, in view of the recent extended holiday with their father? it is generally considered that time with grandparents, without parents there, is really beneficial, and it seems like a good opportunity for the children to have this chance...

[theredhen]

Personally I agree with kaluki. Running your whole lives around a schedule of contact is not being in the real world.

It teaches the children that life stops because of them and it gives them all the power.

I think he should ask to swap weekends, and if the ex won't, then he should just go with you. Explain to the kids you wanted to swap but mum refused.

[Petal02]

We had something very similar ourselves a few years ago. We were invited to a wedding that was approx. one hour north of our home. It clashed with an access weekend. DH was also a devout follower of the bible at that time, and rather than risk upsetting god the ex, he suggested that DSS could stay with a relative, however this meant driving 4 hours south to drop DSS off, then 4 hours back. And then repeat for the collection journey.

Anyone other than a Disney dad would consider this insane, but to DH it was the perfect solution. We could attend the wedding, DSS would be removed from his mother?s as per the bible, and the ex would be quite happy, because she wouldn?t mind if we left DSS on the hard shoulder of the M62, just so long as we remove him from her premises between 4pm Thursday and 6pm Sunday.

In the end, common sense prevailed (sort of) ? we agreed to swap a weekend so that we could attend the wedding without having to do a tour of the UK, but then had to do an extra ?compensatory? weekend to atone for DH?s sins change of plan.

I agree totally with Redhen, having to live your life around a rigid rota is not being in the real world. Ask the ex if she?ll swap, if she won?t, then tell the kids you won?t be picking them up because their mother refused the swap, and that you?ll look forward to seeing them the weekend after.

[Kaluki]

Thanks everyone!
I've been investigating and his way just isn't feasible with timings of flights and travelling to and from the airport.
He will not budge on this at all so I'm going on my own! I will have already been away without him for a week this summer so he will be used to it by then.
He might have to get more used to it too. I'm fed up with always coming second.
Fuck him!!!
The annoying thing is that his ex would love to have them. She hates hardly seeing them. He is punishing her by taking them from her. It's not even about him spending time with them it's about getting them away from her and that is the saddest thing if all that these kids are used as weapons by both parents to score points off and hurt each other.
I dont know how long I can be party to this really. It's getting me down now and the thought do years and years more of this makes me want to run for the hills!!!

[Petal02]

Kaluki, I really do feel your pain. Until recently, DH's goal in life has been achieving rota compliance, regardless of the cost/chaos/inconvenience it caused. There have been times when, for example, DSS has spent the evening in our empty house, just because it was a rota evening, rather than visit 24 hours earlier/later when he could have spent time with his Dad. This has sent me almost insane with frustration, yet DSS/DH/the ex all think it's fine - rota compliance has been achieved, and that's very literally all that matters. There have been times when DSS has gone for weeks without seeing his Dad, just because of the way the rota has panned out, when they could quite easily gone "off rota" and spent some time together. But no, this would have resulted in a non-compliance, so it just wouldn't happen.

I don't know why some households seemingly worship the holy rota, treating it as a mandate for life, rather than guidines to facilitate access. I've never once suggested DSS has less contact time with his Dad, but flexibility surely works better for all parties?

[Kaluki]

The thing is the contracts are designed to make things easier while the parents can't communicate and sort things amicably themselves.
In our case it has become a stick to beat each other with.
When DPs ex left with the kids at first she refused him any contact at all, while moving the DC in with her new bf.
DP went to court to get reasonable access and the contract was drawn up. They are still both so bitter and twisted and deep down they both hate the bloody contract but DP clings to it like a life raft and her attitude is "you wanted your precious contract so we will stick to it to the letter" (even down to the exact time of the nightly phone calls - to the actual minute!)
End result - 2 fucked up little kids, a Disney dad and a relationship on the rocks!!!

[notsonambysm]

Oh Kaluki this sucks!!! From my research it seems that a more rigid rota suits little ones but that as the children become teenagers it should be much more flexible to allow them to have normal/healthy social lives AND time with both parents.

But even little ones can adapt for one off occurrences. It's madness to be so stupidly controlling. My ex would constantly ask to switch times and days etc and in the end I said no to all if it because he was just using me as a babysitter and not taking his role as a father in to account when planning his social time. But there have been certain things such as weddings/ a relative visiting from abroad etc where we have flexed it. Why are people so ridiculous!

[theredhen]

You certainly have my sympathy but I'm pleased you're going anyway and won't miss out but completely understand why you're peeved.

I just don't know why these men get so obsessive about their children, I really do understand how they must miss them and want to see them but why foes that justify a complete lack of common sense when it comes to everyday life and other parts of their lives.

[ImperialBlether]

When you said, "It's not even about him spending time with them it's about getting them away from her and that is the saddest thing if all that these kids are used as weapons by both parents to score points off and hurt each other" my first thought was that he really isn't a very nice man.

Are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Do you two have children together?

[Kaluki]

Imperial - sorry i didn't put that very well. It's all about the fight with both of them. Neither one will back down or give an inch.
Their divorce was so bitter and nasty and she hurt him more than anyone ever had. He can't let go of it. He does want to see the dc, he adores then but he would forego the BH weekend but in his eyes that would be letting her win!
He is the loveliest man and I would marry him in a heartbeat. It's just this issue with his dc and his ex is our only problem - and that isn't going to go away!!

[Kaluki]

No we don't have dc together!

[Kaluki]

Also, DPs ex makes no secret of the fact that she would like him to disappear so her BF can be dad to his dc so he is always wary that any gap in seeing them will result in her telling them that he doesn't want to see them and them accepting her BG as daddy.
I have told him that this wouldn't happen. He will always be their dad and they will love him but he lacks that confidence in them as she is constantly looking for an excuse to turn them against him.
She is pure poison!

[KickTheGuru]

They are both poisoned by it.

As you said, you will always come second. Can you live with that?

He needs to work out if the fight is worth the next 10 odd years of the children's youth. By which time, you will have left him and he will be alone.

Does he understand that he will be alone for the rest of his life if he keeps the fight going like this for the children?

How does he manage if you have children with him?

[Kaluki]

We don't have any dc together.
That's the big question. I know I come second to his dc. That is how it should be but this lack of flexibility or common sense is doing my head in!
I'm doing more and more things on my own. It's just a matter of time now I think before I throw on the towel

[KickTheGuru]

Sorry I meant in the future.

It's sad and most people will probably disagree but he needs to chose you and the future with you. That doesn't mean to turn his back on his kids but he needs to chose to move forward, or he won't be able to MOVE forward.

[RandomMess]

I'm not I could be with someone so intent on doing something to spite their ex

Ridiculous thing is that the dc will probably have missed their mum after being 2 weeks with your dp and be glad of that weekend of contact "off"

[Kaluki]

Thanks. You are all saying what I already know deep down

[KickTheGuru]

Sorry. I hope you can work it out with him :(

[taxiforme]

Hi Kaluki,

I embrace going away on my own and I don't see it as a problem.
I think it helps with the way that I think about things and have done from the start. I came into the relationship expecting, if not demanding that i would have "me" time. We have my DSC EVERY weekend and one night a week.

I accepted that my DH has three kids and that he will want to spend a good deal of time with them and I would have to fit in with that.

I might not want to spend every weekend with three kids to be honest. I have precious little time off and a busy and stressful job.

I have a wide and scattered group of friends and family (my family are a good 300 miles away, my brother abroad)- my BFs are single. My DH also has little time off work.

To meet my wishes/needs of holidays, time away from my stressful job, time with my friends and family AND HIS wishes/needs of the same plus time with his kids PLUS time to be together as a couple means that even in the most flexible arrangements, something has to give.

However, I know this is probably my rather independent nature which fuels this- rather than an answer to your question. I don't fuss over the fact that my DH loves his kids possibly more than me- how can I measure that or get hung up about it?! It's just that they need him more than I do most of the time..as the great Kaiser Cheifs said

"Love's not a competition, (but I'm winning)" not a great sentiment.

[taxiforme]

PS sorry, I should have said.

Yes, the situation is crazy- it is their situation though.

I would try and keep your sanity, even more reason to escape and kick back in Portugal!

[Kaluki]

Taxi - you are right. I was always very independent before I met DP so I am starting to rethink the relationship a little.
I don't want to split up over his dc, we have too much going for us but when you are going to events alone and taking separate holidays do you eventually get to the point where you may as well be single??

[taxiforme]

I dont think that rethinking is a bad thing, Kaluki. Maybe you just need to reajust the balance if you can, even if this simply means thinking in a different way. Don't beat up your relationship just on account of this and dont go to Portugal with a heavy heart, either.

The thing is, that if I go to something on my own or without DH I don't feel "lonely", sure I miss him though. If I felt lonely (as opposed to simply being alone) or didn't miss him I am sure that would be an indication that there was something wrong.

Maybe I can harden my heart as I have no kids of my own (I am also very much the wrong side of 40) and lived a very independent life in the past.

[Kaluki]

That's interesting taxi.
Obviously I would rather go with him but I will be fine going alone. He doesn't know my friends that well and I wanted to show him off!!
Its the reason he won't go that annoys me. It seems ridiculous!
But now I know better than to challenge the bible contract!!