Am I being selfish on travel?

[Imanonperson]

Bit of background: DH does over 50 7hr round trips a year so that he can see DSS after his ex moved DSS to the other end of the country (no apparent reason other than to restrict contact). A lot of this is so DH can bring DSS to our home to spend time with us and the other DC who live with us - DSS seems to really value this time at his other home.

Anyway, I've just realised that DH is scheduled to do one of these trips (returning DSS to his mum) on DS's birthday. It's sad that DSS will have to leave in the early afternoon, but inevitable. However, DH could get a DGP or our regular babysitter to accompany DSS on the journey (has only done this in emergencies in the past). Would it be selfish to ask him to do this so that DS has his dad there for his whole birthday? Obviously it would mean DSS missing out on 3 hours one-on-one time with his dad, which is very important to him.

So as not to dripfeed, I will also be due to have another baby 10 days after this travel so would really rather DH passed on all travel that weekend. I have a history of quick labours and would be gutted if he missed the birth of this baby.

[Kaluki]

I think its more important that he is there for the birth of the baby than your DSs birthday tbh.
Good on him for doing all that driving to see his son - what a good Dad he is

[Imanonperson]

He is a fab dad and I often tell him so. It's just that his ex has kicked off before when he hasn't done the travelling personally (not that she would lower herself to taking any responsibility for creating the distance and doing any travel herself) and there is no flexibility in the schedule so I don't think it occurs to him to think round these date clashes.

If it wasn't so close to my due date (have gone overdue with the others and it seems reasonably unlikely that I'd happen to give birth in that 7 hour period), would you then think that DH should do the travel himself? I would really like him to be able to spend all of DS's birthday with as much of the family that is able to be with DS.

[SarahOxford]

In my opinion it depends on what age birthday it is and what you have planned.
I don't think my boys (DS-4, DSS-10) would be that bothered if their birthday was celebrated on a different day, so couldn't you do it the day before?
We celebrated my DSS' 10th birthday 2 days late because it was on a wednesday and our contact is Friday's. And DS' 4th birthday, which is actually in just over a week, will be celebrated twice; 1 day early with some family and 4 days late with his big brother and grandma.
We've always done it like this and often end up having more than one 'celebration' and they've never been that bothered. :)
If, however, you have something special planned that can't be rearranged, or there isn't a nearby alternative date, then i understand why you'd want your dh there and i don't think you're being unreasonable to suggest someone else does the travelling. I'd do everything i coudl to arrange it so that my two boys could be together on special occasions but if it can't be done then the show has to go on. I'd be pretty upset if my dh couldn't be there on our ds' birthday.
I know it's 3 hours quality time but a birthday is only once a year!

[SarkyWench]

Depends on the ages of the two children.

[Ray75]

I agree, I am assuming he goes back on the Sunday lunch time so could you not celebrate DS Birthday on the saturday so DSS can be involved all day and so can Dad with both his boys, then perhaps do something lower key on the actual Day (The sunday)
I appreciate the circumstances however I have to say the thought of my child doing a long car trip in the hands of someone other than parents/family would fill me with dread.

[NotaDisneyMum]

If your DSS will be in the care of grandparents for the journey, then I think it's a great idea
Your DSS gets the treat of one-to-one grandparent time, and you don't have the worry of your DP being too far away close to your due date - the birthday is immaterial in a way.

If you think DSS mum will make a fuss, then don't tell her! She's hardly going to refuse to let her son in because he's not being dropped off by his Dad, is she?

[Imanonperson]

Hi, thanks for all your input. The boys are young enough that celebrating on the Saturday won't make a difference, so that's fine. I think it was more me that wanted DH to show that DS's actual birthday was important to him. Not really rational perhaps, but so much time and effort goes into DSS and making sure that he never misses out that sometimes I feel sad that DD and DS always have to fit in with everyone else's arrangements/chores etc whereas DSS's time with DH is sacrosanct.

I'll see what DH thinks. I hadn't really focused on how close it will be to my due date before but I guess by then I will be quite worried about him being far away and I'd rather get the GPs lined up well in advance if need be as that is obviously preferable to non-family.

[purpleroses]

I would focus on the due date issue rather than the birthday. Presumably your DSS doesn't even get to see his dad on most of his birthdays with his dad, so he might be a little put out at his dad not running him home because he needs to be with his other DS for the entire day.

But to say that you've arranged for him to go home with the grandparents because your due date is so close would seem fair enough.

[wickedestsminthewest]

Sure if the Grandparents are around. The birth of your child is a more important event than the time they will spend with Dad in the car which it seems they are doing once a week (judging from your "over 50 times a year")

Forget about the ex making a fuss. What's best for all the children involved overall?

[wickedestsminthewest]

Yes, I think focus on the due date rather than the birthday. Although I totally understand where you're coming from on that front.

[Smum99]

We also had the distance - same time over 14 hours travel for dh on a weekend. It seemed to get worst over time so we eventually had to move to be closer.A court also ordered that the ex should have some responsibility for driving so it's now more manageable but still not ideal. I think dc's relationships are impacted by distance as it's not possible for DH to go to one off short events as he would have to take the day off work for a 30min school show.

In Australia they restrict parents movement to a certain distance as they recognise the impact on children. I wish we had something like that here.

Agree - the birthday can be moved to another celebration day - it's just one of the "causalities" of step family life. Good luck with the birth

[Kaluki]

Unfortunately that is just a fact of life in a step family. It's all about the steps because their time with their dad is precious whereas everyone else's time isnt because it doesn't have to be fought for!
I lose so much time with my own dc because the focus is on his dc. But apparently that is ok because I see mine every night