Background
Been with DH 12 years, married for 10. I have no DC's, he has a DSS now 17. DSS lives with us 50:50 and has done for years, we swap over every Monday.
When I met DH I moved in very quickly, probably not such a great idea for DSS but in view of what happened next probably good for them both in the long term.
3 months after I moved in, DH had a life changing accident, spent 6 months in hospital, including 6 weeks in ICU on life support. He had been very active with DSS, swimming, cycling, going to the park. When he came out of hospital he was in wheelchair but can walk small distances. He has major health issues which have got worse and he doesn't now work. Because of this I have had to do more than a step mum would normally do. I've not been overstepping, I've done what had to be done because DH can't. This includes looking after DSS when DH couldn't, buying all his clothes, sorting out school holiday childcare, taking time off to look after him when needed. Ex;s view has been if we have DSS then it's up to us to sort out looking after him, asking her for help isn't an option.
When DH came out of hospital I had to stop work to care for him and then find part-time work. We had DSS back for daytime visits but within 2 months of DH coming out of hospital we went back to the old contact routine which at the time was whenever ex worked we had DSS (she worked shifts). So I was caring for DH and looking after 6 year old DSS. There were lots of times when DH would be unwell in bed and I would be trying to look after him, entertain DSS and do house work.
DH did go back to work again after 12 months and I went back to full time work after 18 months. But when we had DSS I did the school run and looked after him until DH came home from work. I got the "I'm not doing what you tell me because you're not my mum or dad" once & told him as I was an adult looking after him then he did have to do what I told him. But I think it remained in his head that he didn't actually have to, especially early on after a couple of instances.
He wanted biscuits after school and I said he could have a sandwich, toast or an apple. He didn't want those so I soon was told by ex that he needed a biscuit after school because he could have low blood sugar.Very early on DSS wanted to take his new cap to school and I said no in case he lost it or he got it stolen or dirty. DSS then went & cried over DH who of course told him he could.
That was how things have been since. I never disciplined DSS, DH was supposed to that but never in front of me and any consequence for bad behaviour was not followed through. I used to ask DSS to do things but DSS would usually ignore me so in end if I wanted DSS to do anything I had to ask DH to ask DSS to do it. This I eventually realised was being phrased as "can you do x just to keep the peace". And if I did ask DSS to do anything or to do something differently DH would say that he didn't have to or what I had asked him to do wasn't important so didn't have to be done. If I did attempt to discipline DSS DH would have a massive go at me and ignore whatever behaviour of DS was out of line.
DH and DSS have a very close relationship so when DSS was with us I would leave them to whatever activity they were doing. We didn't do any adult or real life things when DSS was with us, we could do them in the week when DSS was with his Mum. We only watched children's TV and they sat together on the sofa while I sat on the other side of the room. I wonder now if we should have made more effort to show DSS that we were a couple rather than me just being in the background. When DSS is with us it feels like it's DH& DSS and then me rather than DH & me and DSS IYSWIM
Eventually I decided the issues that were important to me were
- table manners (not talking with mouth full, using knife & fork properly, no elbows on table and not shoving all the food in mouth at once)
- Do homework
DSS hasn't got great table manners, and we have every meal together at the table. I gave up mentioning table manners because DSS would always talk with his mouth full and always use his fork as a shovel. You'd think if something was mentioned all the time you'd remember but he never did and the outcome of me mentioning anything would be DH having a massive go at me. DH can be awkward and DSS is the same at times. I think he did do stuff on purpose to provoke a row between me & DH. His favourite thing used to be to give me a load of backchat that DH couldn't hear, provoke a reaction from me that DH would hear and then watch the huge row. DH has said, in front of DSS, that he would always defend DSS even if DSS was in the wrong until DSS was 18.
Nowadays I don't look at DSS when we're eating because it takes such an effort not to mention table manners. DH just copies DSS bad manners and I'm left looking petty all the time.
Anything else I tried not to get stressed about. He doesn't have to do homework now as he's left school but we had such a battle last year over revising, mainly because of different expectations in each house. Our house DSS revised and in mum's house he didn't. DH would enforce revising rules (2 hours a day) but when he didn't feel like a battle I had to & then got grief from both of them. DH doesn't want DSS to think badly of him but it's fine for me to be the evil stepmother. My MIL knew we were doing this and I said to her I didn't care if DSS thought I was a cow because GCSE's were so important. Of course when he got his good results MIL told him she didn't care how he did so long as he was happy. Again I look like the evil step mother. My opinion is only sought if DH doesn't want DSS to do something but doesn't want to tell him himself, so I get asked what I think. This is so I can say no instead.
But a couple of things recently have left me thinking that the situation is never going to get better and maybe I should just leave.
DH was out but wanted DSS to tidy up outside & have a bonfire. We were having the In-laws for tea so I wanted everything done and ready for when they arrived. DSS had not got up till 12 then settled himself on the sofa playing warcraft. I asked him to make a start outside as I wanted it all done before MIL arrived .Did mention he should be doing more round the house ( I know ex thinks he treats her house like a hotel). Not happy but he goes & starts up outside. They are outside until 20 minutes before MIL is due.
They come in & DSS says see I've been helping all afternoon & you think I don't do anything. DH furious that I would say such a thing & we have a row. Told me that DSS won't do more because I don't speak to him nicely enough therefore he won't be doing more. DSS has told me in the past he only has to do chores because I'm lazy. Bearing in mind that DH is disabled I do everything around the house.
MIL & FIL in-law arrive to an atmosphere. I had thought we'd been getting on well enough but obviously not.
The other problem I have is with money. DH doesn't work, he receives IB & DLA. I've got a good job so I can support us and DH does give me even small share of any bills and but generally I pay for all shopping, bills, decorating and holidays. Despite this DH insists on spoiling DSS., he only has to mention something once & it's his. Over the years he's had various expense (over £1,000 each) stuff. Usually once the thing is bought DSS isn't interested, DH keeps thing for ages then looses lots of money when thing is sold.
DSS is working now as an apprentice on apparentice wages. Exw makes him pay over quite a bit for housekeeping, phone etc but we're not done that because he usually ends up with no money & DH has to sub him. He has a scooter for transport, DH bought it and DSS was to repay DH part of cost. Never happened. I pay the insurance but have said that when it renews DSS is to pay. DSS not getting used to managing his money, we had had numerous chats about budgeting and how much he could save each month. He was spending lots on extra food during the day, so we give him more packed lunch. Still wastes his money. He wanted a laptop before Xmas, had a chat about saving for it and he agreed to do that but then Ex bought him a £450 laptop on interest free credit & put £50 towards it. He's paying this off each month and put his xmas money towards. He doesn't know how many months left to pay nor how he much he's paying each month. When we had a chat about this last week it appears that the interest free period is ended and his mum is picking up the extra costs. When I said that wasn't very good for his mum, DSS told me he didn't care about that and didn't like my attitude.
Last month he didn't have enough money at end of month for transport, ex refused to give him any & DH subbed him again. Cue another talk about budgeting. DSS thinks he won't bother with insuring the scooter and wants a motorbike instead. Within 2 weeks DH has bought a bike and it will be done up for DSS to use. The insurance will be more than the cost of the bike and neither of them knows what the running costs are. DSS are hardly afford to run the scooter never mind a bike. He also now needs bike lessons, & to pay for the test.
DH & I had a chat about waiting until DSS was 18 as ex says she'll have sorted out a car by then & maybe he should wait to see what happened. But yet again I'm ignored and the bike just appears. Every thing DH buys for DSS is because I pay for everything else. We need a new appliances but these will only be bought when I've saved up for them. My question is am I an evil stepmother? AIBU to expect DH to take account of my views on spending ? If I leave they can't afford to stay in the house we're in, the living costs are too high and their life style will change completely. I feel worn down with it all, unappreciated and treated like I'm just here to pay for everything. Put up and shut up seems to be what I'm expected to do.
