When does your dp's child become your step-child?

[DailyMailSpy]

Is black and white, their your dp's children until you are married then they become your step-children, or do you become a step-parent when you move in together?

DP and I have been together since DS was 2, he's now 5 and we live together. DP is a huge part of ds's life, treats him as his own and they both love each other very much. Would DS be classed as his step-son only when we marry? And if we choose not to marry would he always just be his partners son?

[DailyMailSpy]

*is it black and white

[brdgrl]

Are you looking for a legal definition, a linguistic distinction, or a defintition based on emotional and practical realities?

[clinkclink]

My dss is my dss even though dh and I are not married. Dss himself announced one day that I was his stepmum - he liked having a label to put on me and my relationship.

[DailyMailSpy]

brdgrl the last two :)

That's a nice way of putting it clinkclink, DP has been a big part of DS's life since he was months old (ive known him for years previous to being together), calling him his stepdad feels right because he's so much more to DS than 'my mums boyfriend' but sounds strange still sometimes because we're unmarried.

[Pandygirl]

I felt like a stepmum from moving in with DH, now we're married it makes no difference to the relationship between us all, (but I'd never expect the girls to call me anything but andy)

[NotaDisneyMum]

For me, it was when I moved in (nearly 2 years ago), but it took the DCs longer - I was chuffed as nuts when DSS described me as 'his stepmum' to a friend outside school a few weeks ago

DD has told DP that he isn't a 'proper stepdad' because we're not married - although recently she has conceded that he is a step'ish dad!

I don't think the label matters as long as the relationship is secure and developing

But, there is a legal difference. If you are unmarried and your partner dies, you have fewer rights in family court in terms of the DCs maintaining contact with you; something to consider if you are an important part of your DSC's lives but their mum doesn't recognise it.

[floweryblue]

I've been with DP for 10 years, he has two boys aged 13 and 15, I've known them and their mother since the very early days of my relationship with DP.

Now, 15 year old has lived with us for just over a year but I still don't feel able to call myself a step-mum, even though 15YO does describe me as such and both DP and his XW think I am.

I can't fully explain why I can't describe myself as a step-mum, even though I am a step-mum, maybe it's because I never had children myself?

[AhoySailor]

Firstly, hello everyone ... first time on here, so wanted to get involved and say hello.

To reply to your question DailyMailSpy ... I still don't see myself as a Step Mum (I don't think I ever will!!). I don't have any kids of my own, so I suppose the whole maternal thing has just never 'kicked in'

Have been with my partner for over two and a half years and he has a son from his previous marriage (I was not the cause of their break up) ... my partners now ex-wife decided she wanted to sleep around with anything and everything and eventually walked away from the family home (taking the child with her ... plus her much older child from a previous relationship of hers) when the child was 2, which initially devastated my partner, but he is very thankful he is away from her now, knowing whats he knows now.

Partners son is 7 and I was first introduced to him when he was 4. I think we both tolerate each other, but we are never going to be best mates, let alone me being any motherly figure for him.

It's difficult to explain, but I suppose if you feel like you are a motherly type figure for your partners child then yes you can certainly call yourself a step mum (even if you aren't married to your partner), but if you aren't quite both 'singing from the same song sheet' most of the time, then I suppose you can, at best just classify yourself as 'daddy's girlfriend/daddy's partner' and at best just try to be the child's friend.

[AhoySailor]

I read your post again DailyMailSpy ... I think it depends on how comfortable your partner feels by being labelled as a step dad ... and how your child feels about your partner.

[Kaluki]

I call DSS and DSD my stepchildren to people I don't know very well as its just easier. To my friends they are just DPs kids.
Their Mum has a bf that she tells them to call Daddy, which confuses them so we had a long talk with them both about stepmums and step dads etc and they said they think of me and her bf as stepparents so that is good I think.
I do feel a bit uneasy with the title stepmum, because I hated my stepmum so to me it has bad connotations but its rarely used - except on MN so I'm not too fussed.
I have a grown up DSD from a previous relationship who I have known since she was a child and my dc refer to her as their sister. She never referred to me as stepmum, I was always Dad's gf or Kaluki.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

DD refers to my DP as his first name. The same goes for her dads partner. But she probably isnt old enough to understand the concept of step parents. She knows this baby will call DP daddy and is ok with that.

As "the mum" it wouldnt annoy me if her dads partner became "stepmum" to her, what does annoy me though, is his partner thinking she has any right to make decisions. She patronizes me. Undermines me to DD and is generally too big for her boots.

Thats probably not helpful at all to the original question though!!!

[AhoySailor]

I have to admit Kaluki I have never referred to my partners child as my step son ... ever.

Whenever I meet people I introduce the SS as my partners son and he calls me dad's gf (when talking to others) or just my name, when talking to me ... which is fine by me.

The 'issue' of stepmum was raised by partners son this summer when he stayed over for a week ... apparently 'Mummy said if daddy and his gf get married then that would make AhoySailor your stepmum' ... which had totally confused the SS (because me and my partner have never ever referred to me as being his stepmum).

I wasn't there at the time, so my partner just said something like 'you don't have to call AhoySailor your stepmum, it's AhoySailor to you'

I know I might be looking too far into this, but we (me and partner) were wondering whether ex-wife is (once again) trying to get further information, in a round-about way, about our possible future intentions

(my partner and the biomum have FINALLY completed the divorce process ... no thanks to her stalling every step of the way and generally just being a first class pain in the ass ...) so marriage is the very last thing on my partners mind right now

[overmydeadbody]

I tihnk when you feel like a parent to the child, love them, take part in their development, go to school meetings and generally act like a family, you can call yiourself their step-parent, whether you are marreid or not.


DP started refering to himself as DS's stepdad when he felt like it was right. DS refers to him to others as his step dad but obviously calls him by name.

It's a personal thing isn't it? For both the adult involved, and the child.

[AhoySailor]

I think that's very well said overmydeadbody ... if you feel like a parent to the child (and the child is secure with it too), and you act like a family, then yes, I think people can call themselves a step-parent.

As you may have guessed by my posts, me and his son aren't like that with each other, so I don't look upon him as a SS and he doesn't see me as a SM,

[NotaDisneyMum]

overmy some very loving and committed step-parents would view attending school meetings as "overstepping" in a big way - there have been numerous heated discussions here about it!

[smilingthroughgrittedteeth]

I refer to my DP's (not married) children as my SC on here or when talking to people I don't know well, to my friends they are x and x dp's children.

They refer to me as DP's gf when talking to people but have recently said that they view me in the same light as they do their aunts which I'm happy with.

DP is quite clear in his own mind that I am their sm and have a parental role.

We are all happy with the labels we have each given me in the context of our family so to us it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

[overmydeadbody]

NotaDisney I didn't know it was heated! I guess it's a personal thing isn't it, between the parents and step-parents involved. And maybe whether or not the non resident parent is in the child's life and attends parenting evenings etc.

In our case, my DS is AS and so we are quite involved with the school, and DP has felt like attending meetings, talking to staff about his concerns etc. etc. He lives iwth DS, is invooved in his learning, supports him with homwork and with feeling setled and secure in school, and obviously if DS struggles at school it has a knock on effect at home, and DP lives with us so is fully part of that.

My DS's dad, on the other hand, hasn't bothered to see DS for over 7 years, knows nothing about his life or struggles or anything. DP has stepped in as his male role model and supporter.

[NotaDisneyMum]

I not saying that one way is right or wrong - just that feeling like a parent to a child may not manifest itself in the same way for everyone - and what may be natural parenting for one step-parent may be interfering and controlling on the part of another