Am I unreasonable to feel offended that partner's child calls me coconut when trying to annoy me?

[Pedigree]

That's it, really, I'm mixed race, and know this is a racially derogatory term. He just starts singing the term out of the blue followed by my name when he is annoyed with me.

Frankly, he is 6 so I doubt he knows what he is saying, but I'm sure his mum, who is an avid Daily Mail reader does. His dad sometimes tells racist jokes but doesn't seem to grasp the idea of why I don't find them funny, he thinks is just "normal" and "what people do".

I have been thinking of ending the relationship for more than a year, this is feeling like that tiny last straw. Am I over reacting?

[pictish]

Nope. Do continue with your plan to get well shot.

Racism is what people do - if they're a moron!

[ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor]

Erm...why are you with this man? He sounds like a prat. To let his son get away with that kind of thing is v. bad, but to make racist jokes himself as well?

Ugh, just ugh.

[Devora]

You are certainly not overreacting. Your partner's tolerance of this would be a complete deal-breaker for me.

[Dee03]

Get shot of him straight away

[Pedigree]

I don't know if he had noticed the singing yet, I was thinking of telling him about it, but I thought he would dismiss my views as "being silly", so just wanted to double check and someway try to get some "back up" to prove I'm not being over sensitive.

[yellowraincoat]

Get rid.

[allgoodindahood]

Why would you want to be with someone who tells racist jokes? Esp as a mixed race woman? I'm black. Dh is white. I'm more likely to tell a racist joke than he is! (i wouldn't of course). He is respectful and tolerant, as are his family. You really shouldn't accept this.

[Pedigree]

I think is plain ignorance, not that that justifies the behaviour though.

I'm not the only 'minority' in the family, partner's brother in law is black and the ex wife's new partner is asian. Having said that, before the child started calling me coconut, he used to sing around calling me by the name of his mum's asian partner.

Frankly, i don't give a hoot at what kind of behaviour he allows her child to have with her new partner, but, I'm not prepared to put up with it.

[Pedigree]

I'm sorry for the dreadful grammar and spelling, I'm posting from my phone and can't see what I'm writing properly.

[Longdistance]

I'm with the dump him band wagon.
It's unacceptable behaviour, and not funny at all. Leave him and explain why. But, don't give him a chance, he's being disrespectful to you x

[Pedigree]

I would say mother rather than father, she is nasty piece of work.

My partner is a softie, and he really goes out of his way to care for other people. My son loves him, but part of being a softie is that he can't see fault on his child's bahaviour and lets him go away with murder. Interestingly... He has very high expectations of how my child should behave.

On the other hand, there are a lot of other factors that make us incompatible, sometimes I think we were brought up in different planets.

Things have not been good for a long time, but the behaviour of the child is really affecting us, he is very prone to tantrums (inc kicking, pinching and scratching dad at the smallest disagreement). The dad gets ver nervous at the child being upset, so Ds and I are normally walking on egg shells to avoid the tantrums, and also to avoid being blamed for " upsetting" the child. The singing of the word coconut is just the icing on yhe cake.

[PurplePidjin]

Take away the racism, and you still have a 6yo child being allowed to call an adult names.

Add in a culture of casual racism in the family and I recommend you run for the hills. They will never respect you.

I speak as a white woman living with a black man. My 91yo grandmother is thrilled that I'm pg with her first ggc. Age and background have fuck all to do with showing courtesy to another human being! (She has dm tendencies herself, hence the relevance to this discussion)

[Eliza22]

Please walk away from him, his ex (because you do take on the SE, if you take this man and his child) and the poor little boy who thinks its ok to behave this way, because his parents are the worst kind of discriminatory, small minded bigots.

You deserve better. In fact, don't walk....R...U...N!

[Pedigree]

It is not that i'm being naive, I have dealt with enough racism to make me grow a thicker skin. So sometimes I feel the need to check to find out if I am being oversensitive. Coconut is a racist term widely used in the US and South Africa, but I was not sure if this was as bad in Britain.

BTW, my ex MIL totally adores my son, but everytime she doesn't get something from health to behaviour issues, she questions whether this could be due to my racial background. Obviously having bigots in my family is not an experience I am prepared to go through again, but when you are told repeatedly that "it is not racism but the truth" (this gem by my former MIL) or that you are being too sensitive, you start to doubt yourself.

[BertieBotts]

It's not that well known, I only heard a similar term last year for the first time, although I am white so less likely to come across it.

However, I think in the way he's using it it's clear that either he knows exactly what it means, or somebody else does and hence has been using it about you in front of him. You could give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he just thinks it's a funny nickname not really understanding the context, however, the adults around him really should be telling him it's inappropriate in that case.

It's unacceptable however commonly-used the term is.

[lambethlil]

I'd dump a friend who a)let their children call me names or b)thought racist 'jokes' were ok.

[RabidAnchovy]

Vile little child, I would not have him in my home until he learnt to behave

[Pedigree]

"I think in the way he's using it it's clear that either he knows exactly what it means, or somebody else does and hence has been using it about you in front of him"

My thoughts exactly Bertie. I think it was the mum, as she has a sense of entitlement and being right people call her Queen Jane (names changed by obvious reasons), she even asked to "vet" me to be sure I was safe around her child, that after she got engaged and moved in a psycho into her house, who she had only dated for four weeks. New Asian guy seems lovely though.

[NewYearsDaysie]

I'm not sure whether a 6 year old would know exactly what the term meant but I'm sure he should know its wrong.
Sounds like he's pushing to see how far he has to go before his Dad stands up for you rather than ignoring the comments.

[PurplePidjin]

A 6yo should be told off for calling names. This to me seems like a problem with the adults surrounding the child.

Dp would be looking for things to drop on the head of someone who called him that (in his own words) Ditto Bounty bar Its not the truth and you're not being oversensitive. It's bullying and demeaning.

[Kaluki]

I've never heard the word coconut used as a racist comment and I have a lot of black / mixed race relatives.
BUT he should be told not to say it as it offends you. That should be enough.
And your DH telling racist jokes is frankly appalling

[Pedigree]

He comes with this jokey sweeping remarks about the Irish sometimes,he doesn't find them racist perhaps because the Irish are white, but I'm as dark as someone from indian descent and that doesn't give me the right to be mean to them.

i'm starting to wonder again if I am taking the wrong end of the stick...

[PurplePidjin]

This is not your fault, and blaming yourself is a common reaction to a lifetime of low level digs and put downs.

It is not acceptable for people to treat you like that!

[mamalovesmojitos]

I didnt know that was a racist term, however that's not the point. A relationship is meant to be built on love, trust, respect. It sounds like your dp is not stepping up to the mark. I think you could do much better.