Redhen - are you OK

[Petal02]

Hi Redhen, last time we heard from you, things were difficult. Are you able to update us?

Thinking about you.

xx

[thewickedestsm]

Me too...

[theredhen]

Hi Petal and WSM,

Yes, I'm Ok, thanks for asking.

I've had two sessions of counselling for myself. I'm not sure how that is going but to be honest, I think the counsellor is trying to find something that isn't there. I get the impression he thinks the kids and ex wife issues are just a cover for me not really loving DP and I'm making excuses not to commit to him properly etc. Like I say, I've only had two sessions and he may well be right, but I don't think so and perhaps only people who have lived in the situation can only really understand how it takes control and power away from the step parent. However, he has pointed out some (really obvious) stuff about how if I let the kids speak to me badly, they will continue to do and will think it's OK. It doesn't matter if there are any consequences or not for DP, I have every right to stand up for myself (and DS) against bad mouthing / critisism / rudeness in my own home. He also told me that I am letting DP get what he wants by me clamming up, getting upset and stewing on things when DP refuses to talk or deflects about issues with step kids and ex wife. I basically refused to speak to him properly for a day until I felt I had been listened to. Childish? Maybe, but it worked and I finally got him to actually listen while keeping myself calm but very firm. I actually feel like I got through to him. I know it doesn't mean everything is OK now, but I do feel as if it's a bit of a breakthrough. DP behaviour and attitude toward my DS is MUCH better too.

We also have good news about Relate, we finally have an appointment in a few weeks time after me nagging them. So that will be interesting. I'm holding out a lot of hope for this.

I have come to realise that the kids are being subjected to parental alienation syndrome but with the added difficulty of them actually living with us a third of the time (most perpetrators ensure that the kids don't have time with the other parent). They have distorted memories, take no pleasure in anything we do with or for them, they lie and defend their Mother with the most ridiculous dramatisations. I have seen correspondence between their Mother and the kids where their Mother openly ridicules and encourages the kids to ridicule their father whilst in our home. I could go on. So, I suppose I actually feel a bit sorry for them all right now. DP has mentioned a few times about how he has "lost" his kids and how he doesn't feel like bothering anymore. A real surprise to anyone who knows how he has carried on in the past. He doesn't encourage them to come for any extra time at all and is in fact asking to take them back to his ex earlier than he would have done in the past.

I informed my letting agent of the wish to get my house back, but the actual forms don't have to signed until later this month when the 2 months notice starts. I'll be honest, I am stalling on that one. Ironically DP and I getting along much better and I do actually feel closer to him, maybe I am just scared? The counselling has helped me to "box off" the ex wife and the kids and take a look at our relationship without those "issues" and I can see that I do love him but I am very resentful of his behaviour regarding the kids and ex.

So the crux of the matter is that I love DP but I don't love the lack of control over my own life that comes with living with him. I need to feel that we are a "team" parenting the kids together and will treat them all the same no matter what. Ultimately I know that could mean pushing the kids away, but I know that the relationship with his kids is hanging by a thread anyway through no fault of his own. Perhaps Relate will help him to decide the best way forward especially if he realises that the situation as it is, is a deal breaker for me.

I do feel more positive, if only because things are actually happening. I also feel a little bit scared. I know I mustn't fall into the trap of just "putting up" with things and letting things slide for fear of making a scene. I've spent two years doing that and acheived nothing, time to start doing things differently.

[thewickedestsm]

Good for you. You seem to have got a lot out of the councelling in a short time - keep it up. One thing my counsellor said to me is that both she and I need to be aware of not jumping ahead too quickly. If you are emotionally intelligent (like you and I RedHen ) you process all of the theory very quickly but you need to give your heart time to catch up. So take it slow.

Really pleased things with DP are looking up. and I can really relate to the "withdrawing" that he is doing. It must be a defence mechanism.

Sounds like classic alienation by the way. When Oh when will authorities recognise this

[theredhen]

Yes, counsellor has told me I am very emotionally intelligent , but he also told me I need to stop spending so much time analysing and watching and more time FEELING and not being frightened to just do that.

There is so much more I could quote about the PAS, I think it helps to realise that the kids aren't just rude, ungrateful little brats, but actually emotionally damaged young people who have had the ability to think independently robbed from them by their Mother. The trouble is there is nothing either DP or I can do about it. I think he needs to realise that all the "trying" in the world by him isn't going to work, they're still going to treat him terribly.

[thewickedestsm]

I think the men need counselling too.. but sadly, no amount of counselling that Dad or StepMum has will sort out the problems of an emotional car crash of a mother.

I need to do that feeling rather than thinking thing too.

[chelen]

Hi Redhen, so glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. Hopefully the Relate counselling will help.

[theredhen]

I think that's important to remember, I can't change the emotionally abusive Mother of my step children, so how do I learn to live with the situation? Having a DP who was prepared to stand by his values, stand up for his children and discipline them firmly and fairly would make a massive difference to me. I want to feel that we are a strong team that are solid in our values and beliefs and I know that he will always do the right thing.

What I actually get is a weak man who has no confidence in his parenting ability (mainly caused by the constant critisism from his ex), a man fearful of losing contact with his kids, a man who will tolerate terrible behaviour and attitudes from his ex and children, all to try and "keep the peace" whilst slowly eroding the relationship that he has with his new partner.

There needs to be some big changes and they can only come from him, I wouldn't really blame him if he couldn't make those changes, it carries the real risk of losing his kids.

The reality for him is that he either risks losing his kids or he loses me. Bit of a bum decision for him to make really isn't it?

[theredhen]

But you know what? How I FEEL matters too.

I want to feel happy, not guilty, not resentful, not bitter, not angry, not frustrated, not powerless and not damn bloody miserable and it's about time I starting making that the most important priority.

[chelen]

I'll to that, how you feel matters a huge amount.

[Smum99]

What progress Redhen:) and you have described the situation for me (& I think others).

I think authorities do need to understand that people's behaviour isn't moving as quickly as legislation - i.e you can legislate for dc's to have contact with the NRP (Children's act was established many years ago) BUT that doesn't deal with the emotions of the PWC who doesn't want contact to happen so they use underhand methods to sabotage the parenting bond.

Many of us have experienced it so it isn't imagined, it's very real and the consequences are felt by the dc's, NRP, step parents and other children. My dss has been encouraged to disrespect/bully his father (and us) and DH is at the stage where he knows he has to deal with it. He has however had to face the prospect that he might lose his son if he stands up to him.

I think dc's of separating parents need mandatory seminars (that the parents have to fund) that specifically takes them through the feelings they might have and help them to learn that it's OK to love both parent (NRP or PWC). Dc's need to be encouraged to find the strength to stand up to any parent that is attempting alienation.

We are trying to get counselling for DSS but it's hard to get a counsellor who has this type of knowledge and is aware of parental alienation. Dss has also been reluctant since counselling implies something is wrong with him which isn't the case..he just needs a framework to process the complex feelings he has.

[Kaluki]

I think dc's of separating parents need mandatory seminars (that the parents have to fund) that specifically takes them through the feelings they might have and help them to learn that it's OK to love both parent (NRP or PWC). Dc's need to be encouraged to find the strength to stand up to any parent that is attempting alienation.

If only Smum! So many families are struggling and crying out for a bit of help and guidance to point them in the right direction but the cost of it all is astronomical.
Smum for PM!!!!

[brdgrl]

Redhen, I'm glad things are starting to happen. Keep us posted. I have had mixed results with counselling, but I do think it is very valuable because if nothing else it can get things moving rather than just allowing ourselves/our families to circle around in the same unproductive way. And it feels empowering, if that's not too strong a word, once you start to work through things.

[NotaDisneyMum]

redhen I've just read aloud your post of 21:50 to my DP - you could have been describing our situation two years ago.

DP did become that strong, committed person I needed - like you say, he would have lost me if he hadn't - but he lost his DD in the process.

[thewickedestsm]

If you find a counsellor with knowledge of PA please let me know!!