Stepmums, may I ask a question?

[Jacksmania]

I'm asking for my own curiosity, not because I want to meddle or give any advice (have none to give :)) - a dear friend is shortly going to become engaged to a man who has several young children. He lost his wife a few years ago, when the youngest was tiny. So far everything's gone brilliantly. Their well-suited and very much in love and the kids adore her. They've told the kids that they're in love and that they plan to marry and apparently it went over well.

So what I'm wondering is, is becoming a step-parent always a rocky road, or can it be just that seemingly easy sometimes? I so hope it can, for my friend's sake, it would be so lovely if she's fallen straight into the fairy tale, so to speak. I think a part of me is worried that there may be the proverbial other shoe somewhere... so I thought I'd ask if anyone has any happy step-parenting stories?

I'm just asking for me, and please don't flame me or tell me it's none of my business :( - this is really just a question out of curiosity and hope.
Thanks!

[oddslippers]

I met my two children when they were 4 &2 by that time I'd between with their dad a year, he had left his ex just after the second was born. We have a great relationship I see them often and have offered advice when asked, disciplined when needed. They are now 14 & 16 when we chat a lot of their happy memories of being little come from time we have spent together and I have never gone overboard on the effort just been natural add has my dh. So yes sometimes it can be easy.

[Readyisknitting]

We've had it pretty easy here too. Our kids have slotted in together well, and get on well, most of the time! Step by step worked for us, our tribe seem content with our family life. It can work :-)

[oddslippers]

I think half the problem it's you only hear the horror stories.... a bit like childbirth :o

[Jacksmania]

Woot! I have answers! And happy answers, too!

That's so nice to hear.

Oddslippers, yes :o

[worrywortisworrying]

There are always going to be ups and downs - as there would be in any marriage and for any parents.

BUT... I have been with my DH since his elder kids were small and we get along well now. The bond they have with their half siblings is lovely.

It's not always easy, but then I find life doesn't always work like that.

I'm sure your friend (and her step children) will be happier for having found each other.

[matana]

I would say that problems are usually when the past couple have separated for whatever reason and the DCs don't live with their father/ mother full time and divide their time between homes. Being a part time dad (and step mum) is tough - especially when the birth mum is still on the scene - because there are too many dynamics involved, too many feelings and opinions over how to raise the children. It's terrible that she died, but i actually think that providing your friend is willing to take his children on full time, which sounds like is the case, this is probably the best possible outcome. I've lost count of the times that my DH has wished he never had to have anything to do with his ex ever again - it's very complicated and exhausting having to deal with someone who has instrinsically very different views on how to raise your children. Your friend and her BF will instead be able to raise the children in the way that suits them and that they feel is right.

I wish her all the very best.

[Jacksmania]

Yes, I think not having to deal with an ex is a good thing, as absolutely and completely awful as it was for the kids to lose their mum. My heart breaks a little for them, their mum was so young, too - but my friend is a fantastic loving person and I may be a tiny bit biased they are lucky to have her. :)

[matana]

You sound like a lovely friend to have

I really hope it all works out for her.

[Kaluki]

Well I was a step mum in a previous relationship and had a wonderful relationship with my DSD. She is grown up now and still a part of my family so its not all horror stories.
If I had met DP when his dc were younger and there was no ex wife on the scene I think things would have been a lot easier for us as all our problems stem from the fact that his dc are being dragged up and DP and his ex wife fight over them like toddlers fighting over their toys.
Your friend has all the odds stacked in her favour, and as long as she is fully prepared to take these dc on and her and her DP are on the same page regarding parenting then it there is no reason why they can't be a perfectly happy family.

[wrinklyraisin]

I met my bf 2yrs ago nearly, and moved in with him 6 months ago. His daughter is 8 and she's fab!!! We get on pretty well, I'm stricter than her parents about some stuff, but tbh she seems to thrive more when she's with me and her father as we do loads of things as a family and her mum is more of a homebody and hardly ever does anything with her. I know I'm not her mother, but I do see my role as being a supportive and loving adult in her life. I have her best interests at heart and intend to do whatever is in my power to help her grow to be as happy and healthy as possible. My bf appreciates my efforts and my dsd hugs me loads and tells me she loves me (and can she have a baby sister PLEASE??!!!) so I feel I'm doing ok. There are difficulties in not judging her mother. And I never expected to be a step mother. But overall I'm happy with my family and am looking forward to the next steps of marriage and making babies. My dsd is proof my bf is an awesome father and he's wonderful to me. Life really is good :)

[CC2B]

What wrinklyraisin said, pretty much!

I'm new to it all, really, so I'm glad you've got lots of long term SM responses here too, as who knows what'll happen to wrinklyraisin and me in the years ahead.

But 6 months after moving in together with DP, his two DCs are happy and comfortable with me, and us, and are both very affectionate with me and tell me they love me (esp DSS who is 3). I think my advice would be to let all of that come from the children and then respond appropriately, rather than try and foist love on them (and I can imagine that may be a huge temptation with the tragic loss of their mother). I agree with other posters that the fact there's no ex on the scene will help, in most ways.

And you sound like a lovely, supportive friend, and that will help her out too!

[Kaluki]

I think it helps if you don't have dc of your own.
I feel guilty for not loving my stepdc like my own and any conflict between the kids ends up in a them against us situation.
Also as a full time Mum my I am a lot stricter than my 'Disney dad' DP so it's hard not to have different rules for different kids.

[pinkbraces]

Its been pretty easy for us so far :) , with regards to the DC, not with the ex!

My DSC and my DD are incredibly close, the two girls are sisters and no one dare say anything different. We do of course have various issues but I dont think they are any worse than the issues most families have.

My only advice would be to keep talking to each other and of course back one another up.

From reading these message boards and listening to friends it seems to me that most of the problems occur when the children are not parented properly, if the disney effect takes hold thats when you get problmes.

You are a lovely friend.

[Enfyshedd]

Hi, another SM here to 2 DSSs (now 13 & 6). I'd met DP as a friend shortly before his exW walked out on them because she was having an affair, and I met his DSSs a few weeks later when he would bring them down our local on a Saturday afternoon. DP has custody, so when a couple of years later it became obvious there was something between us and he wanted me to move in I insisted that he cleared it with his eldest (then 11) because I knew how betrayed DSS1 had been by his mother walking out when he was 9. DSS2 was only 2 when his mother had walked out, so he hadn't been affected by it as much so we were less worried about him.

Both DSSs were told that I was the boss as soon as I moved in, although for months any "Can I do XYZ?" questions were referred to DP while I learned the lay of the land (and I'm still stricter with them than DP) I've had "You're not my mother!" twice from DSS1 in the nearly 2 years DP & I have been living together, but I don't take it personally and 99% of the time there's no problems.

[Jacksmania]

Thank you all so much for your responses, I'm so happy to see all of them.

Interestingly, my friend likely won't be able to have children of her own (don't want to say too much, she's not on MN but I would hate to be indiscreet), so if all continues to go well these will definitely be her children. She and the STBFiance have talked about possibly adopting another child though. She is one of those people who has a heart as wide as the sea, I think she'd look after the world if she could.

[mrsmopsmissingmojo]

I struggle with it tbh! I've been one for 4 yrs. I think though it's easier if u take on younger Dcs. My step kids were 7,9,11,14. Tricky to say the least!

[AxlRosesLeatherTrousers]

I've been a stepmum for 17 years, (DSD now 19). It hasn't all been plain sailing, mostly due to his ex, but I have brought DSD up like she was my own, (she's lived with us since she was 9). I think it helped that I didn't have children of my own so the relationship I had with her I had nothing to compare it to IYSWIM. When I went on to have my dds DH and I did as much as possible to stop her feeling left out in anyway.

The 3 of them are incredibly close, and because of the huge age gap (10 years and 14 years) there's no arguing between them. They see her as another authoritive figure, and as dd1 says DSD is "a grown up kid".

[brdgrl]

I think it is tempting to think that becoming a stepmum via a widower is easier than becoming a stepmum via divorce. Certainly there are some stepmother issues that your friends won't have to face - arguments with an ex; access problems - but there are a whole host of other potential issues to be faced.

I do think the age of the children makes a big difference in most step-parenting scenarios.

if all continues to go well these will definitely be her children
I hope this doesn't sound negative, but I would, in your shoes, be advising my friend to be cautious about this. Unless the children are very young indeed, and unless she actually takes the route of adopting the children, they won't be her children. They'll be her stepchildren. In my own experience, but also that of others I have spoken to, that distinction remains important even in the absence of a living mother - maybe even especially in the absence of a living mother.

For me personally, there were/are three factors that have made step-motherhood less easy.
1 - the kids were older - almost teenagers.
2- there is a lack of support from extended family (down to distance on my family's part and overcompensation for the kids' loss on his family's part)
and the big #3 - My DH engaged in a lot of 'disney parenting' and confused adult/child boundaries, tendencies exacerbated by the loss of their mum.

I would bet that the number one predictor of 'success' for would-be stepmothers is the father's ability to parent consistently and maintain healthy boundaries for his kids. If any friend of mine finds herself in the same place I did, that's what I'd be telling her to look very closely at.

[jaquelinehydeJumpChampion]

Quite simply yes it really can be that easy.

I speak from my experience as a stepchild and now a stepmum.

[Jacksmania]

When I said if all continues to go well they will definitely be her children, I apologize - I phrased it badly. I absolutely meant no disrespect to their mother, who is and always will be their mother.

I know in my head what I was trying to say but can't make it come out right on the screen! Anyway, sorry about that, poor phrasing on my part.

Thank you so much everyone for all your input! :)

[brdgrl]

When I said if all continues to go well they will definitely be her children, I apologize - I phrased it badly. I absolutely meant no disrespect to their mother, who is and always will be their mother.
jacks, sorry - i hope i didn't jump down your throat there! I guess it grabbed my attention because one of the 'widower myths' (for lack of a better phrase) I came up against was the idea of 'now at least those poor kids will have a mother"...(mostly from well-intentioned onlookers, but very unhelpful!)

and when the kids are needy, and one wants to love them, and when one is put in the practical position of 'mothering' the kids - it does get very emotionally draining to be that weird undefined 'stepmum' thing instead.

Not at all suggesting that your friend is /will "overstep" or disrespect the kids' mum; think I meant it more as 'be careful about her expectations so she doesn't get hurt. :)

[RedRosie]

Jacksmania: Many things in my life haven't turned out as I hoped ... But my relationship with my DSCs hasn't been one of them.

It has always been (generally - of course we've had our moments) good.

I think most of the posting on MN is around problems ... That's the nature of internet forums, and some people have a very hard time.

[Jacksmania]

brdgrl - thanks, I was just hoping I hadn't unintentionally offended!

My own "step" story wasn't a happy one for a long time, my poor stepdad joined our family when I was 13 and oh my goodness, it did not go well!! Fault on both sides, definitely, and there was a nasty ex to deal with... but oh, what he put up with!!
Fast-forward several years decades and I treasure and value him as a wonderful man :) although he still drives me batshit on occasion :o