What should DP do in response to how DSS was this eve?

[chelen]

Hi wise stepmums, DP has asked me to post to see if any of you have some ideas about how he/we should respond to tonight's fiasco here. DP was away with work, I am at home with DSS and DS.

As soon as DSS came home from school he turned his hog out, ignored everything I asked him to do, started arguments with both me and his brother.

I tried to get him to comply and/or talk about what was wrong but to no avail. Finally his activity was cancelled as the rule in our house is you have three choices: a) talk about what's up, even if just in general terms or b) get on with things with everyone or c) take a bit of time alone - the 'sulk and make everyone else pay' option is not allowed.

Before bed I asked him what was up. He told me it is hard to do what I ask because I am not his mum. I said it wasn't the issue me not being his mum, we have house rules here, which need to be followed and that he had a hand in setting. Not following the rules would end in sanction for him or DS and that's that.

Do you think DP should say anything tomorrow or leave it with what I did? Part of me wants DP to give him a lecture about trying to make it all about me - but is that just my hurt feelings/frustration talking?

DSS is still sad about his mum, to be blunt she is very disengaged and emotionally distant, this morning DSS had said to me he was sad, I know this sadness must be a big part of it. But when he gets sad about mum, he then turns his fire on me, and I don't know whether to soak it up or stand up for myself.

Any ideas welcomed. Apologies for long post!

[origamirose]

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'turn his hog out' BUT I can piece enough of it together to say that I think you should not be bringing it up tomorrow. You are understandably fed up and ur DSS is sad but getting your DP to talk to him tomorrow will drag the issue on over 2 days and probably give it more emphasis than the incident is due (he's already been punished adequately).

Your DP does need to know what happened in order for him to apply the same level of consistency if this issue cones up again.

[Kaluki]

If your DP brings it u tomorrow it will look as though your decisions don't hold weight unless they are backed up by him.
You dealt with the bad behaviour and he was punished. You know why he acted up so there is no reason for to drag it out.
I have always followto the rule that tomorrow is a new day - if the dc are awful on a Monday, they are punished on a monday and by Tuesday it is forgotten and we start again and so on...

[Beamur]

It sounds like you were fair and consistent. Tell your DP what happened if you need some sympathy and decompression, but I think you dealt with it well and enough was said and done.
Your DSS does need to adapt to accepting appropriate discipline from you - but even with non step kids, they will often kick off against it. Another way of looking at this is that your DSS has the confidence in you to be able to be push back and he did talk to you the following morning once he had chance to reflect a bit.
Maybe you need to do a bit of both - be able to soak up some of his frustrations and also to keep a firm but loving line of rules and behaviour.

[chelen]

Thanks. I think we're so frustrated sometimes its hard to move on. I feel like all we do is deal with bad moods. Tomorrow is another day you're right - but I anticipate a groundhog day

Turn his hog out = be very grumpy/bad tempered btw!

[brdgrl]

I like the phrase!

I agree with Kaluki, really - If your DP brings it u tomorrow it will look as though your decisions don't hold weight unless they are backed up by him. If it sounded as though DSS weren't responding to or respecting your discipline/reaction, I'd say yes, get DH involved - but it actually sounds pretty positive to me so I'd say you've got it handled and don't need DH to actively step in (obviously he shouldn't do anything that undermines it either, like letting DSS get away with the same type of thing on his watch!).


If he repeats the behaviour tomorrow, then you repeat the response tomorrow.

[chelen]

I was right about groundhog day. So want to have a nice day but have to be tough again. My niece had awful phase at this age and emerged age 10, I am hoping and hoping for something similar!

[Eliza22]

I think dh should speak to him and with you there. Ds's need to know that you and dh are "together" on this. The rules are there to work for EVERYONE in the household.

I had this with my youngest sd. She hasn't seen her dad though, for nearly 12 months on account of the fact that I told her to sort out her room and this was wrong as "she" (meaning me, who is married to her dad) has no rights, "she" is NOT my mother and it's MY home".

You just can't win.

[Eliza22]

Oh, and sd is 18, not an 8 yr old.

[chelen]

This is a fairly new development here, dss was fine with rules/discipline up to about 6 months ago. He gets cross with his dad too but I think he is trying the 'you're not my mum' line as an extra with me, I know that intellectually he grasps that homes have rules for good reason. But its his job to kick against them .

I am lucky because dp is as -heartless- consistent as me so at least the rules are clear and enforced.

Last night dss said he didn't think I should make so much effort for him because I'm not his mum. That made me a bit sad but then I thought on some level he was recognising the effort. What else can I do but carry on making the effort? Imagine, here in his main home, if I treated ds better. That would be awful. Sometimes I get dp to hand over the new clothes or whatever, but dss knows really its me. I think all the issue really stems from his mum making less effort than he would like.

[Kaluki]

It sounds like he is angry and confused because you are doing the nice things for him that his mum should be doing and even if he likes this he still resents the fact that his mum doesn't do these things and so he turns his anger on to you.
Poor boy.
You are doing a great job - hang in there!!

[MrsRhettButler]

Just want to say you sound like a lovely step mum :)

[chelen]

Really appreciate your kind comments - I feel like a big witch today so has helped a lot. Round 3 starts in 5 mins when he gets dropped off home. I have my best smile poised for another effort!

[Beamur]

chelen - I reckon you're spot on there - this is more about how his own Mum treats him, you're doing what he would really like his Mum to do, but he knows that's not going to happen. So even the nice things are tinged with regret.
That is so sad for him.

[NotaDisneyMum]

We had this a bit with DSD before she opted out - the contrast between how I behaved and how her mum did only emphasised what she considered to be her Mums shortcomings and she resented me for exposing that because she felt so guilty and conflicted about thinking less of her mum

She admitted to DP that she would prefer me to mean to her and DSS, because then she wouldn't have to like me

We think that DSS went through the same thing when he began to reject me; the counselling helped him a great deal - have you managed to sort anything out?

[chelen]

Hi NADM, yes we've found a counsellor. It took a while to hunt one out. Now just the logistics of getting there to sort. Aiming to do after summer as the holidays are always a mess.

[RandomMess]

Perhaps when your dss says things like "you shouldn't make such an effort" you could respond with something like "well I love you and so it's no problem to me but does it make you sad/angry/unhappy that it's not your mum doing it for you?"

"you'rs not my Mum" could = "I wish you were my Mum" or "I'm really missing my Mum"

It could well be worth reading both "how to talk so kids will listend..." and their follow on "siblings without rivalry"

Seems like he finds it hard to verbalise how he is feeling?

In the meantime he must love you both to bits to be testing your fair and consistent boundaries