I'm not sure I look forward to the future. Advice please.

[robina63]

i have recently split up with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. I am incredibly sad about this, I love him and i feel incredibly guilty that I couldn?t make it work. He co parents his daughter and has a demanding ex. I couldn?t embrace all the drama and emotional turbulence, I couldn?t detach and felt more and more resentful and would find myself crying over the silliest thing.
I had posted on here 6 months previously about my apprehensions about the future of our relationship and received some really good advice and insight which I appreciated. My main issues were that i didnt have much quality time with my partner as he works long hours and co parents his daughter 50:50 with his ex who lives 10minutes from his house. He is the greatest hands on dad and I love that about him and i have a loving relationship with his daughter. However i often felt like i was being sucked up, and that there wasn?t any room for me and my needs and that our relationship wasn?t able to grow in a healthy manner. I was always having to adapt to everybody elses needs. There was never a honeymoon period and there was always some drama going on with his ex who he would pander too as he doesn?t like conflict. We never had a weekend away together in the time we were together, let alone a holiday together. He works on Saturdays and on Sundays he has his daughter and he didn?t want to upset the rota. I am 36 and at an age where i would love to settle down and think about having my own children, but felt that i could never explore that as i wasnt having any time with my partner and that i was unsure as to whether i wanted a life always worrying about the next predicament that his ex was going to get herself involved with. He was very much up for the idea of having children with me but I felt too unsettled and unstable with all the chaos he was involved with. He always said that things would be different if we lived together but I felt unsure, my main concern was that it would be worse as I would be living with it all 24/7. We broke up 2 months ago but I am still very emotionally involved. He has just found out that his ex has decided that she wants to marry her new boyfriend of six months and move to Scotland, we live in London and she either wants to leave her 7 year old daughter in London with him full time till she feels she is sorted enough to take her daughter to Scotland or she wants to take her daughter with her - she is still undecided. Either way it?s going to be incredibly upsetting for the daughter not to have both her parents on hand. He is distraught and has suddenly realized that he has been so concerned about upsetting his ex for the past three years and hasn?t put himself or his own needs first. He wants us to try again with our relationship, to make it work but I have huge reservations as I feel that once this drama has settled there will be another, and that this is how it will be. Also there is going to be a real change if he keeps his daughter or if the mum does take her. He will have less time either way for himself as if he isn?t being a full time dad he will be travelling to and from Scotland on his time off. Basically I am beating myself up with wanting to be supportive and in the back of my mind I want this to work but I need to toughen up but then I also have the urge to run. So I?m not sure what I?m asking here really but I just wanted to offload. I probably want someone to say it will all be okay and that love is enough. And that every relationship has it difficulties so just embrace. I don?t know what is normal anymore! And reading some of the posts on here i know my situation isnt that bad. I don?t know whether I have just got too involved and I should let him deal with the ex in his own way and keep out of it. But it riles me so! I love him to bits but I?m not sure how healthy this is for me. My friends and family are exhausted with it all and I can?t talk to them about it anymore and that is why I am here. Any insight or advice? does it get easier? do you just adapt? or do you just drink more alcohol?!!Many thanks

[ladygagoo]

I think I remember your previous posts about your DP and his DD.
Sounds as though nothing much has changed, he totally prioritises his relationship with his daughter over you (rightly or wrongly). I am surprised his ex is thinking about moving so far away. Most parents who split and wish to co-parent just aren't able to make such a long distance move and frankly I'm surprised your (ex)DP is going along with it. I would be fighting it.

If he does end up with full time responsibility for his DD, I'm sure it would suit him very well that you get back together. Who better to help him look after her while he works his long hours...

Sorry to sound negative about it all (in very few cases love really does conquer all) but I just don't think there is anything in this for you.

I would use this opportunity to try to emotionally detach from the situation and try to move forward with your life (and hopefully meet someone who really wants to be in a relationship with you first and foremost)

Good luck

[glasscompletelybroken]

I think you are right to think this will just be one drama of many and that there will always be something to deal with - whether you can live with this only you know.

Regarding his ex threats to move - we have had years of DH exW threatening to move away with the DC's and we evetually went to a solicitor who recommended going to court to get a joint residency order in place which stipulates the curent set up - 50/50 split between mum & dad. That way she can't just move as it wouldn't be possible to maintain the living arrangements and she would be in breach of the court order.

If she does move to Scotland and takes the child then all his spare time will be spent travelling up and down to visit. If you feel you don't have any time with him now then how will you feel then? if you have children with him how will you feel when he leaves you and your child at weekends to visit his other child in Scotland?

I don't know the answers but there certainly are a lot of questions I would want answered before getting back into this relationship.

[ladydeedy]

It sounds like you already know the answer to this one. You've said it yourself, really. It just would never end and you have split up now anyway, so what could possibly make you want to go back now that your mind is made up?
Think of yourself and your own future and all the exciting possibilities out there waiting for you. I would really recommend you stop having any contact with your ex now that you are split up. There's no need and you need to focus on the future for YOU. That way it'll be easier for you to move on to the next chapter of your life. Good luck - it may seem dark now but you will get through - the more quickly without this distraction.

[ImperialBlether]

It sounds like a nightmare situation to be in and I completely understand why you want to be out of it.

I'm really angry with him that he would so easily have another child now when he knows he already has such huge commitments that are causing you unhappiness (not the child, but her mother and the way he acts with them.) He should be thinking extremely hard before having another child, not just casually agreeing to it.

[boxyfoxy]

If I were you, I'd walk away, hard, but in the end you will save yourself heartache and stress. I am a full time step parent to my partners kids, they live with us, it's not easy, and sometimes I wish I would have walked away, but now we have a daughter together, so she is close to her siblings, etc so not so easy to just jump out. I would say, if you get out now, you won't regret it, if you stay you might, and it's hard to live with that kind of regret.

[Lostinsuffolk]

I too think u shld cut ur losses n walk away for ur own life which will be what u make it. It sounds like u put up with a lot of crap n now ur on ur own it's scary and a bit lonely to have time for u but u know deep down ur feelings are telling u what u know is true. Don't regret ur relationship but use it to find what you want. Keep ur chin up x

[Eliza22]

It's really hard but, it is the best thing to walk away. I say this as one who, 3 years ago, married a lovely man. He's still a lovely man, so no regrets there but, his youngest dd won't see him because he's "changed since you met HER". The writing was on the wall, long ago. He has 3 dc. I get on fine and dandy with two of them, especially his daughter. Before I moved in, I expressed my big concerns about his youngest dd as it was obvious she wasn't happy. Dh said "she'll be fine. She really will have to come to terms with it as I don't need her permission who I marry". BOLD WORDS. He's a loving dad. A great dad. There, 100% for his kids.

Seven years on, his daughter will not see him, because of me. So, I have to look forward to this crap ad infinitum. And way ahead, into the future.....

[robina63]

Thanks for all your advice. I feel awful and incredibly sad. I feel like ive let him down when now is when i should be sticking by him. But for my own mental state I think I am doing the right thing. But am finding it really hard to detach from them both. I feel sad that he didnt stick up for himself more. And sad that i couldnt detach and let him get on with it without letting it affect me. But found that too impossible. Am going to have to really try to keep myself mentally and physically occupied so that i dont brood too much. Wish it would stop raining! Again, many thanks.

[matana]

I'm sorry you felt there was no other way than to end your relationship, that's really sad. I suppose everybody has their limit and you felt yours had been reached, with good reason by the sounds of it.

Most relationships grow to accommodate new relationships - whether it's your ex DP adapting his approach to his ex and his DD to accommodate your needs, or a couple growing their relationship to bring a new child into the world. On both counts it takes a lot of hard work and sometimes fails.

Not sure if it's any help or not but i'm pleased i gave my relationship with my DH a few goes, otherwise we would not now have our wonderful 18mo DS. We are (mostly) extremely happy. The downside to this is that we are both now struggling to come to terms with the fact that his eldest DD has chosen not to have a relationship with him (not because of DS, but because she has been systematically alienated over many years by her mother who effectively allowed her to choose whether or not she saw my DH).

My attitude was always that i loved him and knew, sort of, what i was getting into - i.e. i knew he had two DDs. I also knew his ex could be, ahem, difficult. But i made the choice that i had never loved anyone like DH and probably never would again, so we worked through things. That said, he has always been able to listen to me and adapted to my 'needs' - often requiring compromises on both sides. The first few years were difficult and actually not really because of his ex and DDs. He suffered from depression because he missed his DDs which took a tremendous toll on our relationship. We separated and got back together several times - a real case of 'can't live, can't live without'. In the end i gave him an ultimatum: shape up or i'm shipping out. For Good. That was it and we've never looked back. Today, we have been together for ten years.

Nobody can really advise you what to do unfortunately because it's so, so subjective. I wanted to give you a different conclusion in the hope it might also help. Fwiw, i'd do it all again tomorrow and we've had many, many challenges along the way. The way i see it, if you got to the end of your life and you were offered the chance to do it again, wouldn't you take the opportunity, despite remembering the many bad times? In relationships i don't think opting out when the going gets bad is necessarily the right thing to do - though there are clearly exceptional circumstances. It depends where you draw the line personally, and i think you have probably drawn it?

[glasscompletelybroken]

matana I think there is a world of difference between a married or committed couple with children "opting out" when the going gets bad and what Robina is doing.

She is not married and has no kids with her exP. They don't want the same things and even if her exP wanted to give her what she wants (stable, secure, committed, loving relationship with kids) he just isn't able to because of his circumstances. She is not opting out - she is making a brave and painful decision to give herself the chance to meet someone with who she can build the life she really wants.

[matana]

I was talking very generally when i said about 'opting out' and i didn't mean it to sound like a criticism directed at the OP. Hopefully i've said enough in the rest of my post to show that i really do empathise and am genuinely sorry the OP is in this situation. I wanted to offer a different perspective and potential outcome, whatever that is worth. But hey, i'm an eternal optimist.

I didn't marry my DH until three ago and had my DS just 18 months ago so i spent 7 years in this relationship which had neither marriage nor children to glue us together. What i was saying was that in our case, the relationship did grow and evolve over the year, for the better, which many actually do. Ultimately it is the OP's decision where the boundaries lie.

OP - sorry if i caused you any offence.

[crazyhead]

I remember your post and think I posted before. Good for you for ending it and trying to move things on. I think you should still stick to the basic premise that a happy relationship will give a sense of calmness and ease to it that this doesn't appear to give you.

Perhaps this isn't the right thing to say, but have you tried going on a fun blind date, or going away on a holiday with friends, or anything at all fun and gentle, since the split? It sounds like you need that more than anything to be honest. You can't possibly expect for everything to have fallen into place with such a recent split, but you can explore why you are an alright person outside ANY relationship x

[Eliza22]

It's a cliche but, you really do have to do this a step at a time. Ending a relationship you've invested in heavily, can lead to a very real bereavement process.

Try to keep telling yourself that you've now got a chance to go on to a relationship that is better for you and your future happiness. What you have left behind wasn't right for you and you've been brave enough to acknowledge that.

[robina63]

Thanks for your advice. Much appreciated. Manatan ? no offence taken ? glad it worked for you.

we are still seperated but am finding it all bit of a rollercoaster. Last week was feeling a bit zen and thinking perhaps the universe has sent me this situation and that I should embrace and grow as a person and be more loving and perhaps it?s my destiny that I am to help bring up a little person. This week though am feeling really angry with myself, my ex and the situation. It?s still up in the air as to whether the mum is taking her daughter or not, and he is sticking his head in the sand whilst ive been printing him out about family law. It?s so hard and detaching myself is so very painful. Am looking at doing voluntary work in South America, anything really to get away and take my mind off things. Bit drastic and kind of running away I suppose but don?t know how else to do this!

Hopefully it will get easier.
thanks again

[Lostinsuffolk]

After posting advice here for u I ended up taking it myself. I've left my DP n currently staying with a good girl friend. I think I realised the similarities in our lives n when I looked at my relationship in the cold light of day situation was so like urs. I've had the shittest week but know things will get better. Am devastated like you, but know I've made the right decision. Hope doth America goes well, have fun n enjoy yourself ... x

[Kaluki]

Sorry to hear that Lost.
Sometimes I think it is just a matter of time before I throw in the towel
It's too hard at times isn't it