Feeling blue

[bluebell8782]

DSD (9) comes over to us every other weekend. It used to be from Friday after work to Sunday eve. A day during the week was a difficult option as we lived quite a distance from each other which made getting to school really awkward.

Last year DH's ex organised horse-riding lessons for every Saturday. Great idea we thought until it was announced that DSD would be dropped off at ours AFTER the lesson Saturday afternoon. DH's ex takes the view that as she is paying for the lessons separately from the maintenance then DH can't be involved at all. Even though it means intruding on his time with his daughter, he is not allowed to even come and watch. At the time DH fought his corner but as we have no money to do anything through the courts it seems she can just do as she likes. What can you do? DH has never said anything bad about ex to DSD about this situation but I'm worried DSD will think we're not interested in her activity - although I do always ask her how it went etc..

This Saturday DSD is dropped off late. Turns out ex had cancelled lesson as DSD went to her school fair. That's fine but if DH's contact has been cut short because of the lessons why can't he then spend time with her when there is no lesson? I guess he's not allowed to be involved in that either. Ex asked if we could have DSD from 9.30 on the next Saturday we have her as ex has plans all day from morning onwards. 'Of course' DH said. She then said she had cancelled the riding lesson for that day. DH said 'oh don't do that - I can take her.' He looked at DSD and said 'Do you still want to go?' DSD looked at her mum and just hung her head poor thing. It won't get re-booked, there will be some excuse why we can't take her.

DH isn't a walk-over - he does fight his corner. He just has to choose his battles. We can't win this one as we have very little money and just can't afford to go to court for set contact times.

Sorry for long post - just feeling sad this weekend as it is all so petty

[bluebell8782]

Sorry guys just read that back. Don't want to 'ex bash' - I know she has her good points (however hidden ) - I just don't understand her and her need to push DH out of DSD's life. I also realise that these situations shouldn't be 'won' either. I just wish ex could see DH and myself as a positive rather than negative.

Any advice welcome as it was just a bit of a sad weekend (hidden of course by smiles and hugs to DSD!!)

[purpleroses]

Would it be possible for her to do riding lessons near you? Could your DH offer to get it set up and take and fetch her each week? (he might need to offer to pay though I guess - would this be affordable?)

Or could he suggest that she comes every Saturday evening until Sunday evening every week (ie 24 hours each weekend rather than EOW)?

[bluebell8782]

That's an idea - I'll do a search online and see what's about. We live in the country so shouldnt be that few and far between. Although money is tight - DH wouldnt begrudge paying for this sort of thing. Perhaps ex would be more agreeable if DH paid on 'his' week (although the cynical side of me bets she says no as she just doesnt want him invovled at all) - can but try!

DSD will be starting a new school in September which will be closer to us. Fingers crossed we can persuade her mum to let her stay a night during the 'off' week. Not sure if every Saturday evening through to Sunday would be that practical really as ex will want to spend time with DSD over weekends too. Even though she is RP, taking hours from school and after-school activities there wouldnt be a whole lot of time for ex either I guess.

[LindsC]

Maybe you could get DSD inolved in a different activity the weeks she's with you. It's not a necessarily a bad thing that riding lesson are her thing she does with DH's ex, sometimes it's nice to have that special thing that just you and your kids do together, but that dosn't mean she can't have something similar with you guys.

[bluebell8782]

Yes you're right Linds. I remember things I used to do with my mum - just me and her and they were special. I think it's just how it was done that was bad. It wasn't even discussed with DH - 'this is what is happening every Saturday even though it means seeing your daughter even less but hey ho - you're relationship with DD isn't as important as mine' sort of thing..

We do try and go swimming every Sunday she is with us which is brilliant but taking DSD on the 'off' weekend won't be allowed even though ex feels she can do that on the Saturday. So progress is slow with swimming but she is making great improvements

[LindsC]

Thats cool, I think I saw it a little from the flip side. I always took the kids camping and doing outdoors stuff... pretty much because it was cheap, lol. When Ex had them he did more movie, pizza, bowling type stuff. When my new partner came along we did even more outdoors stuff (new partner is an outdoors instructor), which meant sometimes visits had to be rearranged etc. BUT we always made sure his days got "made up", so if he missed a night with them one week he had an extra day with them the next week, etc. I think it worked for us because we always gave each other a few weeks notice and agreed it