So angry with sd that I feel I want nothing more to do with her.

[miniwedge]

I've had a couple of threads in here previously, we haven't seen sd since summer last year.
We had previously had her here arou d 50% of the time. We'd had so many problems over the years with her mum, social services had her on the at risk register at one point and we have always been the constant in her life providing the stability she needs.

Her mum called out of the blue the night before we were due to pick her up for a holiday and basically accused us of physically abusing sd and said there was constant ciolence in our home.
Many weeks of social services getting involved and Ending up in the family courts ensued, we finally ended up with a court order stating that sd's mum and fAmily is not to be negative about us and that sd can have as much contact as she wants, sd mum is not to block any contact and there were very specific co-dicils about us writing to sd once a fortnight with weekly phone contact and involvement in school etc.
The court stated that they felt there was no truth in any of the allegations made against us, (I have a daughter the same age as sd who was interviewed and school reports etc were all looked at), sd has a history of telling lies and we requested counselling for her to determine what state she was in mentally.

The counselling hasn't happened, she is refusing to communicate with us at all apart from letters sent recorded delivery demanding various things such as laptop and iPod touch, in her letters she swings from threatening to send her mums husband to make us get her these things to telling us she will see us again when we get her these things. Her mum is obviously supporting her in this because the letters are all sent during school hours from her mums workplace. (you can track a recorded delivery letter to see where and when it was posted. The post office is the one next to her mums workplace)

We have also had some really nasty text messages again threatening and generally being spiteful.
We have sent Christmas cards etc but she has not bothered to even acknowledge them.

Yesterday morning we got a message from her mum demanding we pay for a passport for her because sd has told her we threw hers away and they want to go on holiday in the summer. Dp replied that we have never had a passport here which is the truth. We have never been abroad as a family, she has been to France however with her mums family last year......
Her mum has sent a barrage of messages now saying that sd is insisting we took her passport to stop her going on holiday without us ever again....

I am SO sick of the lies and the spite. We have had to defend ourselves as a family despite it being her mum and her chaotic life choices that have always been the issue. All we have ever done is support her and make sure she has as nice a life as possible and we are basically repaid by her lying about us and being a spiteful spoilt bitch.

I can't do it anymore, I know children should be given unconditional love but she has ripped our family apart and completely devastated my dp and dd with her lies.
I don't want to hear from her or see her again.

[miniwedge]

first thread

[jaquelinehyde]

I'm so sorry you have all had to go through this. I can totally understand why you feel the way you do.

I have nothing to say that would be of any help to you, other than feel free to vent away here as much as you need to.

[miniwedge]

second thread

That should give you a good idea of the background. Sigh.

[miniwedge]

Thank you so much, just venting helps!

It's just so sad that sd has utterly ruined her relationship with her dad now. Even if she came back tomorrow how could things ever be the same again after all she has said?
We can't put all the blame on her mum, she is almost 12 now and she knows the difference between right and wrong. She continues to make up stories about us, in one interview with the social worker she said that she has no happy memories of being with us at all. We have countless videos and photos etc from her showing her completely happy and relaxed with us...

[YNK]

I know it's hard to keep on taking it on the chin but even at 12yo, given her DM's track record, she is pushing all your buttons by playing you all. It's what children do in these circs i'm afraid.
Try to give her as good an example as you can. At least she will have one example of reasonable behaviour even if she chooses not to copy it in the meantime. Just keep refusing to be dragged down to her mothers level and above all keep reminding her she is loved even when her behaviour is not liked.
Easier said than done, I'm sure, though!

[miniwedge]

Lol FAR easier said than done!

I have dreams where I tell her straight exactly what damage she has caused and is still causing but because she refuses steadfastly to speak with us in real life she hasn't so far had to deal with any consequences.
Her mum and family have made a huge fuss of her and she has taken great pleasure messaging us to tell us what she has been bought to make her feel better.......
So at the moment she has no incentive to start telling the truth.....

[FashionEaster]

Your SD seems to think she is a 'prize' to be fought over , hence the belief you'd stoop to hiding her passport so she can't go away without you and the demands for presents. Maybe that's the message she's got from the court battles, her own mother and the present bribing buying?

I think it is entirely natural to feel as you do. I know she is a child but she has thrown her weight around very effectively! Offer nothing material (bar presumably what's paid to her mother in child support) but things that can't be given a value like family gatherings and time together. And be clear that you have gone to court to give her the opportunity of being with her dad's family but that being part of a family is both a right and a responsibility and no one will put up with a sulky demanding mare. It might be that she turns her back on you once she realises you arent going to play by her rules - and that will be her choice. Perhaps one day she will appreciate what you as a family have offered her - but it might not be until she is in her 20s or even has a family of her own.

[YNK]

Her mother is enabling her so from her point of view she feels entitled (and possibly being a 'good' girl for her mum).

In the future she may view things differently and realise how she has been manipulated out of a relationship with her DDad.

Poor you, op, but also poor kid!

[miniwedge]

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Her ego is huge right now. I've told dp he needs to stop begging her to stop upsetting us and just stick to letting her know we're here but life goes on.

I am convinced we won't see her for a very long time, she has already turned her back on us.
She told us the other day she hates us because we've never given her anything.for years we have bought all her clothes, shoes etc, all birthdays, Christmases, paid her mum hundreds each month over and above CSA because of her and her husbands debts leaving them skint. I think it will all become apparent soon though, we've stopped all that and we stick to the CSA amount now.

Pfft.

[NotaDisneyMum]

mini Have you considered the possibility that your DSD is alienated?

I can highly recommend the book Divorce Poison and video Come Back Pluto (both by Dr Richard Warshak) and Karen Woodall from the Centre for Separated Families is working on this issue here in the UK; she has a blog which is excellent.

From what you have described, it sounds like your DSD is a textbook case - I imagine that her mum hasn't got a good word to say about your DP and reiterates that it is your DSD choice whether or not to keep in touch with her Dad?

DPs DD has been estranged for 18 months due to alienation - she was placed in a situation where she had to choose whether to maintain contact with her dad and be rejected by her mum, or reject her dad in order to maintain a relationship with her mum. She rejected the parent who she believed would love her no matter what she did or how she treated him. And she was right. DP will always be there for his DD, even though, right at the moment - she doesn't want to know

This is frighteningly common and is devastating families and robbing children of a parent all over the UK - I hope that in time, the courts will begin to acknowledge it as abuse for the damage it does.

[miniwedge]

Hi, we do think that she has been alienated, for example one of the things she said was that her mum has told her we've prevented her seeing her on mothers day for a couple of years but the truth is that we have the text messages from her mum showing that she asked us to have her, last year she just said she was busy, the year before she called an hour before we were due to take her home on the Saturday and said not to bother bringing her until Sunday might because she was going out and would have a hangover the next day.....

Cafcass acknowledged that her mum and her husband were a big factor, they openly admit they hate us and they told sd that they were awarded an injunction against us so that we are never allowed to see her again. The magistrate said it was irrelevant though, cafcass wrote to the court about a month ago because they were concerned about her mum and her husband and felt that it needed to be revisited in county rather than magistrate court. They said it wasn't usual to write after an order has been made but we had complained to cafcass about the original report and the whole thing was looked at again by a senior officer who recommended the letter outlining their concerns.
The court haven't bothered to reply. Apparently they aren't obligated to do so.

But even so, sd's behaviour is still vile.she lies constantly about us, she only contacts us to demand we buy her stuff and have it delivered to her mums.
Gah! It's just a huge mess and I am in danger of getting bitter about it.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it too, it's just utterly shit and there is no real support. The worst thing I find is the assumption that if you don't see a child you must have done something wrong.

[Smum99]

God I really feel for you and re-reading your threads you can see the build up to this. I do however still think something is happening for your step daughter and she is too emotional immature to understand. She is being completely manipulated but I totally understand your frustrations and anger. I have felt very angry (massively disappointed and frustrated) with dss at times but never showed it. The reality is that the children in these situations are being emotionally abused and will become damaged adults with a warped sense to how to conduct relationships. I fear for how they will treat their partners and children!!

We have a long running saga with dss and his mum blocking contact (fortunately not to your level as I think the ex values child free time) and a few weeks ago out of the blue the ex attempted to block contact. This time I shared my frustration and dss was for the first time very open about how his mum behaves. He is now 14 and knows what she?s not doing right by him. At times he attempts to stand up to her but it's not easy as she's very scary and domineering. It's heartbreaking.

I suspect in your situation the ex and husband want to erase your dh from the picture, it would be convenient for them if your dh just went away. The child's feelings aren't being taken into account and whilst I know your sd isn't likeable as result she is damaged child who will live with the consequences for a life time.

To give you hope, dss at 11 or 12 could not have dealt with his mum, he just didn't have the knowledge or awareness, mum was the person he trusted explicitly..By 14 that has changed..he has even spoken to us about leaving his mum at 16 when he finishes at his current school. He has also agreed with our suggestion of counselling which at 12 he refused to attend.

I suspect that your sd has been put under a lot of pressure to conform to what the mum and husband want. If she re establishes contact when she is older I suspect she will have heartbreaking tales to tell you.. DSS has had a miserable time at his mum's house, over the last few years, but he never said a thing to us and just emphasised all the material stuff that his mum provided. That's seems to be a pattern...

I know why you're angry, you have the right to be angry but just be aware that the child is being emotionally abused..the acting out, awful behaviour is a symptom of that. Loved, nurtured and secure children don?t act like this.
Not sure what you can do ? I would suggest you keep all correspondence and try to keep in contact, so that she knows she is loved by her dad. Get in contact with her school and make sure they know that there are problems and ensure they have your contact details.

I also think you need support, its a horrid and draining situation to be in and the assumption is that you are the wicked step mum..stay on here, sadly lots of us do relate to this situation and know that in some cases good dads are prevented from seeing their children for no valid reasons.

[Smum99]

Loved chippingin comments at the end of your holiday post thread..she does sum it up brilliantly...Fuckit for a mum.

[miniwedge]

Thank you.

You're right, I do need support, I had emergency surgery recently and I don't feel strong enough to cope with this right now. That sounds awfully dramatic but it has come o the point where every time we get another letter or text I get that horrid sicky panicky feeling.

I do feel sorry for sd, on some level I know she is in a horrific environment but right now whilst I know that intellectually, emotionally I can't get past her behaviour.
That's pretty vile of me actually.

[NotaDisneyMum]

mini well, if you're vile, so am I !

I posted recently about the fact that DSD graced DP with her presence a few weeks ago - in order to collect Xmas gifts that had been left here for her.

While she was here, i hid in the bedroom. I could not bring myself to face her and deal with those emotions - even though I know she is a damaged victim . My DD (11) who has been dreadfully hurt and upset by DSD, was far more mature than me She carried on as usual, gave DSD a cheery hello in passing, and gave her no more time or headspace

I know that if DSD and DP rebuild their relationship, I will need counselling to deal with the way I feel about her. At the moment, i have disengaged, and while I support DP in whatever decisions he makes, I am not emotionally involved at all. This is probably harder for you, because I hadn't built up a close relationship with my DSD DP was rejected by her soon after I became a part of his life

There is no shame in seeking support - you are in an incredibly challenging situation, which many families do not survive, and those that do accept and seek all the help they can.

[miniwedge]

Eleanor thank you so much for replying, I'm so sorry for everything you've been through.
It pisses me off immensely that there don't ever seem to be any repercussions for all the false allegations and the wasted police time for the mother. We are the ones being punished even though all the authorities agree we've done nothing wrong.

The latest is a series of texts from dsd's mum this weekend, first demanding we buy the lost passport then moving on to telling dp that unless he writes to dsd and admits to being violent that she will not see us again......
What the actual fuck is this woman on?

I am incensed that they are basically trying to blackmail dp into admitting to things he has not done. Apparently step daughter HHas written a list of questions that we are expected to answer before she will consider speaking to us let alone seeing us. Oh and on top of that, apparently we are upsetting step daughter by texting her and writing to her. She doesnt want us reminding her we're here......

We haven't replied to the texts, we never do but in my head I've written a thousand letters.
I wish they would just fuck off and let us get on with it, they don't seem to be able to stop the drama. I have never loathed anyone as much as I loathe stepdaughters mother.

[ElenorRigby]

Sorry for the late reply, with it being Easter it's been a busy week.

I can't reply in full now, DP's cooking dinner, DSD's helping him, DD is at my parents and I'm watching the DVD NotADisneyMum recommended, Welcome Back Pluto-I ordered it from the US when I heard about it. I hope it can help.

I will reply in full when I can either via a private message or in the forum.

Take Care You x